So, I never had a boyfriend in person (only online) so that pretty much means I haven’t done the “deed” yet. I joined FetLife to look around and learn more, and this girl I chatted with is looking for another “baby girl” for her Dom. They are in a relationship. I exchanged messages with both of them and they are interested in me joining them.
My problem is I’m a very jealous person. I told this to him and he said that me and her will be treated equally. If I do accept their offer, he would like to get to know more about me so he can decide which collar he’ll give me.
They are not rushing me at all. I’m glad about that because I don’t want to make a decision without thinking everything through. I’m interested, but I know it won’t end well for me. I think I’ll always feel second. I know I should decline, but I don’t get what’s stopping me. Even if I do decline, I’d still meet her and maybe we’ll be better off as friends. Any advice will be much appreciated.
Dear Adventurous Neophyte,
First, let me say that I commend you for searching for what you want and being brave enough to ask for advice. Second, taking that huge step should be done on your terms and when you feel completely comfortable. If you are a jealous person, that type of dynamic will do way more harm than good. If you can be friends with them WITHOUT OBLIGATION, I would suggest that instead. That will allow you to learn more about the lifestyle so you can decide what is best for you.
Jumping into the BDSM world can seem really fun and exciting because it’s new and everything is amplified. It’s a lifestyle that is filled with pushing limits and sensation, but what a lot of folks don’t understand is the commitments are even more intense than that of a traditional marriage. Accepting a collar so quickly is a HUGE red flag for me – a big no-no in my book – and something that I’m strongly against for someone who is just starting to explore. You need to find out which dynamic appeals to you the most and will fulfill you.
My advice is to do your homework. Go to munches. Meet lots of folks. The right dynamic for you will become evident in time. More importantly, give the gift of your virginity (not only your submission, if that is what you decide you want) to someone who earns it and will be focused on you 100%. You only get to do that once. I’m always here if you want to talk.[one_third]
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures[/one_third] [one_third]
Polyamory and BDSM: Discovering Love, Sex, Vulnerability and Radical Honesty[/one_third] [one_third_last]
Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities[/one_third_last]
[section label=”Dear Title Curious” anchor=”title”]
How do you know when a Dom is a true Dom? Do they just come out and tell you? Or is there a proper way of telling someone?
Dear Title Curious,
I would hope that the person you are speaking with would be honest with you. Normally, a true Dominant’s personality will give it away 9 times out of 10 – at least that has been the case with my experience. If you are referring to their role in the lifestyle, you can ask questions that will help you learn their history or what they are into.
If you are looking to interview new potential Dominants, I would ask for a history and also references from friends, other Dominants, past submissives, and also anyone they have mentored. Because there are so many frauds these days and people who assume the title without earning the title, I completely understand your concern. This is your safety that is being put on the line, so don’t be afraid to ask for references.
As for a “proper” way to tell someone, that depends on the situation. If it is just casual conversation, I would think that once you are comfortable enough with someone, it should feel very natural to tell them what you are. If it doesn’t, they probably don’t need to know. If you are active in the BDSM community and attend munches, chances are someone’s role/title will be included when you are introduced to them. We tend to like to make our roles known in the beginning. It is not uncommon to meet someone and hear, “This is John. He is the Master of so-and-so…,” that way you know right away who belongs to Master John, which also serves as a warning not to approach John’s slave/submissive.
[section label=”Dear Vanilla Bean” anchor=”vanilla”]
I am what you would call a newbie – or vanilla – to this lifestyle. It excites me to read about the lifestyle and to follow people who are part of this lifestyle, however I have no clue where to begin to become part of this lifestyle. I do not have a partner at this time and have not for a while, but I do know that I want more than what I have had in the past. What and where would you suggest a vanilla person start?
Dear Vanilla Bean,
I think it’s wonderful that you are going through a period of self-discovery. If you can figure out what you DO want, that is half the battle. As I have discussed in the past, it is best to jump into the lifestyle by meeting and talking with people in your local community.
Get started by joining an online community such as FetLife and search for your local events. You can attend munches in your area, which are casual get-togethers in a vanilla setting. They are no-pressure, friendly events that will allow you to meet others in your local community. You can even message the organizer ahead of time so they know you are new and can fill you in on what to expect. Don’t be afraid to do this. Generally, people in the BDSM community are very welcoming and they want you to feel comfortable.
You can also visit your local kink/fetish/sex shops. You will usually see fliers posted for local events. That is another great way to get information in advance.
If you are uneasy with any of the above, please let me know and I can talk to you personally or put you in touch with others who have just ventured into the lifestyle by using the same means – and have had great success.[one_third]
The Absolutely Essential Book of BDSM and S&M Rules – Special Edition – 5 Books
Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities
[/one_third] [one_third_last] [/one_third_last]
[section label=”Dear Disrespected” anchor=”disrespected”]
My Sub keeps hinting that she wants more dominance, however she has a hard time being the Sub that she thinks she is.
For example, I have to travel for my job and be gone for a week or two at a time. When talking to her on the phone I told her she did not tell me she loved me when had a brief conversation earlier. I know she does, but I like to hear it. When I questioned her about it on the follow up phone call after her evening had settled down, she got a snappy attitude with me. When I let her know that tone is not ok, she threatened to hang up on me. We’ve been married 10 years and have children together so it isn’t an option to get a new Sub. Correct me if I am wrong but I am pretty sure that is not how any of this works.
You are 100% correct. That is not how it works. My first observation: it’s “submissive” with a lowercase “s.”
If she wants more dominance from you, she needs to understand that her actions have consequences, especially if she is not respecting the dominance you are displaying already. If both of you have a clear understanding of what is and isn’t allowed, there should be no question. My personal motto:
My second observation of the situation is that she does not respect you in that role. If she did, she would want to please you. Ultimately, a good submissive wants to please her Dominant more than anything. That is clearly not the case here. So, you either need to have a serious sit-down to discuss her attitude, or step it up on your end by punishing infractions appropriately, which will make it very clear to her that her behavior is unacceptable and that brats will not be tolerated. Or (and this is a real possibility) she needs to admit that this dynamic is not for her. It might not be. She might not be a natural submissive and you might not be a natural Dominant. I would hate to see you jeopardize your marriage if the dynamic is truly not for you.
If you need to speak to me about appropriate punishments, please contact me. I will be happy to do so.[one_third]
Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook
The Control Book
How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive: A Practical Guide to Making Your Fantasies a Reality
[alert variation=”alert-danger”][section label=”About Dear Mistress” anchor=”about”]
About Dear Mistress
Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?
She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.
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Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.
Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.[/alert]