Dear Mistress: Hopeless Romantic, Kinky Therapy, Newbie Dominant

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Dear Mistress: Hopeless Romantic, Kinky Therapy, Newbie Dominant

Naughty Teaser: We’ll be sharing a reader-submitted sexy story next week for a Special Edition of Dear Mistress!


Dear Mistress,

I’m a true believer in “love conquers all.” I’ve been sitting on this question for a while, worried that I’ll sound like the naive, hopeless romantic that I am, but I finally forced myself to woman up and push the send button on this and get my answer once and for all.

If two people are made for each other and experience love at first sight (here’s the twist) and then find out that they are actually both Dominants without any real Switch tendencies, can they find a way to make it work? Has there ever been such a thing as two Dominants in a relationship? I’ve wondered this a lot, and imagine their relationship would be very explosively hot, but I wasn’t sure if it was just me being that hopeless romantic again.

Thanks Mistress.

-Hopeless Romantic Who Didn’t Have The Balls To Ask You This Weeks Ago

Dear Mistress Dominant v Dominant Love

Dear Hopeless Romantic Who Didn’t Have The Balls To Ask You This Weeks Ago,

This is a tough one. Has there ever been such a thing? I suppose.

I think it would depend on their personalities in and out of their kink life, and if they are successful at separating the two. Some Dominants are more easy-going in their daily life, saving their hardcore domineering personalities to come out during sessions. Honestly, I think if it were to work for them, they would need to keep any kink activity separate and each have their own submissive. Two dominating personalities can certainly have explosive, hot sex, but I think that is where I would draw the line.

Ultimately, for a Dominant to have their needs fulfilled, there needs to be a power exchange, plain and simple. So which one will submit? Which one will bow down and kneel in front of the other? It’s impossible to say, but my goodness, I want a front row seat to witness that power struggle.

~~grabs popcorn and gets comfy~~

Recommended additional reading:

The Control Book by Peter Masters

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Dear Mistress,

Are there mental health professionals that specialize in treating people who belong to the BDSM community?

Dear Mistress Kinky Therapy


Dear Kinky Therapy,

Yes, there are. There is an online resource to find “kink friendly” therapists in your area. Another option is to talk to those in your local lifestyle community. They will most likely have suggestions for you.

Visit the online resource guide on Kink Friendly Therapy here. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom provides a guide on how to select a “kink aware” therapist which you can read in full here.

They define “kink aware” as follows:

A therapist who is kink aware recognizes BDSM play as a normal part of the sexual spectrum, and is able to distinguish healthy BDSM play from non-consensual abuse. Ideally, such a therapist has educated herself about BDSM, via books, articles, lectures, websites, and/or discussion groups. She is aware of what constitutes safe and unsafe play (acknowledging, of course, that different folks have different standards for that). She is aware of the types of roles and role expectations that are commonly encountered in the BDSM scene. She understands the stress that some clients may experience in keeping their BDSM lifestyle secret. She has also worked with a number of clients from the BDSM community, and is explicitly welcoming of such clients in her advertising materials. Finally, she is aware that for many kinky clients, BDSM might not have anything to do with the reason that the client is coming in for therapy. Often, BDSM is just another facet of the client’s life, like their vegetarianism or their hobby of knitting.NCSF, Keely Kolmes Psy.D. and Geri Weitzman Ph.D.

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Dear Mistress,

I have started to embrace my dominant side. I’ve been asked to humiliate someone. Besides just name calling and spanking type of things…do you have any good recommendations or examples of humiliation for men that stay in the bedroom? (Meaning I’m not taking him out in public).

Dear Mistress Shaming the Man

Dear Newbie Dominant,

Humiliation can be fun and really turns me on. It’s hard to say what you can do to him, simply because what each person finds humiliating varies.

  • It can be as simple as making him call you by a title – some people find that incredibly humiliating.
  • Tie a lead around his cock and parade him around the house.
  • Make him do all household activities naked, wearing only an apron.
  • Make him clean the kitchen floor on his hands and knees – naked and with a toothbrush.
  • Put your foot on his face and demand that he licks the soles of your shoes.
  • If you are a woman, make him wear your bra and panties and stuff the bra.
  • Make him jerk off while you cane his balls. When he cries, which he probably will, call him a sissy.
  • Role play with him where he is a schoolboy brat and has to drop his pants and stand in the corner. Paddle his ass with a wooden paddle.
  • Make him have to ask permission for all sexual activity – and occasionally don’t allow him to come after he is very close. Make him leave the house with blue balls.
  • Use a cock cage on him and control his orgasm.
  • You want hardcore humiliation? Make him come in a cup and drink it. Inspect his mouth.

Some of these may be perfectly normal behavior for some and not humiliating at all. Others will find them completely humiliating. It depends on what he reacts to. There is a fine line between humiliating and insulting your submissive. Using terms like “ugly,” “fat.” “useless,” and “dumb” can cross the line to abuse – be careful there. Bottom line – have fun with it. And I have plenty of other suggestions if these do not work for you.

Dom’s Guide To BDSM Vol. 1: 49 Must-Know Tips On How To Be The Perfect Dom/Master Your Submissive Will Truly Respect & Admire
The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance

NSFW Product Links:
Lead Them by the Cock Premium Penis Leash
Natural Rattan Cane
Hickory Spanking Paddle with Holes Handmade by Walt
Oneisall Chromed Plated 3 size Metal Male Chastity Device Belt Cock Cage

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

photo credit
I against I via photopin (license)

Dear Mistress: Satisfied But Worried, Can’t Think Of A Clever Name To Sign This With, Crop Curious

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Dear Mistress: Satisfied But Worried, Can’t Think Of A Clever Name To Sign This With, Crop Curious

Dear Mistress,

AbFab Whip

via BBC

My boyfriend and I have started to dabble in some BDSM play over the last few months, and for the most part I really enjoy his dominance, but there are times I’m afraid he doesn’t know what he is doing and that something is going to go wrong. Do you have any suggestions on things we can do to become more educated before something bad happens?

Dear Satisfied But Worried,

Congratulations on starting to explore this exciting world! So many people enter into this lifestyle full throttle, jumping in with both feet. While that is very enticing because there is so much to explore, it’s not the smartest idea. There is just so much to learn.

Our Motto is Safe – Sane – Consensual

You are absolutely right to be worried. So many things can go wrong! Suddenly, without warning, you can find yourself bleeding from an implement that was used incorrectly, wax that was too hot, loss of feeling in your nipples from clamps that were left on for too long, and so on. Any of those are possible, plus another gazillion scenarios that haven’t crossed your mind.

EDUCATION IS KEY. I honestly can’t stress that enough. I see so many people dive right in – it’s foolish. I would suggest the two of you join in your local community and attend workshops and events that are meant to educate. Visit your local adult store and look for flyers or ask the staff for and local BDSM meetings. I would also join FetLife and search for education events in your area. Honestly, you can never be too educated. I never stop learning and for good reason. In the meantime, I will give you some educational reading so you can start to explore safely.

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Dear Mistress,

In Fifty Shades Of Grey, Christian said to Ana that he could tell she was a natural born submissive upon first laying eyes on her. Is it true that someone in the lifestyle can pick out another person in the lifestyle just by looking at them and observing their mannerisms?
– Can’t Think Of A Clever Name To Sign This With

Dear Can’t Think Of A Clever Name To Sign This With,

Jamie Dornan Whip

source unknown

It is absolutely true. It might be difficult to pick up at first, but once you practice and know what to look for, it becomes much easier. Being able to tell if someone likes to get their kink on is one thing (and really fun to figure out!), but determining if someone is a natural submissive or a natural Dominant is completely different and based on nonverbal communication. Everyone gives off clues as to their personality and if they are passive or aggressive. But, even if a person is not involved in the lifestyle, it’s still possible to tell on which side of the fence they would fall. So, now that you’re armed with this information – will you be scoping everyone out?

[Disclaimer: This does not apply to the control freak, uber dominant, mega aggressive person who uses BDSM and submits to a Dominant to calm their mind and forget the world they rule over on a daily basis. That is an entirely different beast.]

Nonverbal Submissive Clues

  • Quiet, reserved, or soft-spoken
  • Lowers head to appear to hand over control, chin down
  • Agreeable personality, preferring others to take the lead whenever possible
  • Slightly caved stance, does not stand tall, crosses arms over their chest
  • Minimal eye contact; if eye contact is unavoidable, the look is somewhat doe-eyed
  • Does not prefer all eyes on them, shies away from being the center of attention
  • Smiling with closed lips and downcast eyes
  • Nervous laughter or nodding during conversations
  • Instinctively turns their body toward those who give off the leader vibe
  • Devoted attention to those she/he feels drawn to

Nonverbal Dominant Clues

  • Tends to speak first in crowds
  • No issue being direct or speaking out
  • Enjoys making eye contact when speaking
  • Appears to study your face intently when speaking to you
  • Does not blink as much as a submissive personality
  • Walks tall, shoulders back, confident stride
  • Stands with shoulders straight, chin up, leaning back, almost in a “hit me if you dare” stance; this includes hands on the hips
  • Reads emotions in people, wants to know what makes them tick
  • Serious, intent nature
  • Natural observer of situations and people

Mastering the Body Language: How to Read People’s Mind with Nonverbal Communication

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Dear Mistress,

BD Crop and Shoes

source unknown

I’m crop-curious…
A) What’s the pain like with a riding crop?
B) Do you have any recommendations or favorite crops?
C) Is it possible to get permanent marks from it?

Dear Crop Curious,

I love the feel of a crop. I love it from both sides.

A) I love handling one; it’s a very controlled tool, in my opinion. The bend and resistance changes based on the exact crop and the material and length of the rod. As for the pain it delivers, it can be soft or brutal. It’s a solid strike with a thuddy sting, not quite as a sharp as a flicker (my fucking favorite), but not quite as flat/blunt as a leather slapper.

B) Always.

C) Honestly, nearly anything can leave a permanent mark if you are striking repeatedly with enough force, if you break skin, or if the skin is thin.

So, let me guess – you want to try one now, right? Lucky for you, I have suggestions. Here are my favorites…

Happy slapping!

CROPS

FLICKER

Dressage Whip

SLAPPER

12″ Slapper with Holes

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: Adventurous Neophyte, Title Curious, Vanilla Bean, Disrespected

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Dear Mistress: Adventurous Neophyte, Title Curious, Vanilla Bean, Disrespected

Dear Mistress

Angelica Kauffmann - Portrait of a Woman Dressed as Vestal Virgin - WGA12101So, I never had a boyfriend in person (only online) so that pretty much means I haven’t done the “deed” yet. I joined FetLife to look around and learn more, and this girl I chatted with is looking for another “baby girl” for her Dom. They are in a relationship. I exchanged messages with both of them and they are interested in me joining them.

My problem is I’m a very jealous person. I told this to him and he said that me and her will be treated equally. If I do accept their offer, he would like to get to know more about me so he can decide which collar he’ll give me.

They are not rushing me at all. I’m glad about that because I don’t want to make a decision without thinking everything through. I’m interested, but I know it won’t end well for me. I think I’ll always feel second. I know I should decline, but I don’t get what’s stopping me. Even if I do decline, I’d still meet her and maybe we’ll be better off as friends. Any advice will be much appreciated.

Dear Adventurous Neophyte,

First, let me say that I commend you for searching for what you want and being brave enough to ask for advice. Second, taking that huge step should be done on your terms and when you feel completely comfortable. If you are a jealous person, that type of dynamic will do way more harm than good. If you can be friends with them WITHOUT OBLIGATION, I would suggest that instead. That will allow you to learn more about the lifestyle so you can decide what is best for you.

Jumping into the BDSM world can seem really fun and exciting because it’s new and everything is amplified. It’s a lifestyle that is filled with pushing limits and sensation, but what a lot of folks don’t understand is the commitments are even more intense than that of a traditional marriage. Accepting a collar so quickly is a HUGE red flag for me – a big no-no in my book – and something that I’m strongly against for someone who is just starting to explore. You need to find out which dynamic appeals to you the most and will fulfill you.

My advice is to do your homework. Go to munches. Meet lots of folks. The right dynamic for you will become evident in time. More importantly, give the gift of your virginity (not only your submission, if that is what you decide you want) to someone who earns it and will be focused on you 100%. You only get to do that once. I’m always here if you want to talk.

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Dear Mistress, 

How do you know when a Dom is a true Dom? Do they just come out and tell you? Or is there a proper way of telling someone?

Dear Title Curious,  
I would hope that the person you are speaking with would be honest with you. Normally, a true Dominant’s personality will give it away 9 times out of 10 – at least that has been the case with my experience. If you are referring to their role in the lifestyle, you can ask questions that will help you learn their history or what they are into.Hello My Name is Mistress

If you are looking to interview new potential Dominants, I would ask for a history and also references from friends, other Dominants, past submissives, and also anyone they have mentored. Because there are so many frauds these days and people who assume the title without earning the title, I completely understand your concern. This is your safety that is being put on the line, so don’t be afraid to ask for references.

As for a “proper” way to tell someone, that depends on the situation. If it is just casual conversation, I would think that once you are comfortable enough with someone, it should feel very natural to tell them what you are. If it doesn’t, they probably don’t need to know. If you are active in the BDSM community and attend munches, chances are someone’s role/title will be included when you are introduced to them. We tend to like to make our roles known in the beginning. It is not uncommon to meet someone and hear, “This is John. He is the Master of so-and-so…,” that way you know right away who belongs to Master John, which also serves as a warning not to approach John’s slave/submissive.

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Dear Mistress, 

I am what you would call a newbie – or vanilla – to this lifestyle. It excites me to read about the lifestyle and to follow people who are part of this lifestyle, however I have no clue where to begin to become part of this lifestyle. I do not have a partner at this time and have not for a while, but I do know that I want more than what I have had in the past. What and where would you suggest a vanilla person start?

VanillaDear Vanilla Bean,

I think it’s wonderful that you are going through a period of self-discovery. If you can figure out what you DO want, that is half the battle. As I have discussed in the past, it is best to jump into the lifestyle by meeting and talking with people in your local community.

Get started by joining an online community such as FetLife and search for your local events. You can attend munches in your area, which are casual get-togethers in a vanilla setting. They are no-pressure, friendly events that will allow you to meet others in your local community. You can even message the organizer ahead of time so they know you are new and can fill you in on what to expect. Don’t be afraid to do this. Generally, people in the BDSM community are very welcoming and they want you to feel comfortable.

You can also visit your local kink/fetish/sex shops. You will usually see fliers posted for local events. That is another great way to get information in advance.

If you are uneasy with any of the above, please let me know and I can talk to you personally or put you in touch with others who have just ventured into the lifestyle by using the same means – and have had great success.

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Dear Mistress, 

My Sub keeps hinting that she wants more dominance, however she has a hard time being the Sub that she thinks she is.

For example, I have to travel for my job and be gone for a week or two at a time. When talking to her on the phone I told her she did not tell me she loved me when had a brief conversation earlier. I know she does, but I like to hear it. When I questioned her about it on the follow up phone call after her evening had settled down, she got a snappy attitude with me. When I let her know that tone is not ok, she threatened to hang up on me. We’ve been married 10 years and have children together so it isn’t an option to get a new Sub. Correct me if I am wrong but I am pretty sure that is not how any of this works.

Dear Disrespected,

You are 100% correct. That is not how it works. My first observation: it’s “submissive” with a lowercase “s.”

If she wants more dominance from you, she needs to understand that her actions have consequences, especially if she is not respecting the dominance you are displaying already. If both of you have a clear understanding of what is and isn’t allowed, there should be no question. My personal motto:

A submissive is only as strong as the Dominant empowers them to be. 

My second observation of the situation is that she does not respect you in that role. If she did, she would want to please you. Ultimately, a good submissive wants to please her Dominant more than anything. That is clearly not the case here. So, you either need to have a serious sit-down to discuss her attitude, or step it up on your end by punishing infractions appropriately, which will make it very clear to her that her behavior is unacceptable and that brats will not be tolerated. Or (and this is a real possibility) she needs to admit that this dynamic is not for her. It might not be. She might not be a natural submissive and you might not be a natural Dominant. I would hate to see you jeopardize your marriage if the dynamic is truly not for you.

If you need to speak to me about appropriate punishments, please contact me. I will be happy to do so.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: Violated, Charbroiled, Toyless

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Dear Mistress: Violated, Charbroiled, Toyless


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Dear Mistress,

I am not really sure why I’m writing to you, since this clearly is not a matter of BDSM. Maybe because you know the importance of trust.

I always had difficulties trusting men. That had resulted in me being 23-years-old with no experience whatsoever until my boyfriend came along. He bypassed all my issues and we’ve been together for three years now. I can’t say we have the perfect relationship, because problems do come from time to time, but we work through them. He takes care of me, and even if he is hesitant to say so, he loves me. I love him, too.

black-and-white-person-woman-girl 600 CC

But last night, everything crashed. We were having sex, and he had his finger in my ass. I had told him before that I didn’t want to do anal without the right preparation, because I was afraid. I had read your answer describing the right way and I wanted to really be ready before going there. Unfortunately, my boyfriend apparently forgot what I had told him, and he wanted to try.

Needless to say, I was in pain. What hurt me the most, and it’s the reason why I am writing to you, is the fact that I told him to stop and he didn’t. He went on.

Afterwards, I told him what I was feeling, that it’s a matter of trust for me, and that he violated my trust. Ever since, he is doing his best to show me his remorse, even going out of his way in order to do so. But still, I am shattered. I don’t know what to do.

He has shown in the past that he can adapt to things that bother me or I find bad for our relationship. As do I. We are constantly battling for our relationship, but I thought we had bitten all the trust issues. Right now, I need his actions to tell me that he has regretted, but I also need someone to tell me if such a violation of trust can be amended.

LED_Traffic_Light CCDear Violated,

First, I am so sorry this happened to you. Second, no one can tell you if that trust can be restored. To put it bluntly, you were violated. The person you have worked so hard to build a trusting relationship with abused your trust. Deciding to trust him again is solely up to you. Yes, it’s great that he is remorseful, but how do you know he will honor your wishes in the future? You don’t.

The only thing that I can suggest, and this is only if you want to invest more time and effort into rebuilding the trust, is to demand a safeword system be used. We have discussed it here before, but basically you will use a Green-Yellow-Red safeword system that will allow you to communicate your comfort level with the activity that is taking place.

GREEN” means that everything is fine.
YELLOW” indicates that he should tread carefully because you are feeling slightly uneasy.
RED” demands that all activity stop immediately.

He will need to agree to this plan, and you will need to give him a chance to make good on his word. I wish I had better advice, but this is up to you. Thank you for reaching out to me, and I hope that you will be able to move forward.

Read more about the Green-Yellow-Red system here.

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Dear Mistress,

I’ve been given 36 hours to “ponder” whether I still want to see my Master. We’ve been playing for about six months. We are both married to other people, but I feel like I am getting seriously emotionally attached. While he is just looking for an opportunity to use his Dom tendencies, I’m looking for fulfillment. How close to the fire can I get without getting burned? He is the only man who has earned my submission (apparently I am a switch).

Dear Charbroiled,

Unfortunately, it sounds like you are already burnt to a crisp. Getting emotionally attached to your Dominant is very common, and sadly, if your Dominant is only looking to play, you will get hurt. This type of dynamic is so much more intense than a vanilla relationship. A lot of people really can’t grasp why that is, but you bare so much of yourself, and the level of trust that is needed is beyond that of a normal relationship. Handing yourself over is not easy, and it opens the door to an emotional attachment that is very strong.

In your case, if you are already asking how close you can get, you already have feelings for him. I would talk to him and be honest before it gets out of hand. You might have to deal with feelings of jealousy if he plays with anyone else. If he makes it clear this is only about play for him, and you allow yourself to get even more attached, the feeling of loss and abandonment you will feel will be extreme. That is Sub Drop of the worst possible kind. I certainly don’t want that for you.

Be honest with him. Be honest with yourself. And love yourself enough to know that you want and deserve more if he is only looking for a play partner. The time to have that discussion was yesterday. Please let me know how you make out.

[products ids=”21030,20619″]

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Dear Mistress,

Where do you recommend buying “toys” etc. Any specific website or store?

Dear Toyless,

Of course I have my favorites. You didn’t specify which type of toys you are looking for, so I’ll give you a few options, because that’s what I want to do.

Ipo is a cute little finger vibe with powerful and near-silent motor and 12 vibe patterns and multiple speeds made with body-safe, FDA approved silicone.The fully-waterproof and rechargeable egg massager features an industry-first SenseMotion remote control, a 3X greater wireless range and a 50% stronger motor.The Life by Leaf is an ergonomic easy to hold vibrator for outer stimulation, rechargeable, silicone and multispeed.Waterproof plastic mini bullet with LED light, chrome finish and 7 speed vibration.The E-sensual bullet is a powerful vibrator that is powered by your computer.

Waterproof vibrating mini bullet with LED indicating light and 7 vibration patterns.These soft and sexy handcuffs feature a black fuzzy cover that lets you stay comfortable while you play naughty!Two luxury blindfolds, one silver and one black, ideal for couples who want to introduce light bondage play and excitement to the bedroom.

  • Maybe you’re a discerning shopper – looking for the highest quality and toys that are almost works of art? Tantus has you covered. Superb craftsmanship and streamlined toys that will make anyone’s legs shake in appreciation.

Is that enough for you? I say it is.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Candle-light-animated” by AndrikkosOwn work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

Dear Mistress: Updates!

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Dear Mistress: Updates!

Dear Faithful Followers,

Last week I asked for feedback from some of you who were seeking guidance or suggestions. Holy shit – did you guys deliver?! I am thrilled to know that some of you have either tried some of the products that I have recommended or felt empowered enough to jump into the unknown. I feel like a proud mama bird watching her fledglings balancing on the edge of the nest with shaky little legs – finally brave enough to take a leap and find their kinky wings.

Thank you for trusting me and for allowing me to give you little nudges of encouragement. Please continue to share your stories. We can all help and inspire others.

With gratitude,

Dear Mistress

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From Dear Mistress on May 29th

Click to read the original question and answer

<<<UPDATE>>>

Dear Mistress,

It has been an interesting few weeks! Have you ever wanted to do something just for yourself? After discussing my situation with you (Mistress) a little more in-depth, and working together to set up my online kink profile, I went to my first newcomer’s meeting and munch. They were the first things I had done for myself in YEARS.

I was nervous, anxious, excited. I had no idea what to expect. I mean, what does vanilla really mean? I had you cheering me along and giving me tips, and I walked in to a group of people who were genuinely glad to see me.

My community sponsors a newcomer’s meeting before their munch where they talk about the munches, special interest groups, classes, parties, and expectations. We also discussed rules for party nights, what kind of playing you may see, what is acceptable to wear or not wear. They made me feel so welcome.

Then came my first munch! It was a setup for the party that weekend. Everyone came in and introduced themselves. There was a lot of hugging; we were warned in the newcomer’s meeting that my community is a “huggy” bunch.

It was a blast. My community isn’t afraid to ask questions or answer them. My boobs were complimented more than once! Not in an uncomfortable way, but I felt like a sex goddess by the time I left. I have been able to build friendships with several people I met at the munch. They message to check on my day and to let me know what is going on. I have NEVER felt support like this.

I get to munch again this weekend. It will be great to see everyone again and meet a few new people.

I have really gotten a lot out of FetLife. It has let me connect to several Dominants, both online and those I met in real life. It has been a good way to chat and not give out personal information. The Dominants that I have met have been very understanding of my sticky personal situation. They have taken time to get to know what I am looking for. A few have asked me some very difficult questions that I hadn’t even thought about. It has actually been very helpful in my real life.

I didn’t realize exactly how much I missed myself. My identify isn’t dependent on someone else. That is an amazing feeling. There is one that has taken the time to get to know me. He has taken time to understand my needs and even though he has never touched me, he has made me cum in ways that I didn’t think possible. I have never felt so alive!

I’m still very new, and still have a lot to learn, but I can’t stress enough how much you have helped me when I was confused, or had questions I thought might be stupid. I also can’t stress enough how wonderful it is to do something for ME. The confidence I have gained from my experience so far is awesome. I can’t wait to attend a few classes and get more involved. So I’ll continue to keep you in the loop.

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From Dear Mistress on May 1st

Click to read the original question and answer

<<<UPDATE>>>

Dear Mistress,

I wanted to thank you for your recommendation of the threesome massage oil candles. They were incredible! Not only did they provide romantic ambiance, but scented the air as well, adding to the overall scene I was trying to set. But that’s not even the best part.

When it melted, the oil was the perfect temperature for pouring onto bare skin, just enough heat to get the blood pumping. The massage lasted quite long, with plenty of oil to cover all the areas that interested me. Finally, the BEST part…

The hell, yes, I’m licking it off part! I was surprised by the great taste of all three flavors. I was expecting it to have a chapstick-like taste, but it was pleasant and smooth tasting. Thank you again for the guidance. I look forward to discovering more fun products!

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From Dear Mistress on January 23rd

Click to read the original question and answer

>>>UPDATE<<<

Dear Mistress,

It seems like forever ago since I walked into my first munch. I remember being so nervous. I remember PM’ing you from my car for that last minute push of confidence.

I made a deal with myself as I walked in the door that I would introduce myself to the first ten people, and then I would find a place to sit and strike up a conversation. My plan was to arrive on time as I figured I would be one of the first people there so I could make my introductions as they walked into and get to a seat.

First munch … I met so many people!!!! Once I introduced myself to the first few people, it took off from there and soon I was being introduced as new people came into the meeting room.

Since that first munch, I have been to several different munches in my area. I have learned that each munch has a different vibe even if some of the same people overlap. I have also attended a class that the community has offered on the BDSM lifestyle protocols.

So, I have cleared the ‘vetting’ processing and am now able to attend the in-home month demo on ropes! One point that is important to make, at no point has anyone pressured me to participate in any activity. What a relief! I have been asked if I was interested, and when I explained I was only exploring at this point, it was respected.

Presently, I am not seeking a play partner, and that has been very cool with everyone that I have come in contact with in my area. There is a lot going on in my local community. I have made some new friends and am looking forward to attending my first play party (as an observer). It all started with me taking the first step and attending my first munch!

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: Future Fisting Fanatic, Humiliated, Clit-Curious

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Dear Mistress: Future Fisting Fanatic, Humiliated, Clit-Curious

Dear Mistress,
My husband and I have been exploring him fisting me. I find the feeling is more intense and completely different than a regular orgasm, but I want to make sure this is safe. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Future Fisting Fanatic,
Oh, you are not alone. A lot of women (and men) love the idea of fisting. It can be safe, but you need to take precautions. I am speaking solely about vajayjay fisting — not anal fisting (that’s a topic for another day).

We all know it’s true that a very large percentage of women can’t reach orgasm through vaginal penetration alone, but have you ever wondered why? The vagina does not have a ton of nerve-endings that allow us to feel as much as we would like.

What the magical vagina does in fact have is several pressure receptors, which is why some women love the feeling of being “full.” That fullness presses on those pressure receptors and tah-dahhh…it feels GOOD.

How does this relate to shoving your hand up someone’s hoo-hah? Well, make a fist. Look at it. It’s pretty big, right? Now look at your knuckles. You have a built-in, nubby dildo attached to your body.

Let’s be real; you can’t just go shoving your fist into someone’s lady parts. You need to prep – both of you!

1) Lube. Buy it.
2) TRIM YOUR NAILS.
3) You need to get your partner really turned on. Use a vibrator, put your oral skills to the test, get her revved up.
4) When she is feeling amazing, have her take over. She’ll want to concentrate on her clit with her hand or a toy. She’s also going to be turned on just by watching you.
5) Start with one finger. Use that finger to stretch her. Add another finger. Stretch. Add another and so on.
6) Lube. When you have made a cylinder shape with four fingers, and you can easily insert those four, it’s time to move on.
7) Again, lube. And lots of it. Apply it to her. Apply it to your hand – all the way up past your wrist (go big or go home).
8) You are ready to try your hand at fisting. Tuck your pointer finger and your ring finger slightly over your middle finger. It should make a pyramid shape with your middle finger knuckle raised. Next, try to tuck your pinky and your thumb as tightly as you can. Practice. Get your hand as tight and as small as possible.
*If this method does not work for you, you can also try tucking all of your fingers in with your pointer finger at the highest point. Tuck your thumb under your pointer. You will make a shape similar to an arrowhead.
9) Enter, knuckles first. Take your time! You’re not blasting through a wall like that creepy Kool-aid man; you need to go slowly. Twist your hand slightly and be patient. She will open up for you.
10) When you feel her open for you, go in a little more. Again, SLOWLY. Getting all knuckles in is cause for celebration.
11) Once all knuckles are in, use tiny movements. Make little circles with your hand, move it back and forth, gently in and out. You’ll feel how she responds. Watch what makes her feel good.
12) If you feel brave (and I mean, you’re already brave for sticking your hand up there), try to skim your middle finger knuckle across her cervix.
13) GIVE YOURSELF A GOLD STAR!

There you have it. So who wants to go first?

 

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Dear Mistress,
I am having a hard time understanding why a Dominant get off on humiliation? Is it just a control thing?

Dear Humiliated,
Humiliation is a huge part of BDSM. Not everyone is into it. Some things you may not even consider to be humiliating, are in fact, just that. Let’s take spanking for instance. A lot of people find it erotic or exciting. However, the act of treating someone in a petulant manner by putting them over your knee and exposing their bottom is a form of humiliation.

Personally, I get off on it. I want to see someone squirm. I want to see someone in an uncomfortable position. I want to see them on all fours, crawling to me like an animal. Why do I get off on it? Because I want to see the lengths that my submissive would go to just to please me. It is absolutely a control thing.

The beauty of it is that you get to see your submissive at your mercy. In doing so, they become stronger. They try to please you, and in doing so, they sometimes put themselves into situations that forces them to overcome fears or insecurities. So you see, not all humiliation is negative. In fact, it can be very empowering for the submissive. Ultimately, your goal as a Dominant should be to make your submissive stronger.

Now drop your drawers.

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Dear Mistress,
What’s the best clit toy out there?

Dear Clit-Curious,
Let’s just get right to it. I like these…and how do I know? Because I’ve used them. You know you want one.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: Coconuts, Triple Player, Lifestyle Curious

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Dear Mistress: Coconuts, Triple Player, Lifestyle Curious

Dear Mistress,
My question today is about coconut oil. I know that latex condoms are not to be used alongside oils, but have read some people feel this does not apply to coconut oil. So my question is how do you feel about coconut oil mixed with latex? Also, how about just coconut oil as a stand-alone lube?

Dầu dừaDear Coconuts,
Just like apple cider vinegar, coconut oil seems to be the answer for everything these days. It’s a super, long-lasting lubricant, massage oil, hair moisturizer, and has even been shown to have anti-fungal properties that can help keep yeast infections at a distance. However, I have read that it should NOT be used with latex since it can break it down. Some people still use it with latex toys and condoms. Me? I would rather protect my investments and err on the side of caution.

If you want to give it a try, just be sure to select a coconut oil that is all natural without any added ingredients or preservatives. There is always a chance you or your partner could be allergic to it, so be sure to test it on your arms or legs before getting busy…because ouch.

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Dear Mistress,
What toy would you suggest that penetrates the vagina as well as stimulates the clit and anus? Does such a thing even exist?

Dear Triple Player,
Aren’t you just a greedy go-getter. There’s a word for you and I think it’s “overachiever.” I KID.

shockerAre you surprised that such a toy does in fact exist? Not just one — MANY. Who doesn’t want a toy called “The Stinger?” You know you’re curious.

I’m including a bunch to pick from because no two masturbators are alike…or is that snowflakes? Whatever. Happy triple diddling!

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Dear Mistress,
Does a couple involved in the BDSM lifestyle always engage in kinky sex, or are there some times where it’s vanilla and calm?

Dear Lifestyle Curious,
Let me start by saying that just because a couple is into BDSM, it does not necessarily mean it includes anything sexual. BDSM is not about sex. Can it be? Yes, only if you want it to be.

Sex, before anything else, is about emotions and communication. You have different moods, wants, and needs on any given day. Maybe you want to communicate your emotions with a hard slap on the ass…maybe you want to communicate with a warm hug. Just because someone loves kink does not mean they don’t enjoy some vanilla sex. It might not give them the same reaction and endorphin release that they get from being caned, but variety is the spice of life. Vanilla sex is awesome in its own right.

Think of it this way; sometimes you walk up to the ice cream shop counter and you feel like having a banana split because you want that sundae to rock your world seven ways to eternity. Other times you walk in and just want the warm comfort of a hot, delicious Belgian waffle, stuffed with vanilla ice cream and sprinkled with powdered sugar. Does that mean that waffle is any less satisfying or delicious? Nope. It’s just what you needed at that time (especially if you have fucking cramps).

Now I want a banana split AND a Belgian waffle stuffed with ice cream. Maybe I should just take a Midol and call it a day.

These are things that would make me feel better (and yes, in this order — I’m bitchy):

Give the gift of Treatsie artisan sweets!

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Don’t Forget! The Best of Dear Mistress $100 giveaway is still open!

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}[/box_light]

Best Of Dear Mistress: She Rewards What Pleases Her

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Best Of Dear Mistress: She Rewards What Pleases Her

We’re closing in on 100 submitted Dear Mistress questions, which if you’re keeping track, is 100 kinky thoughts by many of you. I’m doing some fuzzy math here, and considering all of the thoughts that swirl around in your minds that don’t even make it out of your fingers and into a submitted question, that’s approximately eleventy-million kinkster fantasies you’re having.

Dear Mistress is SO proud of your openness to receive her advice, she’s personally offering a giveaway to the person who submits the 100th question!

»pauses for slow-clap«

You brave, kinky readers are brave enough to open yourselves up to hearing from our experienced Dominant on how to be your best kinky self. We’re not telling you exactly how many questions she has in her black box, but we’ll tell you when the 100th is submitted.  So submit as many legitimate questions as your little kinky heart desires.  Multiple questions get you multiple entries, and you know how much we like multiples.

And that special 100th question asker will win $100 worth of any and all toys, books, fun stuff you want from Amazon you choose!

Have your eye on a LELO Ina 2? It’s yours!
Want a new, sexy lingerie set? Hooray for you!
Do you need to add to your smut book collection? YOU’RE THE WINNER!

See how to enter the big giveaway at the end of this post.

Our motto around her is Be Shameless, and with the amount of questions she’s received so far, we can tell that you guys are no shrinking violets.

You’re more like Violet Beauregarde; you want your kink and you want it NOW.

Dear Mistress gathered together 5 of her favorite questions and answers. I’ve highlighted some key points in each and am including them here. You can see the full questions and answers by clicking on the links to their posts.

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Dear Unknown

Dear Mistress,
How do you know you are a submissive or dominant? Would you recommend sites like FetLife to explore the unknown?

Dear Unknown,
I speak for myself when I say that being a Dominant and having a dominant personality is a part of every thread of my being. There was never any question. The tough part for me is realizing that not everyone has it so easy. So my thought is this; if you are not actively in, or are interested in the BDSM lifestyle, you don’t really need a label.  You may just be a person who just likes occasional aggressive sex sans labels. Sometimes you like to take control and other times you don’t.

That is perfectly OK.

It’s such a personal, intimate question that I can’t tell you how you know. You need to look inside to determine what satisfies you. I found this quiz that might help you: The BDSM Selector

read the entire Q&A here

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Dear Aroused

Dear Mistress,
Pain. Why does my body react to it so hotly? In the heat of the moment sometimes I can’t even feel the pain happening. I just know it feels amazing. Why is that?

Dear Aroused,
In the BDSM world, pain is usually delivered gradually. This gradual ascension causes endorphins to be released in your body; that rush of endorphins can cause you to experience a state of floaty bliss along with heightened sexual arousal. In some cases, you don’t even feel the sensation as pain any longer. Your brain is a magical machine. Granted, everyone is different. Each person reacts differently to different sensations.

As long as you are with a partner you trust, it’s all good. Let the spankings commence!

read the entire Q&A here

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Dear Exposed

Dear Mistress,
I have a question about my Master and the things he orders me to do/not to do as part of our relationship. I can’t tell if it’s disrespectful, or just meant as humiliation, but it’s a bit public (sort of), or could be.

I want to renegotiate parts of the checklist, but am not sure how to pose it so that it doesn’t just look like I’m picking and choosing what parts of the M/s dynamic I want to follow. What should I do?

Dear Exposed,
One of the most difficult aspects of the M/s dynamic is not the unquestionable devotion that is required, but rather it’s the testing and pushing. Your Master is testing you; he is pushing you to see how far you will go for him. I am sure this is pleasing to him. Seeing you struggle with the rules gives him satisfaction because it determines the lengths you will go to please him.

This does not mean that you do not get a say. Pleasing him should make you happy. When it reaches a point where you are compromising your comfort level and it becomes a public display, it’s time to renegotiate.

read the entire Q&A here

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Dear More…Me

Dear Mistress,
Is it possible to gain confidence from submitting? I only ask because that is what has been happening to me. In the short time I have been in this relationship, I feel more secure and confident then I have in a long time. More… Me. Is this normal?

Dear More…Me,
What you are experiencing is the result of what happens when you step out of your comfort zone and find your true self. It is a beautiful realization when you come to discover that your insecurities no longer define you. Why would you want them to? You become a slave to your insecurities.

An experienced Dominant will want you to be the best possible version of yourself. They want you to be comfortable in your own skin. Submitting is not for the weak. A good Dominant will recognize your insecurities and take the necessary steps to help you move beyond them. They would want you to be strong enough to handle the emotions that come with the dynamic.

read the entire Q&A here

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Dear Baby Domme

Dear Mistress,
I think I’m kind of just getting to understand what my boyfriend wants. He likes the being told what to do. I don’t see either of us getting our kink on, but since I have a submissive personality, it makes me worry about all sorts of stuff. Will he judge me? Will he think I’m a bitch?

Dear Baby Domme,
The biggest thing is confidence. OWN IT. Confidence is SEXY. You have to remember — he wants this. So you are already in a good position.

Decide on a safeword (both of you). Safewords are not just for pain; they are used to stop all activity if it becomes necessary. There is no shame or embarrassment in needing to stop. You think there is no kink here, but ohhhhhh think about it. The kink side to this is that you are controlling all activity and his orgasm. That’s kinky and sensual at the same time.

read the entire Q&A here

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Giveaway

To enter the $100 Amazon shopping spree giveaway from Dear Mistress, you must submit a valid question to Dear Mistress here. It is a completely anonymous process, so to keep the anonymity, we ask that you include a secret word of your choosing with your question.

Once we’ve receive the 100th question, we’ll ask readers to verify the secret word so we can match the winner to her answer. Keep an eye out in the newsletter and on Facebook for the announcement and call for verification. The winner will have just 72 hours to claim the prize!

Again, this is an anonymous process, unless you are the winner. We only know the identity of the winning question asker in order to award the prize.

In addition to the valid submitted 100th question, the winner must be a Facebook fan of SBC as well as subscribe to the Shameless Book Sales newsletter.

open internationally; value up to $100USD

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}[/box_light]

Dear Mistress: Tied in Knots, Panicked, DP

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Dear Mistress: Tied in Knots, Panicked, DP

Dear Mistress,
Rope play seems to be the “in thing.” I’ve heard two terms though: one is Shibari and the other is Kinbaku. What is the difference?

Dear Tied in Knots,
Rope play is getting a lot of exposure lately; it’s so beautiful. The Japanese have quite a way with expression, deep meanings, and symbolism. There is a good amount of confusion between the two. As I have always understood it, Shibari is simply the physical act of tying and using rope as bondage, whereas the art of Kinbaku is an expression or communication of feelings by using rope as a medium. Does that make sense? If you ever have the chance to watch a rope master at work, do so. Check with your local kink/fetish stores and clubs. You can usually find demonstrations and they are certainly worth your time.

For a better understanding, let’s consult with one of the rope masters:

Osada Steve Sensei 長田スティーブ:

Shibari merely describes the technical and aesthetic aspects of a traditional Japanese tie. These are the ‘hollow’ techniques that could theoretically be applied to a life-sized doll. Since the idea of Japanese-style bondage is to achieve an emotional exchange between two people through tying, there are techniques to support such an exchange, and it then is called Kinbaku.

Further reading:
The Beauty of Kinbaku
The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage

Rope and implements:
Rope
Bondage Ring

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Dear Mistress,
Ben-Wa Balls: pros and cons to using the loose ones versus the ones with the connected cord? Also size and weight, metal versus silicon. I would love to try them but I am 100% nervous they will get stuck, and I will be going to the hospital to have them removed. But with the ones with the connected cord, I feel you may not get the same experience.

Dear Panicked,
Ben-Wa balls have been around for, well, a long time – like since 500 A.D. — but I can’t say how many women (or men) have been sent to the ER. I can understand your fear, I really can. Having been a long time user myself, I will say that they work. Everyone seems to have a different experience with them, just like no two people experience anything in the same way. For me, they keep me strong and tight. Can I climax with them in? Nope. However, wearing them for an extended period of time will give me a delicious ache. They make taking the stairs a new experience!

Different strokes for different folks. You can get them in glass, stainless steel, chrome, silicone, etc. You can alter the temperature of the glass, stainless, and chrome, so that’s fun. I no longer use the connector cord, but I would suggest it for a beginner. I would also suggest selecting a silicone pair, at least 1” in diameter. No one wants to deal with an accidental ball rolling down your pant leg and onto the floor. The connector cord will help when you start out, and your body will adjust to them. Go about your day, do your normal routine, and your body will be clenching to hold them in. Once you feel you can function with the larger size, try them without the cord. When you can spread your knees and squat to the floor without them falling out, YOU ARE A MASTER. By the way, that is the most effective way to remove them without the cord. Spread, squat, push. Taa-dah! Out come your balls.

Once you have the squat mastered, go down to a smaller size, or try the heavier stainless or chrome sets.

Sexy suggestions for Ben-Wa ball play:

  1. Put them in the freezer before inserting them.
  2. Have your partner insert them for you.
  3. Give yourself an orgasm and then insert them immediately after. This will help to carry that pleasurable feeling with you for hours.
  4. Insert them and then use a vibrator. Touching the balls with the vibrator – HOLY. LORD.

LELO makes a great set that comes with two sizes, two different weights (with free-moving internal weights for added stimulation), and a cord. This is an excellent value and allows you the flexibility to change it up to get the sensation that you are happy with.

Ben-Wa balls:
Lelo Luna Pleasure Beads

1″ Beginner Ben Wa Balls for Kegel Exercises / Surgical Stainless Steel
Citrine Glass and Silicone Ben-Wa Balls
Spicy Union Silicone Ben Wa Balls – Orgasm Balls/Kegel Exercises

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Dear Mistress,
I need double penetration advice. If we were looking into a dildo for beginner’s double penetration, what would you recommend?

Dear DP,
Well, hello there. You made me perk up. What would I recommend? Hmmm. That depends on your anal experience. Have you dabbled in anal sex? Have you experienced the joys of the butt plug? If not, that is where you should begin. You will need three things: 1) Patience, 2) Relaxation, 3) LUBE.

Shocker HandI would suggest starting with a plug kit that will get you used to the sensation of feeling full. Very full. Start with the smallest plug and use it while being vaginally penetrated. Do you like it? Do you want more? Do you feel pleasure? If so, graduate to the next size. I cannot stress enough the importance of patience and LUBE. (See the capitals?? LUBE. Your anus produces no natural lubrication at all. You need to add lube and lots of it.)

Once you feel comfortable with the sensation of fullness, you can graduate to a dildo. Again, START SMALL. No one needs a horse cock coming straight for their ass (unless that’s what you’re used to, but that’s another topic for another day), sending them running for the hills. Start with a smaller, smooth option. They even make double penetration dildos now. And, you can select a desensitizing lube that will help you prep. Here is a nice selection of products for you to try:

Anal toys:
Pink Anal Plugs

Silk Silicone Dildos
Passion Anal Desensitizing Lube with Lidocaine
Vac-U-Lock Double Penetrator

Pleasure Mechanics Guide to Anal Play for Women: How to Enjoy Pleasurable, Painless Anal Stimulation

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}

Dear Mistress: Tessa Bailey, Explorer, Ms. Sure, Unknown

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Dear Mistress: Tessa Bailey, Explorer, Ms. Sure, Unknown

Dear Mistress,

I have a scene toward the middle of the book where my hero uses an “Egyptian flogger.” I did some research into various types of floggers and liked the way that one looked. Would you call it an Egyptian flogger if you were referring to it? I have it written as leather – and I wanted it to be relatively light, because it’s the heroine’s first time being flogged. Did I make a good choice? ~Tessa Bailey

Dear Tessa You Are Rocking My World With These Questions Bailey,

Absolutely! The Egyptian flogger is so elegant and beautiful. It has a longer handle (similar to a crop) with a shorter cluster of falls. They’re not as heavy, so they are easy to control. If you want it to be on the softer side (impact speaking), suede will give you a nice feel without being too harsh. Rubber would make her cry like a little girl. So, I would suggest leather or suede. The Egyptian flogger is luxurious, and not as severe. You can use it more for sensation, but still packs some ummf. I think it’s the perfect choice.

Crop Handled Flogger | Riding Crop Horse Whip | by Sade Fantasy

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Dear Mistress,

My husband and I have been exploring with D/s for about a year now. We have been doing so in our home. We would like to go to a club, however, I can’t seem to find one that is close to our town or is legitimate/decent or very restrictive. I have joined FetLife and it has not been all that helpful either. Any suggestions to help guide us?

Dear Explorer, 

I love hearing about people exploring this lifestyle. It makes me feel young again (sigh). Going to a club can be a really exciting experience, but I understand your hesitation and frustration in finding one. The truth is, a lot of really nice BDSM clubs are not advertised. My first suggestion would be to either join local groups on FetLife and attend a local Munch. You will be able to talk to others in the lifestyle and get personal recommendations on where to go. Be honest about the vibe you are looking for.

My second suggestion would be to visit your local kink/sex shop. You would be surprised what you can find there. This is how I did it old school. Local clubs and groups often leave brochures and flyers for BDSM events in your area. I would also talk to the shop employees. They know what’s up! Some of the kink stores hold events/demonstrations in back rooms, and that is the perfect way to meet others in the community. Don’t be shy.

There is a lot of secrecy in this lifestyle and it can be intimidating. However, I also know that once you find other folks with the same interests, they love to talk and share. We rarely get to!

Good luck and let me know how you make out. I’m always up for a new club.

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Dear Mistress,

I am attending my first Munch tomorrow. As you suggested, I am connecting the organizer to let them know that I am new. I had planned on using my real name as it is no longer online and I would like to get to know people. Is that correct thinking? -Alexandria Sure

Dear Ms. Sure, 

Being out of your element is so exciting, isn’t it? I love that you are being safe. Munches are pretty casual events, and most times name tags are provided. Using your real name or a nickname is entirely up to you. You need to do what you’re most comfortable with. I have seen people use either or both. There is NO shame in using a middle name or a nickname. If people get close to you, and you are comfortable with them, you can say “yeah, this is my nickname…my actual name is _____.” Honestly. It’s totally up to you. I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

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Dear Mistress,

I’m not sure if this is a simple question but something I always wondered about…how do you know you are a submissive or dominant? Would you recommend sites like FetLife to explore the unknown? Thanks!

Dear Unknown,

This seems like such a simple question, doesn’t it? This is, without a doubt, one of the hardest questions for me to answer because it’s such a personal question. I speak for myself when I say that being a Dominant and having a dominant personality is a part of every thread of my being. There was never any question. The tough part for me is realizing that not everyone has it so easy. So my thought is this; if you are not actively in, or are interested in the BDSM lifestyle, you don’t really need a label. You may just be a person who just likes occasional aggressive sex sans labels. Sometimes you like to take control and other times you don’t. That is perfectly ok.

The flip side is if you are involved in the lifestyle. In this case, I would ask yourself a few questions. How does it make you feel if someone demands you do something for them sexually? How does it make you feel when you think about handing yourself over to someone else’s control? How would you feel if you were bound and gagged, and trusting someone else with your pleasure and safety?

You can be an aggressive, dominant person in everyday life, but the thought of sexually handing yourself over to someone else turns you on or calms you. You can be a passive, timid person in daily life, but dominating someone else speaks to your soul. Listen to your heart and mind. What gives you satisfaction? Being on your knees at someone else’s mercy? Or standing over someone else, knowing the pleasure and pain they feel is in your control? Perhaps you prefer both?

It’s such a personal, intimate question that I can’t tell you how you know. You need to look inside to determine what satisfies you. I found this quiz that might help you.

Also, this book discusses developing your sexual self within the lifestyle.

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

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Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

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