Dear Mistress: Adorned, Traumatized, Team Player

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Dear Mistress: Adorned, Traumatized, Team Player

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Dear Mistress,
I have unable to have intimate piercings, but LOVE the look of some of the jewelry I’ve seen. Do you have any suggestions and resources for some of these fun items — either for play with a partner or for wearing daily for my own enjoyment?

Dear Adorned,
Fake Nipple PiercingDo I ever! There are all sorts of fun and naughty things to adorn yourself and your partner with. Some of these are both functional and sexy as fuck to see. Just imagine uncovering your man’s privates to find a cobra staring at you? If that’s not your thing, you can bedazzle your lady parts with crystals and even bells. The best part? No piercings required.

Ladies First:

For the Guys:

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Dear Mistress,
One of the things I’ve been wondering about recently is about releasing a submissive. I’ve read a lot about how devastating it can be. What is your advice on how to release a submissive so that the experience is not so traumatic?

Dear Traumatized,
Devastating is a good word for it. What a lot of folks fail to understand is that the D/s (Dominant/submissive) and M/s (Master-Mistress/slave) dynamic is very different from a conventional relationship. The submissive (regardless if male or female) hands themselves over to their Dominant. There is a power exchange. There is a trusting emotional and mental bond that goes beyond even a typical marriage.

Not all D/s or M/s work out. However, since there is an increased level of communication between those involved (and if this is not the case in your dynamic, rectify that immediately) where wants and needs are thoroughly discussed as the relationship progresses, it can make a normal breakup seem like a walk in the park. The truth is, sometimes it doesn’t work out. Sometimes the constraints of the relationship become a burden. Sometimes as you evolve, it becomes clear your needs move into a direction that the other cannot fulfill.

My thoughts as to why it is so devastating for the submissive is because as a submissive, you are essentially a pleaser. You want to please your Dominant. When that is no longer the case, the submissive can be left feeling like a failure or worthless.

My suggestion to prevent that from happening is to constantly be aware of where your relationship is headed. If you feel that you can no longer please your Dominant, speak up. As a Dominant, if you feel that your submissive needs more than you can give, or if he/she is requiring something you cannot provide, discuss your feelings immediately.

The Dominant should never break off the relationship in a harsh or absolute manor. They need to take the time to explain why the relationship is not working and be supportive of the submissive and what they are going through. After all, aftercare is as vital after a scene, as it is at the end of a relationship. Releasing a submissive needs to be handled in the same way.

Further Reading:

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Dear Mistress,
My husband has expressed his desire to “share” me with another man or couple. He has no desire to full swap or have any sexual contact with another woman. I have to admit the thought is very intriguing and if the opportunity presented itself, I would do it.

The problem is we don’t have any friends — so to speak that — would be an option. He has suggested looking online. He is in no way being pushy. If it never happens, I know he’d be OK.

My question is how do you go about finding like-minded people? I’m just afraid if we joined a site that if we met a couple, it would be assumed we would “connect”… and then I think I’d feel less anxiety if it wasn’t set up so to speak.

Is there a safe place to just meet like-minded people? Go out to dinner and not feel like you’re being sized up?

Dear Team Player,
Damn. It sounds like you guys have an adventurous relationship. Congratulations! The idea of sharing can be really exciting if you are able to leave the jealousy behind and explore those fantasies. Not everyone is able to do that.

There are online communities you can join such as FetLife and search for local groups in your area. My suggestion would be to be as open and possible. Let everyone know that you are new on the scene. I have a feeling that you will be surprised at how welcoming and helpful others in the community will be.

If you go to an organized event, contact the organizer ahead of time to let them know this is your first event. Ask them what you should expect and also ask for tips on how to maneuver this new experience. Most organizers will even introduce you to the group. They WANT people there, so they don’t want to scare you away.

You might also want to explore the possibility of a swingers club. Check your area for clubs that specialize in swinging or voyeurism. Going to a swingers club is a very low pressure way to introduce yourself into the world of swinging. You might meet someone there or find out that it’s really not for you. You wander from room to room and find all sorts of activities. Find the vibe that works for you. It’s scary, but it can also be super exciting. Have fun and explore.

Check out these websites for some helpful tips:

Helpful Reading:

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

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Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

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About The Author
Angie
Hi. My name is Angie, and I’m a social-media-and-smut-book-reading addict. Hi…Angie… I’ve been working hard on the magical internet since 2006 when I retired from teaching elementary school to stay at home with my two baby girls. Now, I am a smut peddler. You can follow my nonsense on Twitter and Facebook. Simply, I’m just a girl, looking at the book world, asking it to love her.