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Dear Mistress: Huntress, Sasha, Confusing

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Dear Mistress: Huntress, Sasha, Confusing

Hello Dear Mistress,

I have been in a relationship for 20 years and my hubby has some medical issues. I also have recently discovered that I love to be a submissive. Now we have an open marriage now because he wants me to be happy. I love him dearly. My question to you is how do I find the right Dom or Domme for myself? Where do I even look? Thank you for your help.

Dear Huntress,

Thank you for sharing your story. I know that it can be difficult to jump into the lifestyle at first and it can also be very intimidating. The best thing you can do is to find local events in your area – or nearest metropolitan city. Join pages like FetLife or Alt.com and join local community groups. Make them aware of what you are looking for. Be open and honest. Look for local meetings and munches in your area.

The best thing you can do is to leave your comfort zone and meet people face to face. It’s the best possible way to gauge your connection. You should also visit your local sex/kink/fetish stores and talk to the staff. More often than not, the store posts info for local gatherings and events. These are your people! Make friends with them!

When you do get yourself out there and you attend your first kink event. Keep your eyes and ears open. Watch people. Take it all in. You can even contact the organizer ahead of time to let them know it is your first time.

Sometimes the organizer can pair you with a veteran or a member of the staff can introduce you to others who are just like you. Be willing to go out on a limb and talk to people. You will be surprised by how open members of the kink community are. You have to remember that a lot of these people you will meet spend their days in their vanilla clothes doing their vanilla jobs and this is their time to be themselves. Most folks are anxious to share knowledge and show-off their skills. This is how you will make connections. Take advantage of that.

Once you meet some prospects, be honest about what your needs, boundaries, and limits are. Communicate. Take it SLOW. Get to know them. And don’t for one second feel that you can’t speak up and say something is not for you or that you need to move on. This is vital.

I wish you luck and I would love to hear how you make out. Stay in touch with me.

Dear Mistress,

I have been chatting with one English man for 2 years. He is into BDSM and he wants me to trample him, use him as a Heel/Boot rest. I was shocked at the very beginning, I didn’t know that some people are into those things. I started to read and search for answers and I am very curious how to deal with that type of man. Can I really have a future with him?

He is highly educated, very posh and I do like him, but we haven’t met yet. He calls me and we just chat on Whatsapp. He wants to meet, but I don’t see his real actions. He already cancelled on me last year.

I’m so confused and don’t know how to make him meet me. He said he wants to have a holiday this year, but still no actions. Is he stringing me along? Should I trust him? How should I behave with him? We really got connected and all I want is to see him in person. Thank you so much for your time and your response.

Best regards, Sasha

Dear Sasha,

You answered some of your own questions. You can’t make anyone meet you. If they want to, they will. If they don’t, move on.

Don’t waste time on people not willing to make you a priority. I can’t tell you if he is stringing you along or if you should trust him. All I can do is tell you that if someone wants to meet you and you are important to them, they will move mountains to meet you.

As for the other kink questions, I can’t be sure if you can have a relationship with him. That is determined by your willingness and interest in fulfilling his needs, and his willingness to either set those needs aside for you or be patient with you while you learn. I will tell you that those needs are very real and if they are suppressed, it could cause issues in the future. The good thing is he was honest about them. That’s a big step. If you’re not into it, that’s OK, too.

My best advice is to not wait around for anyone. You’ll never have to convince the right person that they are right for you.

Dear Mistress,

Not sure if you can answer this or not, I read a LOT of M/M and have read several M/M BDSM and I’m curious to know if it’s ‘typical’ for the Doms to not bottom. I mean I would think that a man would have a stronger release if his prostate were being ‘pounded’ than if he’s just pounding a tight hole?

Dear Confusing,

I’m confused by the second part of your question. Is it “typical” for a male Dominant to not bottom? I don’t see why it would be typical, honestly. As a Top, they can instruct their submissive male partner to do whatever they want. If they want to get “pounded” and have their prostate massaged, they can command their submissive to do so in whichever manner they choose.

That’s the beauty of being of being the Top – they are directing the scene. However, I am not a male, so I am only speaking in terms of knowing that it is in no way demeaning to the Dominant to have their submissive cater to their needs and bend the Dominant over and do as they’re told.

If the second part of your question is referring to a prostate massage or prostate stimulation producing a stronger orgasm for a man? Again, I am not a man. But I do know that stimulating the prostate is highly pleasurable for most men (the ones who get over themselves and their fragile masculinity actually give it a chance) and (from what I have heard and read) that it provides a more stimulating, intense orgasm. Granted, everyone is different. No two people are alike. I don’t know if that answers your question.

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

12 Perfect Party Dresses For All Body Types We Love!

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12 Perfect Party Dresses For All Body Types We Love!

We have only weeks to go until The Smut Gala sponsored by Meredith Wild at Shameless Book Con 2017! Along with all of the excitement, I keep getting panicked messages:

“Oh my gosh! I have nothing to wear!”

“What should I wear?”

“Help! I need a dress for the VIP Cocktail Reception!”

“How will I pack a dress? It’ll be a wrinkled mess!”

“Now I have to find something for The Smut Gala!”

Look no further! If you know me, you know that I love shopping and love looking put together. I will literally shop for anyone. You also know that I love to be comfortable!

So, I put together a fun list of things for you to try! These dresses are all affordable, easy to wear with sandals or heels, and they are super easy to pack. You’ll even see me in a few of these looks during the weekend at Shameless Book Con 2017.

Rest assured – I’m familiar with these sellers on Amazon and have only chosen items that have good reviews.

DRESSES 👗

SHOES 👠

These shoes are all easy to wear and look super stylish! I only chose heels that are not too thin and ankle straps to help with stability. They are styles that are easy to walk in but still look amazing with a dress!

HAPPY SHOPPING, and I can’t wait to see you in October at Shameless Book Con!

Click to get your 🎟 now!

Dear Mistress: Baby-Faced Beginner, Backwards, Reluctant Top

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Dear Mistress: Baby-Faced Beginner, Backwards, Reluctant Top

Win a corset from Corset Story!Enter the $75 Orchard Corset giveaway below!

Dear Mistress,

The BDSM lifestyle is something that intrigues me very much. I have always been aware that I possess dominant traits, and have connected it with my sexuality from an early age, before I even knew that BDSM was actually a thing. It just felt natural.

Despite my interest in it, I am very inexperienced when it comes to practicing kink and sex all together. I’m actually still a virgin. I’m also on the younger side, but I have a baby-face which makes it so people have the tendency to patronize me. It makes it difficult to garner respect.

I want to jump into the lifestyle, but the problem is I don’t even know where to begin. I know I am a Domme (possibly with some switch tendencies that I’d be willing to explore), and I would also love to work as a Dominatrix. Of course that requires experience, so where do you suggest I start? I have thought about joining Fetlife and trying to find fetish parties to attend, but is that a good place to learn and practice? Do I need a mentor? Thank you for your advice, Mistress. I really value your help.

Dear Baby-Faced Beginner,

I feel you. Having started to explore at a young ago – nearly three decades ago – I know what that need is without having a way to channel it properly. My advice to you is to slow down. There is no rush here. Yes, you want to learn, but that takes a lot of time and effort.

At this point, without any experience, there is no need to pigeon hole yourself as a Domme. You can’t make that determination until you are successfully able to dominate someone. That means you are skilled, convincing, and in control – and you fully understand the weight of your responsibility. Only then can you be considered a Domme. Be patient.

As for working as a Dominatrix – the same rules apply. You need to master your craft if anyone is going to be willing to pay you for your services. You will need to practice, learn, listen, and give it your all.

Before we even address becoming a professional, please understand that dominating someone is difficult. It is a tremendous responsibility as your submissive/slave/bottom is your priority and in your care. You need to learn how to read people, how to negotiate limits, and how to effectively earn submission. Yes it comes a little easier to those who have a predisposition to it and a controlling personality, but unless you fine-tune your skills, you’re a loose cannon with some implements that can seriously injure someone. Be willing to learn.

That brings me to my next piece of advice – you need a mentor. You need hands-on training. You need to watch everything. You need to attend events. You will be put in the position to harm someone, so you need to take that seriously. Never use an implement on someone if you have not tested it out on yourself.

I highly suggest submitting or being a bottom for a while so you can learn the emotions behind it. The more you understand the other side, the stronger you will be in your role. I can’t stress that enough. There is no way you can truly understand unless you experience it.

Sign up for FetLife and Alt.com. Join local groups. Attend munches. Talk to those in your local kink community. Be yourself and let them know that you are new and you want to mentor so you can learn responsibly. Be open.

Lastly, your baby face is not an issue. When you learn your craft, your baby face will be a weapon. Let someone not take you seriously and let them see how you can prove them wrong. Sounds fun, doesn’t it? That’s because it is.

Oh, and have you noticed that I didn’t address the fact that you’re a virgin? I’m sure you did. That’s because it doesn’t matter. This lifestyle isn’t about sex. And you never need to use your sexual experience as power over anyone. Don’t ever forget that. Be empowered.

I wish you luck and I would love to hear from you while you’re on your journey.

Helpful Reading:

Dear Mistress,

My wife and I just recently decided to use chastity. How long should she keep me in it? And what kind of punishment should she use?

Dear Backwards,

You and your wife decided? She has you in a cock cage and YOU’RE asking me how long she should keep you in it? YOU’RE asking me how she should punish you?

Why are you asking me if you’re the one in a cock cage? You have it backwards. The person who is holding the key should be asking me. Tell your wife to contact me.

And for what it’s worth – that’s calling “topping from the bottom,” and that alone should earn you a punishment.

Cock Cages:

Dearest Mistress,

My husband and I have been dabbling in the bedroom for the past few years. After almost 25 years together, our sex life is better than ever. I find my pleasure comes from a submissive role, of being bound, the combination of pleasure and pain, and satisfying him. All of this has worked well and continues to work well.

He has now discovered he also receives great gratification from pain and recently has requested me to use his flogger and paddle on him. We don’t live in the lifestyle, we don’t know others that live in the lifestyle, so my question is… is this done in kink? Are there Dominants who desire to receive as well as inflicting pain?

The first time he demanded that I take the flogger, I was incredibly uncomfortable, but when I saw what it did for him and remember what it does for me, my only desire was to provide that same satisfaction that he often provides to me.

Dear Reluctant Top,

You said “Dearest” so you’re my favorite today. Well, I’ll put it this way: I like receiving pain. I love to see what I can take. Does that make me any less of a Domme? Nope. It makes me a pain lover.

There is something that stuck out to me – “The first time he demanded that I take the flogger…” This is a good sign. He “demanded” that you do it. This still gives him the upper-hand and tells me that he knows he is in control.

There is a big difference between “I want to submit to you and I want you to dominate me” –versus– “Use this flogger on me and show me what you can deliver.” He is in control and telling you what he wants. If he wants YOU to be the Dominant and treat him as a submissive, then we get into very dangerous territory.

Normally, a person who dominates someone does not submit to the same person. This is just like the rule of thumb with Switches. Being a Switch is normal, but generally that Switch does not “switch” with the same person. When you do, it really causes issues within your dynamic. You would start to lose respect for their authority and essentially see them in a different light. No one wants that to happen.

Now if we are just talking about two people who do not engage in a D/s dynamic, and they just love switching it up sexually… as in, one night they’re the sexual aggressor and the next night the other person is – no worries. You’re not messing with a dynamic there; you just like taking turns. That’s completely normal.

And really everyone, if this is you… stop putting labels on yourself. You’re not a Dominant and you’re not a submissive if you just like kinky fucking where you alternate who is being the aggressor. You’re not living the BDSM lifestyle. No labels needed. Just enjoy your fucking and don’t try to fit yourself into a specific role. (end rant)

Back to you. So, just so you know, it’s perfectly normal. And if you go to kink events, you will see Tops taking what looks to be a bottom role. They are not a bottom. They have instructed the bottom on what to do. The Top is the scene director. The Top can say, “I want you to do this to me. I want you to put that plug in my ass and cane my balls.” The Top is still in control.

The Top still determines how this scene will play out. The bottom is a good little bottom and does as they’re told. Now if the bottom says something like, “I think we should use the crop instead,” see the question and answer above. That bottom will be in for a world of hurt – and rightfully so.

Rest easy, Reluctant Top – as long as you still see him as your Dominant and he still earns your submission effectively, it’s all good. If not, let’s talk. You know how to find me.

Giveaway

Dear Mistress is a generous soul. She partnered up with Orchard Corset – her personal favorite online corset store – to hold a giveaway for you!

Enter to win a $75 gift certificate to Orchard Corset to get a stunning corset of your own!

BONUS for Everyone: Use the code SHAMELESS to get 12% off your order.

Enter here or on our Facebook Page.

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress: Benched, Nipple Torturer, Precious

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Dear Mistress: Benched, Nipple Torturer, Precious

Dear Mistress,
I’m a 28-year-old male who is currently finding my feet within the lifestyle. I’ve always had an interest in Femdom and BDSM since I was a teen. A few years ago I decided to take the plunge and start getting involved in my local kink community by going out to munches, workshops and other events. I am naturally shy/introverted so I was nervous at first but ended up making a ton of wonderful friendship connections.

One thing I’ve discovered lately is that I sort of enjoy having women sit on me and use me as furniture, and I had an experience that I’d like your insights on. There is a nightclub in my area that hosts a weekly fetish event geared towards male subs and Female Dommes, and I’ve been going out to them for a while now.

The last time I was there, one of the Dommes (an older women in her 40’s) had me lie down on the floor and then sat astride my chest for awhile, while chatting with some of her friends. It was quite exciting but also a little intimidating to be in that position. She was quite tall and heavy (I am short and slim by comparison) so it felt a little intense. I was quite turned on by her willingness to just take control and boss me around like that.

At one point, in my excitement, I started touching her legs, but she grabbed my wrists and told me I wasn’t to touch her in any way, which I found puzzling, since she was sitting right on top of me but didn’t want me touching her. She kept sitting on me for what must have been at least 40 minutes while talking to her friends.

She eventually said she was bored with me and got off while they walked away. It was quite an experience and one I won’t soon forget. I plan to keep going back to these events and feel excited, and a little nervous, at what experiences may await me in the future.

Mistress C.By Cee Dee Media and Productions (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Benched,
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and our readers. I admire your openness and willingness to take the leap into what can be a very intimidating lifestyle. From what it sounds like, you have immersed yourself completely and have no issues in exploring what makes you happy. I love hearing from people who decide to go for it.

When you put yourself in the position of a play partner or bottom at a kink event, you are in the power position. That Domme may have been sitting on you for her pleasure, but never forget that she is there because you want her there.

Using bottoms as furniture, coat racks, tables, and the like is very popular. She is obviously into humiliation and may have had insight into your fetishes and felt compelled to use you as her bench, or you simply looked appetizing to her. For her, being able to humiliate you gives her pleasure. When you touched her, you crossed a line (whether or not it was communicated to you) that she did not enjoy.

Putting you in such a demeaning position and not allowing you to touch her is how she exudes control and power. Even though she was sitting astride you, the act of your hands touching her legs may have been too intimate for that power exchange.

I know it might be difficult to understand, but we all have our limits and things that affect our psyche. This is just the same as when some Dominants will not allow kissing. Even though the act of pushing a bottom/submissive out of their comfort zones is extremely personal, the act of kissing is too intimate and can affect the mental control. Hopefully that makes sense.

Regardless of how she took control, commanded you to be her bench, or reprimanded you when you crossed a line – YOU ARE ALWAYS IN CONTROL. Please be sure the events you attend either give all attendees predetermined safewords (verbal and hand signals) to use to stop all play, if needed. Your safeword is your saving grace.

Dear Mistress,
My husband LOVES to have his nipples pinched and twisted. But sometimes my fingers can’t give him what he needs. What do you recommend? And really, it’s one nipple in particular. The other one is smaller (he used to have his nipple pierced, so one nipple is larger and more extended than the other). I don’t like pain of any kind. Sometimes I worry that it’s going to hurt him and he’s like, “NO- harder!” Any suggestions?

Clothespin after the rain
By Молли (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Nipple Torturer,
He obviously likes pain. I know it may be difficult to deliver if you do not enjoy it yourself, but you have some options to make it easier for you. What you are describing sounds like he enjoys the pinching and pulling sensations, and he wants you to bring the heat. My suggestion is to try a few toys I recommend below.

Also, if your fear of hurting him past your own comfort zone is causing issues, please consider discussing a safeword that he can use when he has had enough or if you get a surge of strength and starting ripping his nipples off. This safeword will give you confidence to proceed with enthusiasm. After all, what you’re doing to him will end up benefiting you in the end because of how turned on he’ll be. And really, that’s a win-win.

Try these – just be sure if trying clamps of ANY kind that you limit the clamp to only 10-15 minutes. They constrict blood flow and can permanently damage the nipple if left on too long. Also, he might LOVE the sensation of the nipple suction; doing this will make him even more sensitive. You can also add vibration into the mix. Use your vibrator on his nipples to get him stimulated before applying clamps or try the vibrating clamps below. Let me know what you have tried and loved.

Available on Amazon:

SINOLI Nipple Clamps and Nipple Suckers
Nipple Clamps Chain, Ldoux Nipple Clip

Available on Extreme Restraints:

Magnus Mighty Magnetic Orbs
Twisted Magnetic Nipple Clamps
Dark Passion Vibrating Nipple Clamps

 

Dear Mistress,
I have been in a relationship with a Dom for a few months. I am enjoying the time spent together intensely. But it’s his birthday in a month. What do Doms like as presents?

Dear Precious,
If he is anything like me, he already has his most precious gift – YOU.

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress: Back Up & Slow Down, Dave, Tara, Corporal Punisher

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Dear Mistress: Back Up & Slow Down, Dave, Tara, Corporal Punisher

Meet Dear Mistress
Your long-awaited chance to meet Dear Mistress in person is coming in October at Shameless Book Con 2017! This will be an intimate gathering to chat with her, ask questions, time to get hands-on with her implements, and receive an extra special gift from Dear Mistress herself. Passes will be EXTREMELY limited, free, and available to all #Shameless17 ticket holders.

Friday, October 20
8:30-9:30pm
Pool Bar

This Friday, July 21st, grab your pass to Meet Dear Mistress at Shameless Book Con 2017.

Meet Dear Mistress passes will be available on a first come, first served basis starting at 2:30pm ET on Eventbrite.

*An earlier version of this post said the event is scheduled for Saturday, October 21.

And now, scroll down to the newest column! Fair warning: She gets a bit testy with a reader. 😳

Dear Mistress,

I am a new mistress. I was given my first slave from a head mistress. I am learning about my new journey and I have to learn more about the control. The other day my slave informed me he was approached by another mistress and wanted to know what to do. I was told I have to realize it is ok to share my with other mistresses, and to enjoy the pleasures of other mistresses using my worthless slave. But I have the right to be in control on what they can and can’t do.

Dear Back Up & Slow Down,

I understand that you are new and I will be as gentle as I can be given your situation. Your questions worry me and I have questions in return:

  1. Do you have a mentor?
  2. Are you still working your way up and learning the ropes? If so, for how long?
  3. Is your slave collared? (I would hope so, but if you still have these basic questions, it does not sound like you are experienced enough to collar anyone, let alone have a slave.)
  4. Who told you it was “ok” to share your slave with ANYONE?
  5. Who thinks your slave is “worthless?”
  6. If your Head Mistress gave you your slave and (I’m assuming) is now telling you that you should share your worthless slave, I assume you have hesitation and are wondering if this is, in fact, acceptable. Is that the case?

As you can tell, all of this if of great concern to me. If you are still learning and have already assumed the title of “Mistress,” and you already have a collared slave, you need to slow down.

Having a slave is a MASSIVE undertaking and a MASSIVE responsibility. If you are unsure of the boundaries that should already be in place, this is an issue. How can you be in control of another person when you don’t understand what should be very clear and concise rules?

Your slave is YOUR responsibility and they live to serve YOU. Whether or not you choose to share your slave with others is up to you and you alone. No one makes that decision for you – especially your slave. You need to have clear rules, boundaries, and limits in order to be effective as a Mistress.

If your slave is collared, NO ONE APPROACHES A COLLARED SLAVE WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION FIRST. That collar is a clear indication that your slave is off-limits.

Who is this Mistress you are training with? Who approached your slave without asking first? That is the biggest no-no in this lifestyle. If they are experienced and know what they are doing, they would know this basic rule. How dare they disrespect you. You absolutely have the right to say what can and can’t happen, but that needs to start between you and your slave first. Your dynamic, your rules.

It sounds like you need to take a step back, learn all of the aspects of your role, and then take it slowly.

And finally, who referred to your slave as “worthless?” Let me make this clear: anyone who CHOOSES to serve you for your pleasure is worth EVERYTHING.

Your slave is to be respected, cherished, and held in the highest regard. If your dynamic with your slave includes humiliation and degradation, that’s perfectly normal, but that is what makes them so revered. If that is difficult for you or anyone else to understand, it is time to back up and examine your true motives for being in this lifestyle.

How can you consider someone who is your responsibility, and someone who depends on you for their emotional well-being, as “worthless?” Your slave is your top priority.

If anyone referred to my submissive as “worthless,” they would see a side of me they would live to regret.

I suggest you do some reading on this lifestyle, your role, and how to develop your brand of control. Please feel free to reach out to me privately if you would like to discuss this further. I wish you luck and clarity.

Dear Mistress,

I am 33 years old and cannot get the desire to be dominated out of my head. I’m not talking about your normal BDSM stuff. Personally, I love to be objectified mostly by face-sitting. I enjoy being “encouraged” to wear panties by a woman and have even thought about receiving a golden shower.

I am completely straight but would simply love a woman to do this to me. I know it is not normal because it has cost me several relationships.

I guess I’m hoping you might help me figure out what is wrong with me. I really enjoy these activities but feel awkward trying to fulfill them.

I hope your expertise and advice may help me shed light on my psychosis. If you could get back to me, I would do greatly appreciate it. I thank you for taking the time to read this.

Sincerely and Respectfully,
Dave

Dear Dave,

First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. At all. You ARE normal. You obviously have not found the right partner yet.

Do I know people who are into the same things you are? You better believe I do. Is there something “wrong” with them? Not at all.

Each person is unique. If your thinking is correct, is there something wrong with me? I like to carve skin with blades. I get off on blood. What does that say about me? You’re coming to me for advice, so you must think that I can offer some form of solace or reassurance that you’re not a lost cause.

Are you vanilla? Nope. Am I vanilla? Nope. (I’m more like Tutti-Frutti). If vanilla works for you, awesome. I know I am not happy in the “normal” vanilla world, and neither are you. So as far as I can see it, you feel as though you’re out there on your own island, being branded a freak.

But guess what? There are so many others out there as well. You just need to find your tribe.

If you’re on dating sites, be honest about what you’re into. Join other sites that specialize in deviant lifestyles such as Alt.com and Fetlife.com where you can seek out others who are into the same kinks. (Don’t be afraid of the word deviant. Deviant is not a bad word.)

Visit your local kink shops and ask if they have meet-ups. Look at the brochures that are sitting out. This is where you will find your people. Go to local munches. Go to kink conventions.

Your proclivities may not be the definition of BDSM, but they fall within the kink community. Your fetishes are not abnormal; they are actually VERY popular.

I promise you, your people are out there. And when you find them, it will be like the clouds have parted and the sun is finally shining down on you. I want that for you. I wish you happiness and lots of flavors other than vanilla.

Please consider this reading material:

I can’t promise you an orgasm at the end of our adventure, but I can promise you a better understanding of why you get the ones you do.Jesse Bering

Dear Mistress,

Do submissives or slaves ever make their Dominant or Masters mad on purpose? Can you have play without it being a punishment?

Thank you,
Tara

Dear Tara,

I’m not for bratty behavior, but some Dominants are into it. Some like the challenge of having to punish and get off on the “play” aspect of it, but I don’t punish brats. To me, that makes it a game.

Bratty behavior will get nothing from me, which, to me, is worse than any punishment. Keep in mind that all dynamics are unique and different and the concept of being a brat to incite a punishment works for some. Some people get off on it. For me, it’s a no-go.

Can you have play without punishment? Absolutely. For me, it’s necessary. I don’t always want to have to punish to flex my control muscles. I do so whenever I need it.

Dear Mistress,

What are the best instruments to use for spanking on a amateur level?

Dear Corporal Punisher,

Spankings turn me on. Do they turn you on, too? You don’t have to look far for the proper implement.

Allow your eyes to travel down that predominant arm of yours and gaze lovingly at your hand. That’s really all you need. Your hand, a partner, and gusto.

I could go on and on, but there is this nifty little graphic I found, and they have spelled it out for all future spankers and spankees.

(images via)

In addition to your hand, there are some nifty implements to use. A hairbrush? Totally. A paddle? You betcha. A slapper? Fuck, now I’m turned on. I’ll include my favorites below.

Now, pull down those panties and bend over.

Books

Implements

 

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

A Special Edition Of Dear Mistress

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A Special Edition Of Dear Mistress

It’s come to my attention that there are some false impressions – both from pop culture and in online discussions – on what it means to be in a BDSM relationship. I feel it is my responsibility to educate others about the BDSM lifestyle.

Below are some reminders on what it means to be in a BDSM relationship. I’ve used masculine pronouns to stand in for a Dominant and feminine pronouns for submissive throughout, though I’d like to make it clear that females can be Dominants and males can be submissives.

1) Your safety should never be compromised. NEVER. EVER.

2) Yes, it absolutely is 100% HIS fault if you feel unsafe – experiencing anxiety is no joke. Love yourself more.

credit GQ

3) JUST LIKE RESPECT, SUBMISSION IS EARNED. Ladies… no respectable and responsible Dominant would EVER risk your safety or withhold personal information if they want to earn your submission. Love yourself more.

4) Submission is a GIFT. Ladies, DO NOT hand yourselves over or agree to submit unless there is 100% trust on both sides. Respect yourself more. Love yourself more.

5) Just because someone says they are a Dominant does not mean that they are one. Trust me when I say this – we are not a dime a dozen. True Dominants are not common. There is not an abundance of Dominants. The amount of posers that I see is unbelievable. Guaranteed there are more people who are true submissives than there are true Dominants; I’m talking about the ones who are responsible and capable of handling the massive responsibility that comes with this role. You need to check references and do your homework before EVER agreeing to submit. If your “Dom” (cringe) will not prove themselves, give references, or agree to 100% disclosure, walk the other way. Love yourself more.

6) Please understand the significance of collaring. Please. Don’t EVER accept or even think of accepting a collar from someone without knowing them completely. They need a chance to learn you. They need to EARN your trust and submission. Yes, the concept of collaring is sexy and it’s alluring and it may be something that you want. BUT… it’s not a game or something to be taken lightly.

source unknown

In terms of your emotional well-being, it’s more serious than marriage. Your Dominant should present you with their collar when you are both ready. Anything other than that is immature and disrespectful to the meaning. Expecting less than that is wrong. Love yourself more.

7) Asshole Dominants who don’t respect their submissives are an insult to my kind. They make it difficult for those who are ready to submit and want to pursue this type of relationship. Lack of respect for this lifestyle is offensive to me. Asshole Dominants gives me and my fellow Dominants a bad name.

Ask questions. Demand answers. Never hand yourself over to anyone who has not earned the right to own you.

LOVE. YOURSELF. MORE.

About Dear Mistress
Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25+ years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress’s Vibrator Showdown: Womanizer vs. Satisfyer

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Dear Mistress’s Vibrator Showdown: Womanizer vs. Satisfyer

You know those debates that can ruin friendships? The ones that have the potential to pit people against one another?

Coke vs. Pepsi
Pizza Hut vs. Papa John’s
Salty vs. Sweet
Reddi-Whip vs. Cool Whip

We have a new debate in town: WOMANIZER vs. SATISFYER

Since I am such a giver, I took on the enormous burden of being a taste-tester for your benefit. It wasn’t easy. I’m sure it wasn’t pretty. But my god – it was worth it. Many times over.

Here’s how they stack up:

Womanizer Pro40 – $124.00*

  • 8 intensity settings
  • Waterproof and completely submersible
  • Standard U.S. wall charger and USB
  • Comes with an alternate size replacement head
  • Quiet once in contact; moderately noisy when not in contact
  • One charge lasts for over 200 minutes
  • Easy to clean

See it on Amazon

Satisfyer Pro 2 – $47.25*

  • 11 intensity settings**
  • Waterproof and completely submersible
  • USB charging cord with a wonky magnetic charging pad
  • No replacement heads
  • Moderately noisy in contact; slightly louder when not in contact
  • One charge lasts for 30 minutes
  • Easy to clean

See it on Amazon

*Prices may vary

The Down & Dirty Details: Design & Ability

Womanizer Pro40

The Womanizer Pro40 claims to give “orgasms on demand” and they ain’t lyin’.

Sweet Baby Jesus, I about hit the ceiling. I had an orgasm within two minutes – A RECORD FOR ME. It’s easy to hold and comfortable to operate. When in use, the controls are on the underside (or closest to you) so you control it with your thumb. It’s light and slim but a bit slippery at times. There is no contour to it that allows for an easier grip. But for reals y’all… you won’t care.

It is the most isolated, direct stimulation that is not straight-on direct to the point of being painful (ladies, you know what I mean).

The head is streamlined and slim. It tapers toward the edge which allows for a nice fit. To use it, you need to spread your labia and position it over the clit – right at the tip so that the hollow portion of the head will encircle your clit. Once positioned, turn it on and BOOM. The combination of suction and vibration at the same time is like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

You know those jellyfish that dance in the ocean? They have this beautiful wave movement that makes them bounce through the current? That’s what I imagine is going on inside of that little pleasure machine.

To describe my first experience… it’s like watching those gorgeous race horses break through the gate. “And they’re off!” And you will be, too, in a matter of seconds.

Womanizer: The Quick & Dirty

Is it worth $124.00? YES.
Would I buy it again? YES.
Would I gift one to my bestie because I want her world to be forever changed? YES.
Can this be used with a partner? YES.

All in all – the Womanizer Pro40 turned me into a shuddering mess of satisfaction.

Satisfyer Pro 2

The Satisfyer Pro 2 had A LOT to live up to. A LOT.

At first glance, The Satisfyer Pro 2 a little larger and heavier than the Womanizer Pro 40. It has a nice contoured shape that makes it easier to hold, in my opinion, and is a similar design, but it’s more bulbous in shape. The same goes for the head. It’s not tapered and slim like its competition; it’s shaped more like a donut with a smaller opening in the center. For me, this made it more difficult to position between the labia because it was harder to feel where I needed it to go. This may pose a challenge for someone who has a deeply set clit.

When in use, the controls are on the top, so you use your pointer finger to adjust the settings. This made it very easy to change the intensity. Speaking of… the manufacturer says it has 11 intensity settings, however, **I was only able to find 5 settings during use.

After it took a little time to get it in place, I turned it on. That got my attention! I suddenly forgot how long it took to get it positioned properly. It feels similar to its competitor, but there is something a little different. To me, this felt a little more thumpy. You know those drums we had as kids that we would bang with the drumsticks with the little round ball on the end? If you put your hand on the underside of the drum, that’s similar to what the vibration feels like. It’s the same sort of bizarre suction and vibration as the Womanizer, but the Satisfyer is slightly more flicky (that’s not a word, I know). I felt it more directly, which wasn’t necessarily a good or bad thing – it was just different. Though I could see how it would become painful if used for too long. Because holy intense!

Satisfyer: The Quick & Dirty

Is it worth $47.25? YES.
Would I buy it again? NO.
Would I gift one to my bestie? YES.
Can it be used with a partner? YES.

All in all – the Satisfyer Pro 2 is satisfying and given its price, could be a nice alternative.

To sum up, I highly recommend the Womanizer Pro 40. The Satisfyer Pro 2 is a close alternative, but I would pick up the Womanizer over the Satisfyer every single time.

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

DISCLOSURE: SBC, LLC and ShamelessBookClub.com, as well as our social media outlets, contain affiliate marketing links, which means we may receive paid commission from the retailer on sales of those products or services we write about. Our editorial and opinion content is not influenced by advertisers or affiliate partnerships.

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