Dear Mistress: Back Up & Slow Down, Dave, Tara, Corporal Punisher
And now, scroll down to the newest column! Fair warning: She gets a bit testy with a reader. 😳
I am a new mistress. I was given my first slave from a head mistress. I am learning about my new journey and I have to learn more about the control. The other day my slave informed me he was approached by another mistress and wanted to know what to do. I was told I have to realize it is ok to share my with other mistresses, and to enjoy the pleasures of other mistresses using my worthless slave. But I have the right to be in control on what they can and can’t do.
Dear Back Up & Slow Down,
I understand that you are new and I will be as gentle as I can be given your situation. Your questions worry me and I have questions in return:
- Do you have a mentor?
- Are you still working your way up and learning the ropes? If so, for how long?
- Is your slave collared? (I would hope so, but if you still have these basic questions, it does not sound like you are experienced enough to collar anyone, let alone have a slave.)
- Who told you it was “ok” to share your slave with ANYONE?
- Who thinks your slave is “worthless?”
- If your Head Mistress gave you your slave and (I’m assuming) is now telling you that you should share your worthless slave, I assume you have hesitation and are wondering if this is, in fact, acceptable. Is that the case?
As you can tell, all of this if of great concern to me. If you are still learning and have already assumed the title of “Mistress,” and you already have a collared slave, you need to slow down.
Having a slave is a MASSIVE undertaking and a MASSIVE responsibility. If you are unsure of the boundaries that should already be in place, this is an issue. How can you be in control of another person when you don’t understand what should be very clear and concise rules?
Your slave is YOUR responsibility and they live to serve YOU. Whether or not you choose to share your slave with others is up to you and you alone. No one makes that decision for you – especially your slave. You need to have clear rules, boundaries, and limits in order to be effective as a Mistress.
If your slave is collared, NO ONE APPROACHES A COLLARED SLAVE WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION FIRST. That collar is a clear indication that your slave is off-limits.
Who is this Mistress you are training with? Who approached your slave without asking first? That is the biggest no-no in this lifestyle. If they are experienced and know what they are doing, they would know this basic rule. How dare they disrespect you. You absolutely have the right to say what can and can’t happen, but that needs to start between you and your slave first. Your dynamic, your rules.
It sounds like you need to take a step back, learn all of the aspects of your role, and then take it slowly.
And finally, who referred to your slave as “worthless?” Let me make this clear: anyone who CHOOSES to serve you for your pleasure is worth EVERYTHING.
Your slave is to be respected, cherished, and held in the highest regard. If your dynamic with your slave includes humiliation and degradation, that’s perfectly normal, but that is what makes them so revered. If that is difficult for you or anyone else to understand, it is time to back up and examine your true motives for being in this lifestyle.
How can you consider someone who is your responsibility, and someone who depends on you for their emotional well-being, as “worthless?” Your slave is your top priority.
If anyone referred to my submissive as “worthless,” they would see a side of me they would live to regret.
I suggest you do some reading on this lifestyle, your role, and how to develop your brand of control. Please feel free to reach out to me privately if you would like to discuss this further. I wish you luck and clarity.
I am 33 years old and cannot get the desire to be dominated out of my head. I’m not talking about your normal BDSM stuff. Personally, I love to be objectified mostly by face-sitting. I enjoy being “encouraged” to wear panties by a woman and have even thought about receiving a golden shower.
I am completely straight but would simply love a woman to do this to me. I know it is not normal because it has cost me several relationships.
I guess I’m hoping you might help me figure out what is wrong with me. I really enjoy these activities but feel awkward trying to fulfill them.
I hope your expertise and advice may help me shed light on my psychosis. If you could get back to me, I would do greatly appreciate it. I thank you for taking the time to read this.
Sincerely and Respectfully,
First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. At all. You ARE normal. You obviously have not found the right partner yet.
Do I know people who are into the same things you are? You better believe I do. Is there something “wrong” with them? Not at all.
Each person is unique. If your thinking is correct, is there something wrong with me? I like to carve skin with blades. I get off on blood. What does that say about me? You’re coming to me for advice, so you must think that I can offer some form of solace or reassurance that you’re not a lost cause.
Are you vanilla? Nope. Am I vanilla? Nope. (I’m more like Tutti-Frutti). If vanilla works for you, awesome. I know I am not happy in the “normal” vanilla world, and neither are you. So as far as I can see it, you feel as though you’re out there on your own island, being branded a freak.
But guess what? There are so many others out there as well. You just need to find your tribe.
If you’re on dating sites, be honest about what you’re into. Join other sites that specialize in deviant lifestyles such as Alt.com and Fetlife.com where you can seek out others who are into the same kinks. (Don’t be afraid of the word deviant. Deviant is not a bad word.)
Visit your local kink shops and ask if they have meet-ups. Look at the brochures that are sitting out. This is where you will find your people. Go to local munches. Go to kink conventions.
Your proclivities may not be the definition of BDSM, but they fall within the kink community. Your fetishes are not abnormal; they are actually VERY popular.
I promise you, your people are out there. And when you find them, it will be like the clouds have parted and the sun is finally shining down on you. I want that for you. I wish you happiness and lots of flavors other than vanilla.
Please consider this reading material:
Do submissives or slaves ever make their Dominant or Masters mad on purpose? Can you have play without it being a punishment?
I’m not for bratty behavior, but some Dominants are into it. Some like the challenge of having to punish and get off on the “play” aspect of it, but I don’t punish brats. To me, that makes it a game.
Bratty behavior will get nothing from me, which, to me, is worse than any punishment. Keep in mind that all dynamics are unique and different and the concept of being a brat to incite a punishment works for some. Some people get off on it. For me, it’s a no-go.
Can you have play without punishment? Absolutely. For me, it’s necessary. I don’t always want to have to punish to flex my control muscles. I do so whenever I need it.
What are the best instruments to use for spanking on a amateur level?
Dear Corporal Punisher,
Spankings turn me on. Do they turn you on, too? You don’t have to look far for the proper implement.
Allow your eyes to travel down that predominant arm of yours and gaze lovingly at your hand. That’s really all you need. Your hand, a partner, and gusto.
I could go on and on, but there is this nifty little graphic I found, and they have spelled it out for all future spankers and spankees.
In addition to your hand, there are some nifty implements to use. A hairbrush? Totally. A paddle? You betcha. A slapper? Fuck, now I’m turned on. I’ll include my favorites below.
Now, pull down those panties and bend over.
About Dear Mistress
Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?
She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.
Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!
Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.
Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.
Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.