Dear Mistress: Violated, Charbroiled, Toyless
I am not really sure why I’m writing to you, since this clearly is not a matter of BDSM. Maybe because you know the importance of trust.
I always had difficulties trusting men. That had resulted in me being 23-years-old with no experience whatsoever until my boyfriend came along. He bypassed all my issues and we’ve been together for three years now. I can’t say we have the perfect relationship, because problems do come from time to time, but we work through them. He takes care of me, and even if he is hesitant to say so, he loves me. I love him, too.
But last night, everything crashed. We were having sex, and he had his finger in my ass. I had told him before that I didn’t want to do anal without the right preparation, because I was afraid. I had read your answer describing the right way and I wanted to really be ready before going there. Unfortunately, my boyfriend apparently forgot what I had told him, and he wanted to try.
Needless to say, I was in pain. What hurt me the most, and it’s the reason why I am writing to you, is the fact that I told him to stop and he didn’t. He went on.
Afterwards, I told him what I was feeling, that it’s a matter of trust for me, and that he violated my trust. Ever since, he is doing his best to show me his remorse, even going out of his way in order to do so. But still, I am shattered. I don’t know what to do.
He has shown in the past that he can adapt to things that bother me or I find bad for our relationship. As do I. We are constantly battling for our relationship, but I thought we had bitten all the trust issues. Right now, I need his actions to tell me that he has regretted, but I also need someone to tell me if such a violation of trust can be amended.
First, I am so sorry this happened to you. Second, no one can tell you if that trust can be restored. To put it bluntly, you were violated. The person you have worked so hard to build a trusting relationship with abused your trust. Deciding to trust him again is solely up to you. Yes, it’s great that he is remorseful, but how do you know he will honor your wishes in the future? You don’t.
The only thing that I can suggest, and this is only if you want to invest more time and effort into rebuilding the trust, is to demand a safeword system be used. We have discussed it here before, but basically you will use a Green-Yellow-Red safeword system that will allow you to communicate your comfort level with the activity that is taking place.
“GREEN” means that everything is fine.
“YELLOW” indicates that he should tread carefully because you are feeling slightly uneasy.
“RED” demands that all activity stop immediately.
He will need to agree to this plan, and you will need to give him a chance to make good on his word. I wish I had better advice, but this is up to you. Thank you for reaching out to me, and I hope that you will be able to move forward.
I’ve been given 36 hours to “ponder” whether I still want to see my Master. We’ve been playing for about six months. We are both married to other people, but I feel like I am getting seriously emotionally attached. While he is just looking for an opportunity to use his Dom tendencies, I’m looking for fulfillment. How close to the fire can I get without getting burned? He is the only man who has earned my submission (apparently I am a switch).
Unfortunately, it sounds like you are already burnt to a crisp. Getting emotionally attached to your Dominant is very common, and sadly, if your Dominant is only looking to play, you will get hurt. This type of dynamic is so much more intense than a vanilla relationship. A lot of people really can’t grasp why that is, but you bare so much of yourself, and the level of trust that is needed is beyond that of a normal relationship. Handing yourself over is not easy, and it opens the door to an emotional attachment that is very strong.
In your case, if you are already asking how close you can get, you already have feelings for him. I would talk to him and be honest before it gets out of hand. You might have to deal with feelings of jealousy if he plays with anyone else. If he makes it clear this is only about play for him, and you allow yourself to get even more attached, the feeling of loss and abandonment you will feel will be extreme. That is Sub Drop of the worst possible kind. I certainly don’t want that for you.
Be honest with him. Be honest with yourself. And love yourself enough to know that you want and deserve more if he is only looking for a play partner. The time to have that discussion was yesterday. Please let me know how you make out.[products ids=”21030,20619″]
Where do you recommend buying “toys” etc. Any specific website or store?
Of course I have my favorites. You didn’t specify which type of toys you are looking for, so I’ll give you a few options, because that’s what I want to do.
- You can’t go wrong with Extreme Restraints. This is for the hardcore BDSM shopper. You want restraints? Done. You want a stainless steel anal hook? This is the place. You want a spanking bench? Look no further. It’s my go-to place for all things kink.
- How about just an orgasm? Maybe some fuzzy handcuffs and a satin blindfold? Or maybe just a nifty, discreet bullet vibe? Eden Fantasies knows what’s up. They’ll get you off. Promise.
- Maybe you’re a discerning shopper – looking for the highest quality and toys that are almost works of art? Tantus has you covered. Superb craftsmanship and streamlined toys that will make anyone’s legs shake in appreciation.
Is that enough for you? I say it is.
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