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The BDSM lifestyle is something that intrigues me very much. I have always been aware that I possess dominant traits, and have connected it with my sexuality from an early age, before I even knew that BDSM was actually a thing. It just felt natural.
Despite my interest in it, I am very inexperienced when it comes to practicing kink and sex all together. I’m actually still a virgin. I’m also on the younger side, but I have a baby-face which makes it so people have the tendency to patronize me. It makes it difficult to garner respect.
I want to jump into the lifestyle, but the problem is I don’t even know where to begin. I know I am a Domme (possibly with some switch tendencies that I’d be willing to explore), and I would also love to work as a Dominatrix. Of course that requires experience, so where do you suggest I start? I have thought about joining Fetlife and trying to find fetish parties to attend, but is that a good place to learn and practice? Do I need a mentor? Thank you for your advice, Mistress. I really value your help.
Dear Baby-Faced Beginner,
I feel you. Having started to explore at a young ago – nearly three decades ago – I know what that need is without having a way to channel it properly. My advice to you is to slow down. There is no rush here. Yes, you want to learn, but that takes a lot of time and effort.
At this point, without any experience, there is no need to pigeon hole yourself as a Domme. You can’t make that determination until you are successfully able to dominate someone. That means you are skilled, convincing, and in control – and you fully understand the weight of your responsibility. Only then can you be considered a Domme. Be patient.
As for working as a Dominatrix – the same rules apply. You need to master your craft if anyone is going to be willing to pay you for your services. You will need to practice, learn, listen, and give it your all.
Before we even address becoming a professional, please understand that dominating someone is difficult. It is a tremendous responsibility as your submissive/slave/bottom is your priority and in your care. You need to learn how to read people, how to negotiate limits, and how to effectively earn submission. Yes it comes a little easier to those who have a predisposition to it and a controlling personality, but unless you fine-tune your skills, you’re a loose cannon with some implements that can seriously injure someone. Be willing to learn.
That brings me to my next piece of advice – you need a mentor. You need hands-on training. You need to watch everything. You need to attend events. You will be put in the position to harm someone, so you need to take that seriously. Never use an implement on someone if you have not tested it out on yourself.
I highly suggest submitting or being a bottom for a while so you can learn the emotions behind it. The more you understand the other side, the stronger you will be in your role. I can’t stress that enough. There is no way you can truly understand unless you experience it.
Sign up for FetLife and Alt.com. Join local groups. Attend munches. Talk to those in your local kink community. Be yourself and let them know that you are new and you want to mentor so you can learn responsibly. Be open.
Lastly, your baby face is not an issue. When you learn your craft, your baby face will be a weapon. Let someone not take you seriously and let them see how you can prove them wrong. Sounds fun, doesn’t it? That’s because it is.
Oh, and have you noticed that I didn’t address the fact that you’re a virgin? I’m sure you did. That’s because it doesn’t matter. This lifestyle isn’t about sex. And you never need to use your sexual experience as power over anyone. Don’t ever forget that. Be empowered.
I wish you luck and I would love to hear from you while you’re on your journey.
My wife and I just recently decided to use chastity. How long should she keep me in it? And what kind of punishment should she use?
You and your wife decided? She has you in a cock cage and YOU’RE asking me how long she should keep you in it? YOU’RE asking me how she should punish you?
Why are you asking me if you’re the one in a cock cage? You have it backwards. The person who is holding the key should be asking me. Tell your wife to contact me.
And for what it’s worth – that’s calling “topping from the bottom,” and that alone should earn you a punishment.
My husband and I have been dabbling in the bedroom for the past few years. After almost 25 years together, our sex life is better than ever. I find my pleasure comes from a submissive role, of being bound, the combination of pleasure and pain, and satisfying him. All of this has worked well and continues to work well.
He has now discovered he also receives great gratification from pain and recently has requested me to use his flogger and paddle on him. We don’t live in the lifestyle, we don’t know others that live in the lifestyle, so my question is… is this done in kink? Are there Dominants who desire to receive as well as inflicting pain?
The first time he demanded that I take the flogger, I was incredibly uncomfortable, but when I saw what it did for him and remember what it does for me, my only desire was to provide that same satisfaction that he often provides to me.
Dear Reluctant Top,
You said “Dearest” so you’re my favorite today. Well, I’ll put it this way: I like receiving pain. I love to see what I can take. Does that make me any less of a Domme? Nope. It makes me a pain lover.
There is something that stuck out to me – “The first time he demanded that I take the flogger…” This is a good sign. He “demanded” that you do it. This still gives him the upper-hand and tells me that he knows he is in control.
There is a big difference between “I want to submit to you and I want you to dominate me” –versus– “Use this flogger on me and show me what you can deliver.” He is in control and telling you what he wants. If he wants YOU to be the Dominant and treat him as a submissive, then we get into very dangerous territory.
Normally, a person who dominates someone does not submit to the same person. This is just like the rule of thumb with Switches. Being a Switch is normal, but generally that Switch does not “switch” with the same person. When you do, it really causes issues within your dynamic. You would start to lose respect for their authority and essentially see them in a different light. No one wants that to happen.
Now if we are just talking about two people who do not engage in a D/s dynamic, and they just love switching it up sexually… as in, one night they’re the sexual aggressor and the next night the other person is – no worries. You’re not messing with a dynamic there; you just like taking turns. That’s completely normal.
And really everyone, if this is you… stop putting labels on yourself. You’re not a Dominant and you’re not a submissive if you just like kinky fucking where you alternate who is being the aggressor. You’re not living the BDSM lifestyle. No labels needed. Just enjoy your fucking and don’t try to fit yourself into a specific role. (end rant)
Back to you. So, just so you know, it’s perfectly normal. And if you go to kink events, you will see Tops taking what looks to be a bottom role. They are not a bottom. They have instructed the bottom on what to do. The Top is the scene director. The Top can say, “I want you to do this to me. I want you to put that plug in my ass and cane my balls.” The Top is still in control.
The Top still determines how this scene will play out. The bottom is a good little bottom and does as they’re told. Now if the bottom says something like, “I think we should use the crop instead,” see the question and answer above. That bottom will be in for a world of hurt – and rightfully so.
Rest easy, Reluctant Top – as long as you still see him as your Dominant and he still earns your submission effectively, it’s all good. If not, let’s talk. You know how to find me.
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About Dear Mistress
Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?
She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.
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Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.[/alert]