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Dear Mistress: Rewarded, Writer, Worried

VOLUME XXXV

It’s your lucky day: a brand spanking new edition of Dear Mistress is here!

And you’re doubly lucky because tickets for Meet Dear Mistress at Shameless Book Con 2018 are now available!

Dear Mistress,

Can a Dominant demand that a submissive inflict pain on them?

Sincerely,
Rewarded in the Best Ways

Dear Rewarded in the Best Ways,

Absolutely. I do – and I love pain. I get off on telling someone else what to do to me. However, I’m always in control.

Unlike a sadist, I don’t personally need the pain to become aroused. I also love humiliation, so the thought of demanding that someone strike me so I feel pain, knowing that doing so is something a submissive is not comfortable with and doesn’t want to do, arouses ME. Humiliation can play a big part of it, too. If the person I am demanding pain from is uneasy doing so, well, that makes it even better because it equates to pouring gasoline on an existing fire. It makes it even that much better for me.

Feeling pain has a way of rooting you in that specific experience. It’s a physical acknowledgment of the situation and what the other person is willing to do for you. It can be very confusing to some submissives because it almost feels like they may be stripping the power away from the Dominant, but in actuality, it’s making them even more powerful.

If a Dominant demands you to inflict pain on them, there is a reason. It is either because they simply enjoy pain, it makes you nervous or uneasy, or they are trying to push you outside of your comfort zone. Always know that 99% of everything a Dominant does or says is for a specific reaction.

Most Dominants push boundaries, and this is no different. Everything is a test. Pleasing your Dominant should be the goal, and if you do as they command, it’s a sense of accomplishment for you as well.

Even this conversation right now.

Dear Mistress,

Hello. An alpha reader suggested I bring my question to you. I am fleshing out the backbone of a new book. I haven’t written anything yet, but I’m fairly close. The story would revisit the couple ten years later, a “second chance BDSM” if you will. She was the natural submissive, drawing him in to the lifestyle. He became dominant to please her, but he pushed past her hard limit and made her run. I know that all submissives are different. Would it make sense if her hard limit was to not perform in public, and he pushed her past that limit? She ran and left the lifestyle behind, to be with an older wealthy man.

Ten years later the dom finally finds her, and she’s married with children. She doesn’t want to leave her family, especially not for the one person who made her turn her back on submission. But she can’t deny how she feels when she’s around him. What do you think? I’d appreciate any feedback you’d like to offer.

Thanks,
Anonymous Writer

Dear Anonymous Writer,

Thank you for your submission. It sounds interesting, but there is one particular thing in your question that concerns me: “She was the natural submissive, drawing him in to the lifestyle. He became dominant to please her…” This has your “submissive” essentially Topping from the bottom right off the bat.

The term “Topping from the bottom” is just that: the fundamental meaning that the person who is supposed to be the submissive or “bottom” is trying to – or is in – control of the situation.

That, to me, seems like a shaky way to start the story of these characters, especially if the character who is supposedly a “natural submissive” is drawing someone into the lifestyle, and the character who is supposedly “dominant” is doing it to please the submissive. It’s completely backwards and not believable.

I’m here if you would like to discuss ideas or ways to make your story as accurate and believable as possible. Thank you!

Dear Mistress,

I have begun venturing into the world of kink and have met some wonderful people. One of those people is a dominant who has become a very close friend who I’d now be lost without. We have had many deep and extremely intimate conversations, and talked about things I’ve never discussed before and they have also been humblingly personal with me. I’m not sure if that has to do with why I feel so connected to them but it certainly feels like much more than regular friendship.

I’m positive this person is attracted to me in both the physical sense and in the dynamic sense and I am also attracted to them in both of those ways. Very much so. It’s impacting me in that while our friendship has helped me understand, identify, and come to terms with who I am and what I want, the connection and affection I’m forging with them is making it impossible to imagine pursuing something with anyone else.

This could be very detrimental because now this kinky door has opened, I’m not able to close it and need to cross through. There are times I feel as though they are “testing” me. There’s been many times I’ve noticed a shift in behavior from them that’s made me feel like something was “happening” and influence/control was being explored between us and they have certainly influenced me greatly in a number of ways. They frequently talk about things they do during kinkiness in direct response to things I’m expressing a desire for in a way that’s designed to be seductive and appealing to me.

The problem is, I have no idea if this is part of their personality as a Dom, or if they are gently grooming or considering me for something else. I don’t feel that there’s been an opening to ask this directly as these signals have been subtle, and I’m terrified that if I’m wrong, I’ll look like an asshole for thinking anything and insult them with the insinuation.

I am terrified to broach the subject for fear it could ruin our friendship which I treasure so dearly. I’m scared they could withdraw from me or lose respect for me if I am incorrect in my interpretation. Mostly, I feel I’m not incorrect but acknowledge that there’s a world of difference between if they desire me and if they have any true intentions…

This dominant does have an existing dynamic and I wonder if perhaps the complexity in adding an additional dynamic simply requires level of certainty that is making a new consideration a very long and sensitive process?

Are you able to offer any guidance on whether this is typical or how I should be interpreting or responding to this situation? Thank you.

Regards,
Feeling Worried

Dear Feeling Worried,

I can understand how this new world that you’re venturing into can seem like a dark forest with lots of exciting dark corners that both thrill and scare you. It is meant to do that in some ways and also make you feel like you are finally home. I remember those same feelings.

The situation that you are describing is troublesome. If the person you are developing a friendship with is a true Dominant, and they are in fact interested in pursuing a dynamic with you, then I would be surprised they have not verbalized it directly.

The backbone to any effective BDSM lifestyle dynamic is communication, trust, and openness – and that starts from the beginning.

Though as far as feeling they are testing you, you may be experiencing their true nature. Are they known to make others uneasy? Do they act the same way with others you know?

The majority of Dominants that I have had the pleasure of knowing throughout my life have a common thread: confidence, directness, control, assertiveness, and compassion.

This leads me to conclude…

• If this Dominant were “grooming” you, it would have been discussed, and you would know.

• If this Dominant was actively seeking a dynamic with you, you would know. Communication is paramount over anything else.

• If this Dominant is in an active dynamic, chances are they would not actively pursue another unless their existing dynamic allowed for more than one submissive. They would most likely be very open about their situation.

• If their existing dynamic is bound by a collar, do not engage unless it is made clear to you they are actively looking to add another submissive into the fold. The collar can be described as more sacred than a wedding ring.

We Dominants are interesting creatures. We are usually confident and charismatic in nature, which draws you in. We can also be enigmatic to the point of frustration. I have never met a true Dominant who sends wishy washy signals because they tend to be goal-oriented beings.

If they want you, and it’s even remotely possible, they will get you, and they will make it very clear that you are their target. If this Dominant has not done so, you are most likely misreading the signals. They make their intentions very clear so there is no chance for error.

The funny thing with us kinky folk – and you will find this as you continue your journey – we love to talk to those who want to learn and explore. We don’t always get the opportunity to do just that because of societal constraints. Keep that in mind, because I am sure you are learning that lifestylers are anxious to share and help you grow and discover yourself. That may very well be the case here.

I wish you luck and an exciting journey. If I can be of further assistance, please reach out again.

Previous Dear Mistress Columns

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.[/su_note]

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress? She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us. Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress! Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally. Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions. Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

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