Interview With The Mistress
When Kyleigh Jane started here at Smut Book Club as the Resident Misfit, she told me she wanted to get to know the authors and people in our community through interviews. After interviewing a few authors and delving into the inner workings of the minds of a writer, I thought it would be fun to attempt to get into the mind of a practicing Mistress.
Through some connections I have, I was put in touch with Mistress Z. I have not met Mistress Z in person, but I trust my source to put me in touch with someone who would give us true insight into the BDSM lifestyle without holding anything back.
Not every Master or Mistress is the same, just as you and I are different. There are certain lines they in the lifestyle will not cross, and anonymity is one line Mistress Z required we stay behind. She is not an author, nor is she someone you think you know. Mistress Z is a long-practicing Mistress with decades of practical knowledge most of us will never experience with her own set of rules and beliefs.
Mistress Z lives the life we read and fantasize about. Kyleigh Jane and I hope your mind is opened and your nethers tingled as you read the interview with Mistress Z. If you have any of your own questions you’d like answered by Mistress Z, leave them in the comments section below.
–> Just for funsies, I’m giving away books from Mistress Z’s favorite series below. <—
Good evening, Mistress Z. I appreciate you taking the time to talk with me.
It’s my pleasure.
It’s not every day that we are able to get such an intimate view inside the real life of BDSM — and even more rare for it to be from a Domme’s perspective, so thank you! How would you prefer that I address you?
I prefer Mistress, thank you.
When I told our readers that I would be interviewing you, I invited them to submit some of their own ideas, and they came up with some incredibly thoughtful and insightful questions.
Here is what our inquisitive readers wanted to know:
Carol: How did you get into the lifestyle?
The simple answer comes down to two words: “Make Me.” Those two words were whispered to me by my then-boyfriend, and they unleashed the beast, so to speak. A light bulb went off in my head, and I suddenly knew how to channel my control issues. They changed my life.
Do you live the lifestyle 24/7?
Mentally, I do. Life circumstances make it impossible to physically live the lifestyle 24/7. It’s an inherent part of my personality, so I am never without it really.
Do you go to any special clubs? If so, what sorts of things do you personally do in the clubs? Do you display your skills for others to see?
Yes. Having been a part of the lifestyle for over two decades, going to clubs used to be beneficial and necessary to meet and interact with like-minded people, to learn new techniques, and try new products. Now that we’re all spoiled by modern technology, the clubs have died down for me personally. The Internet, cellphones, FaceTime, and Skype have revolutionized the way we interact. Websites such as Facebook and FetLife have made it much easier. I’m from the days of meeting in dark clubs in those rooms that no one knew existed. I miss that in a way…the excitement, I suppose.
The club scene is interesting. It’s just an opportunity to remove the mask of daily life. As a voyeur, I’m turned-on by seeing others in their element.
I have participated in public floggings, whipping, suspensions, hands-on demonstrations of different tools, and the public walking of my leashed pet.
Chandra (one of my favorite questions): What perfume do you wear?
Damn Chandra — great question. Not many people think of the sensory aspects of the lifestyle. Scent is a big part of my scenes, especially if I chose to restrict my pet’s vision. I prefer scents that are striking and warm. My go-to is Dior’s Hypnotic Poison. It’s heady and intoxicating which coincides with how I want my scenes to be.
Shara: Do you dominate only men, men and women, or both? What, if any, are the differences between dominating a man and dominating a woman?
Both. I’m not partial to either. Speaking from personal experience, there are differences. Women tend to gravitate toward the sensual aspect of submitting, whereas a male responds more to the physical rawness of submitting. The males tend to want humiliation and raw pain more than women. Again, this is from my experience. The lifestyle and dynamic are different for everyone, just as my needs are my own. Everyone has their own kink.
What do you think about the Fifty Shades of Grey explosion? Has it helped or hurt the lifestyle?
I knew this question was coming. I’ll start by saying I’ve read the series (who hasn’t?) and enjoyed it. Let’s be honest, without the Fifty Shades frenzy, this interview would not be taking place. People like me were only discussed privately. I feel the author was well-researched and depicted some actual BDSM scenes in an elementary manner which made them easier to swallow. The author focused on the sensual aspect of the lifestyle, which is not always present. There are real fetishes that require no sexual release. Basically it’s not always about the love story and sex. But it’s easy to see why they were the focus.
For me personally, it was quite alarming to see this once very taboo lifestyle forced into the mainstream. Suddenly, soccer moms were reading about butt plugs and spreader bars outside of their child’s school. I was put-off at first, but I’ve since calmed my tits and now get a kick out of overhearing conversations while in line at the grocery store. I do think it’s important for readers to not get lost inside the fantasy world of Christian and Anastasia. The harsh reality of the lifestyle is not always as candy-coated. I do think it’s helped to open eyes and minds, but also hurt the exclusivity of the lifestyle.
Melinda: Does it get stressful always being in control? Do you ever just let go and let something happen spontaneously, or is it always thought out, planned, and controlled?
Oh Melinda, control is a bitch. I need it in my life, but yes it’s stressful. Control issues for me started as a child. I have difficulty relinquishing control in everyday situations such as flying, ordering in a restaurant, or being a passenger in a car. I keep my life structured and clutter-free. Clutter gives me major anxiety.
Funny story — when I was 4-years-old, my mother was driving and managed to get us lost. I chimed in from the backseat, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you shouldn’t be driving!” I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t like this.
As far as scenes go, I’m in control. I have it planned out ahead of time. Everything is thought-out. It’s a responsibility I have trouble putting into words. My desire is to first and foremost fulfill my needs, while at the same time, predicting and controlling my pet’s reactions; this control/responsibility is even harder when he/she is inexperienced. I sometimes envy people who can just let shit go.
Angie, our Fearless Leader in Smut: Do you read smut, or do you keep smut to your real life only? If you do read smut, what is your favorite?
Ahhh a fellow leader! You’ll be happy to know that I enjoy good smut. Both on the page and in real life. And fuck, do I have some character crushes: Gideon, Gabriel, Ethan, Damien, Nora, but most of all Soren. I probably come at it from a different angle though; I want to make all of those cocky Alpha’s weep at my feet. Naturally.
Expanding on that question, Cheryl wonders if there are any BDSM books you have read that are very true to the lifestyle?
Oh Cheryl, most definitely. Tiffany Reisz has done me proud. The Original Sinner series is always my first recommendation for those who want a true taste of what this lifestyle is about.
What is the most important thing you require from a sub?
Obedience and trust. And without an open mind, we’re wasting our time. Move along.
Rita: How do you start a discussion with your partner about exploring a D/s relationship? What is the best way to get into the lifestyle?
Each relationship is different. You have to be with someone who is open-minded and not afraid to experiment. Crossing that line from a “vanilla” relationship to one that starts to incorporate touches of BDSM can be as simple as saying, “Honey, I want to try something…” or just being honest. If you are interested in submitting and your partner is a man, MEN LOVE VISUALS. You may want to broach the subject with your partner by talking dirty during sex. Throw in a, “I would come so hard for you if you restrained me while you licked my pussy.” Or perhaps, “I really want you to tie my hands behind my back, put me on my knees, and fuck my mouth.”
Men can be idiots, trust me. Women tend to pick up on things a lot quicker. Most men have that inner need to dominate their women — to know that she comes only for him.
Now if you’re looking to be the one cracking the whip — by all means, you should already have that inner confidence required. Speak up! Be the aggressor during sex — start playful. Start with playful commands to get your partner in the mindset that you are in control.
Granted, bringing on a full-blown D/s relationship is trickier. Those roles, in most cases, need to be in ingrained in your being. I feel in most cases you need to be born with those tendencies. That does not mean they cannot happen — of course they can.
Start by talking about how much it turns you on. Talk about the things you want to experience — only with him/her. Let your partner know how it would make you feel. If you are shy, write down your desires and have your partner read your words.
Jaden: Do you practice alone or within a BDSM community?
Hi Jaden. I love your sexy name. As the present time, I practice alone. However, in the past, I needed a community to make connections. I’m beyond that point now and prefer to be the ruler of my own kingdom.
Do you enforce a collar/contract with your subs, or is it more liberal in your partnerships?
That depends on the dynamic with the individual. I used to collar my pet, but extenuating circumstances do not allow it at this time.
However, there is someone new in my life, and she makes me want to rethink things. I get very possessive and need to be careful to curb those tendencies — especially if circumstances prevent me from collaring.
Have you ever submitted to anyone? (Such a great question.)
Yes, I knew this one was coming, too. Yes. Over the years I have only submitted to one individual. It was an intense two-year learning experience and one that I did not enjoy. The idea fascinates me, but I don’t have the demeanor for handing over control. I’m an Alpha-Dominant type.
Jessica: What is the biggest mistake a Domme can make, and what is the biggest mistake a sub can make?
Ooooo difficult question. Each Dominant/Domme has a different set of rules and things that they find unacceptable. As a Domme, the biggest mistake I could make is not properly learning my pet/submissive — taking the time to invest in their personality, wants, and needs.
Ultimately, my goal is to know what my submissive needs without having to ask. Having a pet/submissive use a safe word feels like a failure on my part. On the flip side, the biggest mistake my pet/submissive could make is to deny my pleasure. Period.
Okay, now from me:
I’m a fashion girl myself, so my mind immediately goes to, what do you WEAR?!? Is it latex suits and stilettos, or are my Cat Woman fantasies all in my head?
Oh Kyleigh…MEEEOOOWW! They are most certainly not all in that pretty little head of yours. Would it help to know that I am wearing my cat ears at this very moment? I’m a fashion fiend! I have a serious patent leather fetish — oh and buckles. Buckles make me wet. My personal kink wardrobe consists of numerous corsets, dresses, gloves, ears, fishnets, and don’t even get me started on shoes. I have several pairs of fuck-hot boots that I would love to make you lick.
If you could give every woman in the world ONE sex toy, what would that toy be? Secondly, what is your favorite BDSM toy/implement?
Never underestimate the power of your hand. Ten digits, endless possibilities. Have you ever noticed how sensitive your palms are? Go ahead — scratch your palm. Your hand is a glorious instrument. You can get yourself and your partner off. And let’s not forget spanking.
My favorite BDSM tool is my 5′ black leather bull whip. It’s heavy and intimidating. I’ve had my current one for about ten years. It defines who I am.
What is your sexual kryptonite? What, if anything, brings you to your knees? What’s your favorite kink?
Possessiveness. I don’t like to share. Having my pet/submissive kneeling at my feet solely for my pleasure is what satisfies my soul. It destroys me and builds me up at the same time. I need it and I want it. I tend to covet, so I want to cage my possessions for my pleasure only.
Reward/Punishment and Bondage/Restraint
I think I would make a terrible “real life” submissive. I don’t know, maybe I’m more of a switch. I love submission, but I want to be made to submit. I want unicorn vs. pegasus, battle royale. I want the fight. Make me submit. Break me. How would you make me submit to you?
Oh Kyleigh, now my fingertips are tapping with excitement! Since you have such a way with words and seem to be quite chatty, let’s start by gagging you.
Normally I would not use a cage as punishment, but in your case, I would want to take you out of any comfort zone you know. If you’re a good girl and stop grunting in frustration, I’ll let you out. If I decide to let you out, I’ll restrain you. I’ll put you over a bench and restrain your wrists and ankles. I will not remove the gag — and you’re not permitted to make a sound.
I’ll start by using a wand on your clit. One sound out of you, and I will remove it and it will be replaced by a hard slap to your ass with my slapper. It will hurt and sting and your eyes will tear. I will alternate until you figure out that if you do things my way, you’ll let go, and I will let you come. When I give you permission to come, you will. I’ll remove the gag, and you’ll thank me.
That was fun. Everyone is different. To push someone to their mental breaking point, you need to have insight into what makes them tick. My goal would be to take you where you are afraid to go.
Surely you’ve seen some pretty weird shit. What is the craziest thing you have ever seen in the BDSM community?
I respect all kink. What I consider crazy is perfectly normal to the next person. I will say that I cannot get into enema play. It’s disturbing to me. But if that’s what gets you off, have fun.
I, Kyleigh Jane, will NOT be peed on. And no poo play! I mean… ick. What’s your hard limit?
Caning. I don’t like to receive it, and I prefer not to be on the giving end. However if I feel that my pet/submissive needs it, I will indulge.
Music is a big part of my life, and I ask about musical favorites in every interview. What is your favorite sex music?
Oh sweetie, you’re speaking my language. Music is bigger than scent for a scene for me. It can alter the mood and set the tone. Not to mention, it really helps with pacing.
Not many people consider the physical toll being a Domme takes on your body. Would you believe that I have developed something called De Quervain’s Tenosynovotis in my right wrist and require cortisone shots? Whipping, flogging, etc. take a lot of you. It’s a repetitive movement, usually in varying intensity. I guess you could say I have “whipper’s wrist?” But in all seriousness, music is essential — not only for mood, but to control my breathing and pace.
What is the difference between a Domme and a Dominatrix?
A Domme is a female Dominant; a Dominatrix is a professional female Dominant who charges for her services. Nice living, right?
Rapid Fire Round! READY—SET—GO!
Favorite sex word/phrase? Cunt
Favorite post sex snack? Post sex — water; Post session — water and Advil
Best bedroom advice? Obey me.
Stranded alone on island, what do you want with you? Solar powered battery charger and my iPhone which holds all of my music and books.
Guilty pleasure? My life is a guilty pleasure. But I’ll say red candy apples.
Pet peeve? The phrase “it is what it is.”
Sexiest man alive, sexiest woman alive? Man — Gandy. Fuck. Me. Woman — Kyleigh, you’re looking pretty good right now, but I prefer blondes.
What makes your eyes roll to the back of your head? Sitting on my pet’s/submissive’s face.
Leather or lace? Do I look like a lace gal? LEATHER.
Over-stimulation, or deprivation? They both have their place.
Favorite book of all time? The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein (Didn’t see that coming, did you?)
Let’s make out. Get on your knees so I can properly kiss you.
If you decide this lifestyle is for you, just remember it needs to be Safe, Sane, and Consensual. No exceptions.
Thank you so much, Mistress Z. This has been an absolute pleasure.
The pleasure is all mine, Kyleigh. As always.
If you have any questions for Mistress Z, we’d love to forward them to her to be answered. Leave your questions in the comments below.
About Kyleigh Jane
I suppose I was introduced to romance at an early age. When I was around 10 years old, I happened upon a highlighted and dog eared copy of “The Joy Of Sex” on my mother’s bookshelf. I was shocked. I was fascinated. Maybe it was the 1970s power muffs, maybe it was the mustaches, maybe it was phrases such as “tongue bath”, who knows. A couple of years later it was V.C. Andrews “Flowers In The Attic,” which upon discovery, my mom took away from me. From there I chugged along reading Danielle Steel novels, until one day, a little book called “Fifty Shades Of Grey” came along. It was a sirens call. It was everything I never knew I wanted. I was hooked. My love of reading romance blossomed into a new love for erotica, and I haven’t stopped reading since. I have a love for stories with grit, and substance, and meat on their bones. The dark stories, the format breakers, the unusual. I’m always searching for that next great read.