My boyfriend and I have started to dabble in some BDSM play over the last few months, and for the most part I really enjoy his dominance, but there are times I’m afraid he doesn’t know what he is doing and that something is going to go wrong. Do you have any suggestions on things we can do to become more educated before something bad happens?
Dear Satisfied But Worried,
Congratulations on starting to explore this exciting world! So many people enter into this lifestyle full throttle, jumping in with both feet. While that is very enticing because there is so much to explore, it’s not the smartest idea. There is just so much to learn.
Our Motto is Safe – Sane – Consensual
You are absolutely right to be worried. So many things can go wrong! Suddenly, without warning, you can find yourself bleeding from an implement that was used incorrectly, wax that was too hot, loss of feeling in your nipples from clamps that were left on for too long, and so on. Any of those are possible, plus another gazillion scenarios that haven’t crossed your mind.
EDUCATION IS KEY. I honestly can’t stress that enough. I see so many people dive right in – it’s foolish. I would suggest the two of you join in your local community and attend workshops and events that are meant to educate. Visit your local adult store and look for flyers or ask the staff for and local BDSM meetings. I would also join FetLife and search for education events in your area. Honestly, you can never be too educated. I never stop learning and for good reason. In the meantime, I will give you some educational reading so you can start to explore safely.
- SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
- Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook
- Dom’s Guide To Submissive Training Vol. 2: 25 Things You Must Know About Your New Sub Before Doing Anything Else. A Must Read For Any Dom/Master In A BDSM Relationship (Men’s Guide to BDSM)
In Fifty Shades Of Grey, Christian said to Ana that he could tell she was a natural born submissive upon first laying eyes on her. Is it true that someone in the lifestyle can pick out another person in the lifestyle just by looking at them and observing their mannerisms?
– Can’t Think Of A Clever Name To Sign This With
Dear Can’t Think Of A Clever Name To Sign This With,
It is absolutely true. It might be difficult to pick up at first, but once you practice and know what to look for, it becomes much easier. Being able to tell if someone likes to get their kink on is one thing (and really fun to figure out!), but determining if someone is a natural submissive or a natural Dominant is completely different and based on nonverbal communication. Everyone gives off clues as to their personality and if they are passive or aggressive. But, even if a person is not involved in the lifestyle, it’s still possible to tell on which side of the fence they would fall. So, now that you’re armed with this information – will you be scoping everyone out?
[Disclaimer: This does not apply to the control freak, uber dominant, mega aggressive person who uses BDSM and submits to a Dominant to calm their mind and forget the world they rule over on a daily basis. That is an entirely different beast.]
Nonverbal Submissive Clues
- Quiet, reserved, or soft-spoken
- Lowers head to appear to hand over control, chin down
- Agreeable personality, preferring others to take the lead whenever possible
- Slightly caved stance, does not stand tall, crosses arms over their chest
- Minimal eye contact; if eye contact is unavoidable, the look is somewhat doe-eyed
- Does not prefer all eyes on them, shies away from being the center of attention
- Smiling with closed lips and downcast eyes
- Nervous laughter or nodding during conversations
- Instinctively turns their body toward those who give off the leader vibe
- Devoted attention to those she/he feels drawn to
Nonverbal Dominant Clues
- Tends to speak first in crowds
- No issue being direct or speaking out
- Enjoys making eye contact when speaking
- Appears to study your face intently when speaking to you
- Does not blink as much as a submissive personality
- Walks tall, shoulders back, confident stride
- Stands with shoulders straight, chin up, leaning back, almost in a “hit me if you dare” stance; this includes hands on the hips
- Reads emotions in people, wants to know what makes them tick
- Serious, intent nature
- Natural observer of situations and people
A) What’s the pain like with a riding crop?
B) Do you have any recommendations or favorite crops?
C) Is it possible to get permanent marks from it?
Dear Crop Curious,
I love the feel of a crop. I love it from both sides.
A) I love handling one; it’s a very controlled tool, in my opinion. The bend and resistance changes based on the exact crop and the material and length of the rod. As for the pain it delivers, it can be soft or brutal. It’s a solid strike with a thuddy sting, not quite as a sharp as a flicker (my fucking favorite), but not quite as flat/blunt as a leather slapper.
C) Honestly, nearly anything can leave a permanent mark if you are striking repeatedly with enough force, if you break skin, or if the skin is thin.
So, let me guess – you want to try one now, right? Lucky for you, I have suggestions. Here are my favorites…
- Strict Leather Short Riding Crop
- Strict Leather Hog Crop with Leather Handle
- Fashionistas Glass Riding Crop (glass handle for penetration!)
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About Dear Mistress
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