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Dear Mistress: Shameless18 Edition

Did you miss me? 

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who attended both Dear Mistress Q&A sessions last month at #Shameless18! We wanted to do something a little different than the previous year, and I think we hit it out of the park.

Our top secret location allowed for a more intimate discussion, as well as full demonstrations and even guest participation. You got to see and feel a large selection of my personal implement collection, and even experience my St. Andrew’s Cross and spanking bench. Some of you even got to be flogged, flicked, cropped, and whipped by yours truly. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves as much as I enjoyed having you. Surprisingly, I didn’t need ibuprofen! We’re aiming to do the same, if not better, for #Shameless19. Stay tuned!

Along with some unmentionables that were left behind, there were also some anonymous questions that were submitted that I did not have time to answer during the event, so I would like to answer some of them now.


Dear Mistress,
Is there a special kind of candle to use for wax play? 

Dear Anonymous Guest,
Yes! You were fortunate enough to watch an actual BDSM scene between a Top and bottom, and the Top was using a set of drip candles to deliver a hot, unexpected sensation in the form of wax play. The bottom was bound to the cross and blindfolded. She had no idea what was coming next. Imagine being in her shoes (which were hot, btw) – bound, blindfolded, and then hearing the candle being lit and feeling the heat radiate to your skin. Not knowing where you will feel the next drip. It’s intoxicating and sends your mind whiling. 

The drip candles come as a set with a red, purple, and black candle in varying degrees of heat. The black being the hottest. These candles are made specifically to drip with wax that is not as hot as a traditional candle. Don’t get me wrong, they still pack a punch. Wax play is erotic and sensual, and removing the wax can be just as much fun as dripping it in unexpected places. Let me know how you like them. 


Dear Mistress, 
How do you determine which implements to use? 

Dear Anonymous Guest, 
This is a great question and I’m sure it has crossed plenty of minds. As I said during our session, I am meticulous when planning out my sessions (always having plans A, B, and C mapped out). I choose my implements based on a few different things. 

Mood – Am I frustrated? Am I angry? Am I feeling restless? If so, I will choose something that will deliver sharp, strong sensations such as a flicker or whip. Those implements give me the most satisfaction when the shock of the impact travels up my arm. I get my release in the most satisfying, efficient way. 

Am I’m feeling playful? If so, I may choose a crop since it’s so diverse. Or, perhaps a leather slapper or studded paddle. Both deliver a fun spanking.

Am I feeling incredibly possessive? If so, my first instinct is to use a knife and carve. Blood satisfies my possessive urges.

Aside from mood, I also have to take into account how my submissive will be dealing with the repercussions of the session. Will they be sitting for a long period of time the following day? If so, I’ll choose something like a paddle or slapper so their ass is sure to feel several reminders of what they experienced. Will they be standing most of the following day? If so, I’ll most likely use a flogger so I can touch on the length of their body and have them experience it from their legs to their shoulders. 

I also have to think about my location and surroundings. Do I have enough room to swing or crack a 5’ bull whip? Is the ceiling high enough? Do I have enough floor space for proper footing? 

As you can see, there are a lot of factors that come into play. But none more important than satisfying my need in the best possible way. 

Here are some of the implements that I mentioned above, and that were on display during our session:


Dear Mistress, 
When starting to date someone, how long would you recommend waiting until you bring up kink? What’s too long to avoid wasting time if not in the lifestyle? 

Dear Anonymous Guest,
This is really a judgment call based on the individual. If you met them in a kinky surrounding, don’t wait. Chances are they’re kinky. If this is more of a BDSM dynamic rather than a traditional relationship, this will be discussed from the onset. You would want to discuss your roles, limits, needs – basically negotiating from the start. Wouldn’t it be amazing if vanilla relationships were that easy and cut and dry? 

If starting out vanilla, I would wait until the conversation turns to intimate topics. I’m sure you don’t want to freak the other person out, but if you’re concerned about wasting time, I would initiate the conversation using questions such as: 

“Would you like it if I tied your wrists to the bed and unzipped your pants? Yes? What if next I blindfolded you? Would you like that too? Do you love the idea of giving up control? Yes? What would you do to me if were the one tied to the headboard?”

“If you’re naughty, I could put you in a cock cage and have you at my mercy. Does that scare you or turn you on?”

“I think you should put Ben Wa balls inside of me before we go to dinner and then pull them out with your teeth when we get home.” 

You don’t have to get too crazy with the ice breaking questions such as, “Will you let me tie you up with duct tape and let me urinate in your mouth?” unless you want to, that is. But these types of questions will get your answer for you quickly. If the person is suddenly panting with dilated pupils, you’ve got yourself a keeper. If not, no big deal. You decide what you’re comfortable with. 

And before anyone asks, these types of leading questions ARE NOT TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM. Why not? Say it with me…

Because if you are not in the lifestyle, you do not need a role. You are just a kinky motherfucker who likes kinky sex. And that is perfectly normal. 

If you’re in the lifestyle with a designated role (i.e. submissive, bottom, little, etc.), then these sorts of questions would be considered “topping from the bottom” and would be out of line. Granted, if you’re both in the lifestyle, there would be no need to have a conversation like the above because your roles would define how your dynamic develops. 

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress? She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us. Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress! Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally. Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions. Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

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