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A Special Edition Of Dear Mistress

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A Special Edition Of Dear Mistress

It’s come to my attention that there are some false impressions – both from pop culture and in online discussions – on what it means to be in a BDSM relationship. I feel it is my responsibility to educate others about the BDSM lifestyle.

Below are some reminders on what it means to be in a BDSM relationship. I’ve used masculine pronouns to stand in for a Dominant and feminine pronouns for submissive throughout, though I’d like to make it clear that females can be Dominants and males can be submissives.

1) Your safety should never be compromised. NEVER. EVER.

2) Yes, it absolutely is 100% HIS fault if you feel unsafe – experiencing anxiety is no joke. Love yourself more.

credit GQ

3) JUST LIKE RESPECT, SUBMISSION IS EARNED. Ladies… no respectable and responsible Dominant would EVER risk your safety or withhold personal information if they want to earn your submission. Love yourself more.

4) Submission is a GIFT. Ladies, DO NOT hand yourselves over or agree to submit unless there is 100% trust on both sides. Respect yourself more. Love yourself more.

5) Just because someone says they are a Dominant does not mean that they are one. Trust me when I say this – we are not a dime a dozen. True Dominants are not common. There is not an abundance of Dominants. The amount of posers that I see is unbelievable. Guaranteed there are more people who are true submissives than there are true Dominants; I’m talking about the ones who are responsible and capable of handling the massive responsibility that comes with this role. You need to check references and do your homework before EVER agreeing to submit. If your “Dom” (cringe) will not prove themselves, give references, or agree to 100% disclosure, walk the other way. Love yourself more.

6) Please understand the significance of collaring. Please. Don’t EVER accept or even think of accepting a collar from someone without knowing them completely. They need a chance to learn you. They need to EARN your trust and submission. Yes, the concept of collaring is sexy and it’s alluring and it may be something that you want. BUT… it’s not a game or something to be taken lightly.

source unknown

In terms of your emotional well-being, it’s more serious than marriage. Your Dominant should present you with their collar when you are both ready. Anything other than that is immature and disrespectful to the meaning. Expecting less than that is wrong. Love yourself more.

7) Asshole Dominants who don’t respect their submissives are an insult to my kind. They make it difficult for those who are ready to submit and want to pursue this type of relationship. Lack of respect for this lifestyle is offensive to me. Asshole Dominants gives me and my fellow Dominants a bad name.

Ask questions. Demand answers. Never hand yourself over to anyone who has not earned the right to own you.

LOVE. YOURSELF. MORE.

About Dear Mistress
Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25+ years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress’s Vibrator Showdown: Womanizer vs. Satisfyer

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Dear Mistress’s Vibrator Showdown: Womanizer vs. Satisfyer

You know those debates that can ruin friendships? The ones that have the potential to pit people against one another?

Coke vs. Pepsi
Pizza Hut vs. Papa John’s
Salty vs. Sweet
Reddi-Whip vs. Cool Whip

We have a new debate in town: WOMANIZER vs. SATISFYER

Since I am such a giver, I took on the enormous burden of being a taste-tester for your benefit. It wasn’t easy. I’m sure it wasn’t pretty. But my god – it was worth it. Many times over.

Here’s how they stack up:

Womanizer Pro40 – $124.00*

  • 8 intensity settings
  • Waterproof and completely submersible
  • Standard U.S. wall charger and USB
  • Comes with an alternate size replacement head
  • Quiet once in contact; moderately noisy when not in contact
  • One charge lasts for over 200 minutes
  • Easy to clean

See it on Amazon

Satisfyer Pro 2 – $47.25*

  • 11 intensity settings**
  • Waterproof and completely submersible
  • USB charging cord with a wonky magnetic charging pad
  • No replacement heads
  • Moderately noisy in contact; slightly louder when not in contact
  • One charge lasts for 30 minutes
  • Easy to clean

See it on Amazon

*Prices may vary

The Down & Dirty Details: Design & Ability

Womanizer Pro40

The Womanizer Pro40 claims to give “orgasms on demand” and they ain’t lyin’.

Sweet Baby Jesus, I about hit the ceiling. I had an orgasm within two minutes – A RECORD FOR ME. It’s easy to hold and comfortable to operate. When in use, the controls are on the underside (or closest to you) so you control it with your thumb. It’s light and slim but a bit slippery at times. There is no contour to it that allows for an easier grip. But for reals y’all… you won’t care.

It is the most isolated, direct stimulation that is not straight-on direct to the point of being painful (ladies, you know what I mean).

The head is streamlined and slim. It tapers toward the edge which allows for a nice fit. To use it, you need to spread your labia and position it over the clit – right at the tip so that the hollow portion of the head will encircle your clit. Once positioned, turn it on and BOOM. The combination of suction and vibration at the same time is like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

You know those jellyfish that dance in the ocean? They have this beautiful wave movement that makes them bounce through the current? That’s what I imagine is going on inside of that little pleasure machine.

To describe my first experience… it’s like watching those gorgeous race horses break through the gate. “And they’re off!” And you will be, too, in a matter of seconds.

Womanizer: The Quick & Dirty

Is it worth $124.00? YES.
Would I buy it again? YES.
Would I gift one to my bestie because I want her world to be forever changed? YES.
Can this be used with a partner? YES.

All in all – the Womanizer Pro40 turned me into a shuddering mess of satisfaction.

Satisfyer Pro 2

The Satisfyer Pro 2 had A LOT to live up to. A LOT.

At first glance, The Satisfyer Pro 2 a little larger and heavier than the Womanizer Pro 40. It has a nice contoured shape that makes it easier to hold, in my opinion, and is a similar design, but it’s more bulbous in shape. The same goes for the head. It’s not tapered and slim like its competition; it’s shaped more like a donut with a smaller opening in the center. For me, this made it more difficult to position between the labia because it was harder to feel where I needed it to go. This may pose a challenge for someone who has a deeply set clit.

When in use, the controls are on the top, so you use your pointer finger to adjust the settings. This made it very easy to change the intensity. Speaking of… the manufacturer says it has 11 intensity settings, however, **I was only able to find 5 settings during use.

After it took a little time to get it in place, I turned it on. That got my attention! I suddenly forgot how long it took to get it positioned properly. It feels similar to its competitor, but there is something a little different. To me, this felt a little more thumpy. You know those drums we had as kids that we would bang with the drumsticks with the little round ball on the end? If you put your hand on the underside of the drum, that’s similar to what the vibration feels like. It’s the same sort of bizarre suction and vibration as the Womanizer, but the Satisfyer is slightly more flicky (that’s not a word, I know). I felt it more directly, which wasn’t necessarily a good or bad thing – it was just different. Though I could see how it would become painful if used for too long. Because holy intense!

Satisfyer: The Quick & Dirty

Is it worth $47.25? YES.
Would I buy it again? NO.
Would I gift one to my bestie? YES.
Can it be used with a partner? YES.

All in all – the Satisfyer Pro 2 is satisfying and given its price, could be a nice alternative.

To sum up, I highly recommend the Womanizer Pro 40. The Satisfyer Pro 2 is a close alternative, but I would pick up the Womanizer over the Satisfyer every single time.

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Submit To Dear Mistress: Readers Share Real-Life BDSM Stories

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Submit To Dear Mistress: Readers Share Real-Life BDSM Stories

I want to start featuring real-life experiences from those willing to anonymously share with me to help others understand the emotions and needs behind BDSM. If you feel so inclined, please use the anonymous submission form to share your thoughts and experiences with readers.

Dear Mistress True Stories 800

We can all play a role in helping to educate others to abolish the misconceptions about this lifestyle. I can tell you honestly that you will get a thrill from writing your experience and will feel all of those emotions again. Enjoy it!

For our first submission (there’s that word again!), let’s address what I have been saying since the beginning: BDSM does not need to include SEX. I know some of you are probably sick of hearing me say that, contrary to what we read in those steamy, erotic novels that we all can’t devour fast enough.

BDSM is about the psychological control the Dominant has over their submissive and the power exchange they have together. YES, orgasms and sexual activity can be a part of it, if you choose to add that to your dynamic (consensual, obviously), but that is not where the basic need stems from. Let’s get a closer look at said “basic need.”
~Dear Mistress


Submit to Dear Mistress Basic Need

BASIC NEED

~An anonymous submission

It started with a knock on her door. When she opened it, I knew that she would see the need in my eyes. The want. We had been talking for a few months and had a few encounters. All of them friendly, a few playful. I knew her at this point, and she knew me. There was an established trust there now. A bond.

So when that door opened and my response to her, “Hey, what are you doing here?” was simply “I NEEDED to see you,” no other words needed to be said. She knew what I was going through: all the emotions screaming at the top of their lungs in my head.

My life was insane at the moment – total chaos. As someone who openly admits is a control freak, I needed the screaming to stop.

No other words were said as she closed the door behind me and lead me by the hand into her home. She dragged a wooden chair from the dining room and placed it in front of me while telling me to strip out of my pants but leave my shirt on. I did as I was told, after all, that is why I was there.

She pulled the chair up in front of me, so the back of it was pressed against my stomach and slowly circled. She stopped once behind me and ran her hands up my back stopping at my neck. Very slowly she pushed my neck forward and said, “Bend over the chair and put both hands firmly on the seat.” I did as she said.

She spread my legs and secured them with a spreader bar. “I want you to tell me how you are feeling,” she said. “Not whole sentences, just words. Tell me what is wrong. You feel…?” She began to circle me again.

“Anxious” I said. “Sad. Stressed. Emotional. Frustrated. Heartbroken. Overwhelmed.” I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. Every time I said a word, my lips quivered and my voice shook.

“Repeat them, again. And do not stop until I say so.” I said them over and over as she circled around me. I couldn’t see what she had in her hand, but I could hear it. I could hear it against her palm.

She stopped behind me and slowly pressed against me. She ran her hand down my back and said, “Stop talking. I want you to take ten deep breaths and on each exhale, relax deeper into yourself. Go.”

INHALE, EXHALE
INHALE, EXHALE
INHALE, EXHALE
INHALE, EXHALE – By the fourth exhale, I could feel my tension easing.
INHALE, EXHALE
INHALE, EXHALE – By the sixth exhale my body felt loose and my mind began to slow down.
INHALE, EXHALE
INHALE, EXHALE
INHALE, EXHALE – I feel relaxed.
INHALE, EXHALESLAP!

The paddle hit the left side of my ass just at the last of the breath escaped my lips. I sucked in air, hard. Boom! The paddle hit the opposite side. “Now say each of those words again. Slowly. Repeat each one until I say stop. Go.” I started…

“Anxious.” – SLAP!
“Sad.” – SLAP!
“Stressed.” – SLAP!

This went on for 10 minutes. She told me to stop and had me focus on breathing again. The entire time she stood behind me with her hand on my lower back.

“Again,” she said, and we repeated the last 10 minutes. This time tears and gasps separated each word. She told me to stop and she walked away, returning a few moments later with a glass of water with a straw. She knelt down in front of me and placed the straw in my mouth and wiped the tears from my eyes.

We made eye contact the entire time, but no words were said. She stood up and again, circled behind me placing one hand on my back. “Again.” she stated.

By the time this last round was finished, I wasn’t even saying words, I was full-on ugly crying. I was sobbing so hard that my legs collapsed, and I was hanging over the chair. And not because I was in pain. No. I had gone numb a while ago.

It was because all of those emotions, those screaming feelings, were GONE. I had said them out loud. I faced them. I made them real, and then I purged each one from my mind. I finally felt like I could breathe.

The feeling was amazing!

She bent behind me as I sobbed and kissed every mark on each side. Then she slowly stood me up and turned me to face her. Placing her hands on my face, she kissed each cheek before using a cold wash cloth to wipe my face. It was one of the most amazing, freeing, empowering moments I have ever experienced. No clothing was ripped off, no passionate kisses exchanged, no orgasm was dealt.

There was no sex, but WOW – it was mind-blowing.


Interested in spanking? I recommend these tutorial books for more in-depth reading:

Would you like to submit (heh) an anonymous kink experience? Please do so by clicking this link to the submission (heh) form.

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress: Hopeless Romantic, Kinky Therapy, Newbie Dominant

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Dear Mistress: Hopeless Romantic, Kinky Therapy, Newbie Dominant

Naughty Teaser: We’ll be sharing a reader-submitted sexy story next week for a Special Edition of Dear Mistress!


Dear Mistress,

I’m a true believer in “love conquers all.” I’ve been sitting on this question for a while, worried that I’ll sound like the naive, hopeless romantic that I am, but I finally forced myself to woman up and push the send button on this and get my answer once and for all.

If two people are made for each other and experience love at first sight (here’s the twist) and then find out that they are actually both Dominants without any real Switch tendencies, can they find a way to make it work? Has there ever been such a thing as two Dominants in a relationship? I’ve wondered this a lot, and imagine their relationship would be very explosively hot, but I wasn’t sure if it was just me being that hopeless romantic again.

Thanks Mistress.

-Hopeless Romantic Who Didn’t Have The Balls To Ask You This Weeks Ago

Dear Mistress Dominant v Dominant Love

Dear Hopeless Romantic Who Didn’t Have The Balls To Ask You This Weeks Ago,

This is a tough one. Has there ever been such a thing? I suppose.

I think it would depend on their personalities in and out of their kink life, and if they are successful at separating the two. Some Dominants are more easy-going in their daily life, saving their hardcore domineering personalities to come out during sessions. Honestly, I think if it were to work for them, they would need to keep any kink activity separate and each have their own submissive. Two dominating personalities can certainly have explosive, hot sex, but I think that is where I would draw the line.

Ultimately, for a Dominant to have their needs fulfilled, there needs to be a power exchange, plain and simple. So which one will submit? Which one will bow down and kneel in front of the other? It’s impossible to say, but my goodness, I want a front row seat to witness that power struggle.

~~grabs popcorn and gets comfy~~

Recommended additional reading:

The Control Book by Peter Masters

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Dear Mistress,

Are there mental health professionals that specialize in treating people who belong to the BDSM community?

Dear Mistress Kinky Therapy


Dear Kinky Therapy,

Yes, there are. There is an online resource to find “kink friendly” therapists in your area. Another option is to talk to those in your local lifestyle community. They will most likely have suggestions for you.

Visit the online resource guide on Kink Friendly Therapy here. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom provides a guide on how to select a “kink aware” therapist which you can read in full here.

They define “kink aware” as follows:

A therapist who is kink aware recognizes BDSM play as a normal part of the sexual spectrum, and is able to distinguish healthy BDSM play from non-consensual abuse. Ideally, such a therapist has educated herself about BDSM, via books, articles, lectures, websites, and/or discussion groups. She is aware of what constitutes safe and unsafe play (acknowledging, of course, that different folks have different standards for that). She is aware of the types of roles and role expectations that are commonly encountered in the BDSM scene. She understands the stress that some clients may experience in keeping their BDSM lifestyle secret. She has also worked with a number of clients from the BDSM community, and is explicitly welcoming of such clients in her advertising materials. Finally, she is aware that for many kinky clients, BDSM might not have anything to do with the reason that the client is coming in for therapy. Often, BDSM is just another facet of the client’s life, like their vegetarianism or their hobby of knitting.NCSF, Keely Kolmes Psy.D. and Geri Weitzman Ph.D.

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Dear Mistress,

I have started to embrace my dominant side. I’ve been asked to humiliate someone. Besides just name calling and spanking type of things…do you have any good recommendations or examples of humiliation for men that stay in the bedroom? (Meaning I’m not taking him out in public).

Dear Mistress Shaming the Man

Dear Newbie Dominant,

Humiliation can be fun and really turns me on. It’s hard to say what you can do to him, simply because what each person finds humiliating varies.

  • It can be as simple as making him call you by a title – some people find that incredibly humiliating.
  • Tie a lead around his cock and parade him around the house.
  • Make him do all household activities naked, wearing only an apron.
  • Make him clean the kitchen floor on his hands and knees – naked and with a toothbrush.
  • Put your foot on his face and demand that he licks the soles of your shoes.
  • If you are a woman, make him wear your bra and panties and stuff the bra.
  • Make him jerk off while you cane his balls. When he cries, which he probably will, call him a sissy.
  • Role play with him where he is a schoolboy brat and has to drop his pants and stand in the corner. Paddle his ass with a wooden paddle.
  • Make him have to ask permission for all sexual activity – and occasionally don’t allow him to come after he is very close. Make him leave the house with blue balls.
  • Use a cock cage on him and control his orgasm.
  • You want hardcore humiliation? Make him come in a cup and drink it. Inspect his mouth.

Some of these may be perfectly normal behavior for some and not humiliating at all. Others will find them completely humiliating. It depends on what he reacts to. There is a fine line between humiliating and insulting your submissive. Using terms like “ugly,” “fat.” “useless,” and “dumb” can cross the line to abuse – be careful there. Bottom line – have fun with it. And I have plenty of other suggestions if these do not work for you.

Dom’s Guide To BDSM Vol. 1: 49 Must-Know Tips On How To Be The Perfect Dom/Master Your Submissive Will Truly Respect & Admire
The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance

NSFW Product Links:
Lead Them by the Cock Premium Penis Leash
Natural Rattan Cane
Hickory Spanking Paddle with Holes Handmade by Walt
Oneisall Chromed Plated 3 size Metal Male Chastity Device Belt Cock Cage

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

photo credit
I against I via photopin (license)

Dear Mistress: Curious, (M)istress, Panty Paranoid, Perfectly Normal

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Dear Mistress: Curious, (M)istress, Panty Paranoid, Perfectly Normal

Dear Mistress Dear Mistress,
Since the release of Fifty Shades, there is much more discussion of the BDSM lifestyle. I was always curious about one aspect. Those in the lifestyle, is it 24/7, just during sexy time, or just occasionally? If you are a Dominate, Mistress, or sub, do you ever have vanilla sex too? Or is the act of BDSM what gets you off? Thanks for the insight.
~Curious

Dear Curious,
You’re correct – since the release of the books (and movie), there has suddenly been an increased interest in finding out about all things BDSM. This once very shrouded lifestyle is now borderline mainstream. It’s good that some might be able to find a way to have their needs fulfilled now that more people are aware of the options, but it’s also frustrating to those of us who prefer to stay underground.

Moving on… It’s DOMINANT. Dominate is the act; Dominant is the role. As far as if the dynamic is 24/7 or only during sexy time, it can be whatever you want it to be. If you desire to live your dynamic at all times, and you have a willing partner with the same needs, that will work for you.

Dear Mistress: Curious, (M)istress, Panty Paranoid, Perfectly Normal http://shamelessbookclub.com/book-news/dear-mistress-volume-xxvii/I don’t want you to confuse sexy time with BDSM. The BDSM lifestyle is not about sex. It’s about psychological control and the power exchange first. Whether or not you add sex into your dynamic is up to you. That said, anyone in the lifestyle can have vanilla sex as well as kinky sex – it’s up to them.

If your craving for dominance is solely sexual dominance, that might be what gets you off. Just keep in mind that everyone is different. Each person has different needs. Bottom line – you make your BDSM dynamic whatever you need it to be. It’s not a “one size fits all” lifestyle.

If you want to learn more about the lifestyle, this is a good place to start:

Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

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Dear Mistress,
Is my gf trying to feminize me by even suggesting me wearing her panties? Or is it in my head?

Dear Panty Paranoid,
Chances are if she wants you to put on her panties, she’s either into humiliation or she has a panty fetish; it’s not always about forced feminization. Lots of women find it incredibly sexy when they see their partner donning their silky unmentionables. It can be a huge turn-on.

Dear Mistress: Curious, (M)istress, Panty Paranoid, Perfectly Normal http://shamelessbookclub.com/book-news/dear-mistress-volume-xxvii/I’ve read about the reasons behind this, and one interesting theory was because a woman’s panties are just that – hers. They don’t get worn by anyone else; rarely seen by anyone else. And they are up close and personal with the most feminine part of her body, only to be discarded into the hamper with the most primal part of her – her scent – still clinging to the fabric. She is, essentially, seeing the most intimate part of her on YOU.

I’m not saying this is the case for your girlfriend; this is just one theory. But, if this gets her off? Awesome. I would stop making this about her trying to feminize you and start giving into how pleasurable it will be for her. After all, it takes a woman with balls to admit to her partner that she wants to see them in her panties. Have fun with it and most importantly, thank her for sharing her desires with you.

Want to learn more about sexual fetishes? This is a good source:

Fetish Sex: A Complete Guide to Sexual Fetishes

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Dear Mistress,
Hi there, I am the mistress to my partner and he is adament that he would now like me to knock him out. Do you think this is possible? If so, what is the safest way to achieve this? Thanks

Dear (M)istress,
Do I think it’s possible? Yes.

What is the safest way to knock him out? The safest way is to NOT knock him out. Be safe AND smart, please.

BE SAFE!

As Kinky as You Wanna Be: Your Guide to Safe, Sane and Smart BDSM

Dear Mistress: Curious, (M)istress, Panty Paranoid, Perfectly Normal http://shamelessbookclub.com/book-news/dear-mistress-volume-xxvii/

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Dear Mistress,
My husband and I have a very unconventional marriage. In our day to day lives I am the dominant one. I’m the more outspoken one, I’m the one that deals with problems and making sure he is taken care of. I’m also the one that deals with other people. But at night when we finally have our alone time, he is more dominant. He takes full control in the bedroom. Why is it that our roles are reversed as soon as we’re alone? And why only sexually?

Dear Perfectly Normal,
There is nothing out of the ordinary about what you just asked. That is the way it is for a lot of couples. The “dominant by day, sexually submissive by night” role is a common one. During the day, you run the household, business, finances, etc., and you get the opportunity to let all of that go when it comes to sex. That is how you escape your mind and release stress and the multitude of obligations you have in your daily life.

Dear Mistress: Curious, (M)istress, Panty Paranoid, Perfectly Normal http://shamelessbookclub.com/book-news/dear-mistress-volume-xxvii/

The same goes for your husband. He may be more passive during day-to-day activities, allowing you or his boss (if he is not the boss) to take the lead. Doing so most likely keeps him calm. However, you are his outlet – the one who allows him to take everything that he has stored up by taking the backseat during the day, and release his suppressed aggression. Actually, the Alpha Dominant (someone who is in control of all things, at all times – personally, sexually, kink, etc.) is not as common. Most people need a release or an escape, and they find that by either submitting or dominating. What you described sounds like a very healthy balance.

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress: Satisfied But Worried, Can’t Think Of A Clever Name To Sign This With, Crop Curious

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Dear Mistress: Satisfied But Worried, Can’t Think Of A Clever Name To Sign This With, Crop Curious

Dear Mistress,

AbFab Whip

via BBC

My boyfriend and I have started to dabble in some BDSM play over the last few months, and for the most part I really enjoy his dominance, but there are times I’m afraid he doesn’t know what he is doing and that something is going to go wrong. Do you have any suggestions on things we can do to become more educated before something bad happens?

Dear Satisfied But Worried,

Congratulations on starting to explore this exciting world! So many people enter into this lifestyle full throttle, jumping in with both feet. While that is very enticing because there is so much to explore, it’s not the smartest idea. There is just so much to learn.

Our Motto is Safe – Sane – Consensual

You are absolutely right to be worried. So many things can go wrong! Suddenly, without warning, you can find yourself bleeding from an implement that was used incorrectly, wax that was too hot, loss of feeling in your nipples from clamps that were left on for too long, and so on. Any of those are possible, plus another gazillion scenarios that haven’t crossed your mind.

EDUCATION IS KEY. I honestly can’t stress that enough. I see so many people dive right in – it’s foolish. I would suggest the two of you join in your local community and attend workshops and events that are meant to educate. Visit your local adult store and look for flyers or ask the staff for and local BDSM meetings. I would also join FetLife and search for education events in your area. Honestly, you can never be too educated. I never stop learning and for good reason. In the meantime, I will give you some educational reading so you can start to explore safely.

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Dear Mistress,

In Fifty Shades Of Grey, Christian said to Ana that he could tell she was a natural born submissive upon first laying eyes on her. Is it true that someone in the lifestyle can pick out another person in the lifestyle just by looking at them and observing their mannerisms?
– Can’t Think Of A Clever Name To Sign This With

Dear Can’t Think Of A Clever Name To Sign This With,

Jamie Dornan Whip

source unknown

It is absolutely true. It might be difficult to pick up at first, but once you practice and know what to look for, it becomes much easier. Being able to tell if someone likes to get their kink on is one thing (and really fun to figure out!), but determining if someone is a natural submissive or a natural Dominant is completely different and based on nonverbal communication. Everyone gives off clues as to their personality and if they are passive or aggressive. But, even if a person is not involved in the lifestyle, it’s still possible to tell on which side of the fence they would fall. So, now that you’re armed with this information – will you be scoping everyone out?

[Disclaimer: This does not apply to the control freak, uber dominant, mega aggressive person who uses BDSM and submits to a Dominant to calm their mind and forget the world they rule over on a daily basis. That is an entirely different beast.]

Nonverbal Submissive Clues

  • Quiet, reserved, or soft-spoken
  • Lowers head to appear to hand over control, chin down
  • Agreeable personality, preferring others to take the lead whenever possible
  • Slightly caved stance, does not stand tall, crosses arms over their chest
  • Minimal eye contact; if eye contact is unavoidable, the look is somewhat doe-eyed
  • Does not prefer all eyes on them, shies away from being the center of attention
  • Smiling with closed lips and downcast eyes
  • Nervous laughter or nodding during conversations
  • Instinctively turns their body toward those who give off the leader vibe
  • Devoted attention to those she/he feels drawn to

Nonverbal Dominant Clues

  • Tends to speak first in crowds
  • No issue being direct or speaking out
  • Enjoys making eye contact when speaking
  • Appears to study your face intently when speaking to you
  • Does not blink as much as a submissive personality
  • Walks tall, shoulders back, confident stride
  • Stands with shoulders straight, chin up, leaning back, almost in a “hit me if you dare” stance; this includes hands on the hips
  • Reads emotions in people, wants to know what makes them tick
  • Serious, intent nature
  • Natural observer of situations and people

Mastering the Body Language: How to Read People’s Mind with Nonverbal Communication

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Dear Mistress,

BD Crop and Shoes

source unknown

I’m crop-curious…
A) What’s the pain like with a riding crop?
B) Do you have any recommendations or favorite crops?
C) Is it possible to get permanent marks from it?

Dear Crop Curious,

I love the feel of a crop. I love it from both sides.

A) I love handling one; it’s a very controlled tool, in my opinion. The bend and resistance changes based on the exact crop and the material and length of the rod. As for the pain it delivers, it can be soft or brutal. It’s a solid strike with a thuddy sting, not quite as a sharp as a flicker (my fucking favorite), but not quite as flat/blunt as a leather slapper.

B) Always.

C) Honestly, nearly anything can leave a permanent mark if you are striking repeatedly with enough force, if you break skin, or if the skin is thin.

So, let me guess – you want to try one now, right? Lucky for you, I have suggestions. Here are my favorites…

Happy slapping!

CROPS

FLICKER

Dressage Whip

SLAPPER

12″ Slapper with Holes

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: Adventurous Neophyte, Title Curious, Vanilla Bean, Disrespected

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Dear Mistress: Adventurous Neophyte, Title Curious, Vanilla Bean, Disrespected

Dear Mistress

Angelica Kauffmann - Portrait of a Woman Dressed as Vestal Virgin - WGA12101So, I never had a boyfriend in person (only online) so that pretty much means I haven’t done the “deed” yet. I joined FetLife to look around and learn more, and this girl I chatted with is looking for another “baby girl” for her Dom. They are in a relationship. I exchanged messages with both of them and they are interested in me joining them.

My problem is I’m a very jealous person. I told this to him and he said that me and her will be treated equally. If I do accept their offer, he would like to get to know more about me so he can decide which collar he’ll give me.

They are not rushing me at all. I’m glad about that because I don’t want to make a decision without thinking everything through. I’m interested, but I know it won’t end well for me. I think I’ll always feel second. I know I should decline, but I don’t get what’s stopping me. Even if I do decline, I’d still meet her and maybe we’ll be better off as friends. Any advice will be much appreciated.

Dear Adventurous Neophyte,

First, let me say that I commend you for searching for what you want and being brave enough to ask for advice. Second, taking that huge step should be done on your terms and when you feel completely comfortable. If you are a jealous person, that type of dynamic will do way more harm than good. If you can be friends with them WITHOUT OBLIGATION, I would suggest that instead. That will allow you to learn more about the lifestyle so you can decide what is best for you.

Jumping into the BDSM world can seem really fun and exciting because it’s new and everything is amplified. It’s a lifestyle that is filled with pushing limits and sensation, but what a lot of folks don’t understand is the commitments are even more intense than that of a traditional marriage. Accepting a collar so quickly is a HUGE red flag for me – a big no-no in my book – and something that I’m strongly against for someone who is just starting to explore. You need to find out which dynamic appeals to you the most and will fulfill you.

My advice is to do your homework. Go to munches. Meet lots of folks. The right dynamic for you will become evident in time. More importantly, give the gift of your virginity (not only your submission, if that is what you decide you want) to someone who earns it and will be focused on you 100%. You only get to do that once. I’m always here if you want to talk.

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Dear Mistress, 

How do you know when a Dom is a true Dom? Do they just come out and tell you? Or is there a proper way of telling someone?

Dear Title Curious,  
I would hope that the person you are speaking with would be honest with you. Normally, a true Dominant’s personality will give it away 9 times out of 10 – at least that has been the case with my experience. If you are referring to their role in the lifestyle, you can ask questions that will help you learn their history or what they are into.Hello My Name is Mistress

If you are looking to interview new potential Dominants, I would ask for a history and also references from friends, other Dominants, past submissives, and also anyone they have mentored. Because there are so many frauds these days and people who assume the title without earning the title, I completely understand your concern. This is your safety that is being put on the line, so don’t be afraid to ask for references.

As for a “proper” way to tell someone, that depends on the situation. If it is just casual conversation, I would think that once you are comfortable enough with someone, it should feel very natural to tell them what you are. If it doesn’t, they probably don’t need to know. If you are active in the BDSM community and attend munches, chances are someone’s role/title will be included when you are introduced to them. We tend to like to make our roles known in the beginning. It is not uncommon to meet someone and hear, “This is John. He is the Master of so-and-so…,” that way you know right away who belongs to Master John, which also serves as a warning not to approach John’s slave/submissive.

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Dear Mistress, 

I am what you would call a newbie – or vanilla – to this lifestyle. It excites me to read about the lifestyle and to follow people who are part of this lifestyle, however I have no clue where to begin to become part of this lifestyle. I do not have a partner at this time and have not for a while, but I do know that I want more than what I have had in the past. What and where would you suggest a vanilla person start?

VanillaDear Vanilla Bean,

I think it’s wonderful that you are going through a period of self-discovery. If you can figure out what you DO want, that is half the battle. As I have discussed in the past, it is best to jump into the lifestyle by meeting and talking with people in your local community.

Get started by joining an online community such as FetLife and search for your local events. You can attend munches in your area, which are casual get-togethers in a vanilla setting. They are no-pressure, friendly events that will allow you to meet others in your local community. You can even message the organizer ahead of time so they know you are new and can fill you in on what to expect. Don’t be afraid to do this. Generally, people in the BDSM community are very welcoming and they want you to feel comfortable.

You can also visit your local kink/fetish/sex shops. You will usually see fliers posted for local events. That is another great way to get information in advance.

If you are uneasy with any of the above, please let me know and I can talk to you personally or put you in touch with others who have just ventured into the lifestyle by using the same means – and have had great success.

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Dear Mistress, 

My Sub keeps hinting that she wants more dominance, however she has a hard time being the Sub that she thinks she is.

For example, I have to travel for my job and be gone for a week or two at a time. When talking to her on the phone I told her she did not tell me she loved me when had a brief conversation earlier. I know she does, but I like to hear it. When I questioned her about it on the follow up phone call after her evening had settled down, she got a snappy attitude with me. When I let her know that tone is not ok, she threatened to hang up on me. We’ve been married 10 years and have children together so it isn’t an option to get a new Sub. Correct me if I am wrong but I am pretty sure that is not how any of this works.

Dear Disrespected,

You are 100% correct. That is not how it works. My first observation: it’s “submissive” with a lowercase “s.”

If she wants more dominance from you, she needs to understand that her actions have consequences, especially if she is not respecting the dominance you are displaying already. If both of you have a clear understanding of what is and isn’t allowed, there should be no question. My personal motto:

A submissive is only as strong as the Dominant empowers them to be. 

My second observation of the situation is that she does not respect you in that role. If she did, she would want to please you. Ultimately, a good submissive wants to please her Dominant more than anything. That is clearly not the case here. So, you either need to have a serious sit-down to discuss her attitude, or step it up on your end by punishing infractions appropriately, which will make it very clear to her that her behavior is unacceptable and that brats will not be tolerated. Or (and this is a real possibility) she needs to admit that this dynamic is not for her. It might not be. She might not be a natural submissive and you might not be a natural Dominant. I would hate to see you jeopardize your marriage if the dynamic is truly not for you.

If you need to speak to me about appropriate punishments, please contact me. I will be happy to do so.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: Slowly But Surely, Bound & Basted, Deviant Designation

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Dear Mistress: Slowly But Surely, Bound & Basted, Deviant Designation

Dear Mistress,

I am a born dominant, but also a woman married to a very masculine “man’s man.” He will do literally anything for me and I see the submissive qualities in him pretty much everywhere. He lets me take control in the bedroom (Thank God) but I am interested in introducing some BDSM play into our relationship.

320px-Silhouetted_Domme CCHe seems interested (although I think that may have more to do with him picturing me in skin tight leather all the time) but I don’t know how to actually start/introduce this to him. He will not, under any circumstances, read anything about the BDSM lifestyle. I have also made it clear to him that I have zero interest in being submissive myself (I had to explain switching to him). Help!!!! How do I start so I don’t scare the shit out of him?

Dear Slowly but Surely,

This is a tough situation. There are some contradictions here, however, one thing is clear: you need to tread lightly. If he has no interest in reading anything about the lifestyle, you will need to go slowly. You can’t force him into anything (that’s an entirely different conversation).

I would start by sending him notes. No texts. No emails. Actual handwritten notes. This will covey your seriousness and will make him take notice to your tone. I would give him clear instructions. Perhaps tell him you want him naked in the bedroom – waiting for you in the position that you choose. Come into the bedroom and undress in front of him and leave your clothes on the bed so he can see them. Make him wait. Take a shower. Let him hear the shower run so he can mentally imagine what you’re doing. When you come out, pick up your panties and stuff them in his mouth. He’s going to watch you like a deer in headlights. Take something like a necktie and tell him you are going to tie his hands behind his back. Be sure to communicate your every move to him so he feels comfortable. Tell him that he is going to do things your way tonight. Then I want you to stroke him. Tell him he is not allowed to break eye contact with you – AND he can not orgasm until you say so. Go at your pace.

When you are finished, ask him what he thought of the experience. Ask him which parts of it turned him on. Take his answers and expand upon them. That is truly the only way you’ll be able to ease into it. You need to listen and communicate. If he responds favorably, reach out to me again and we can discuss how to proceed. Good luck!

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Dear Mistress,

Where can I find arm/leg restraints? Specifically having my legs near my head as I’m being worked over. I’m a curvy girl so I’m not interested in looking like a roasted pork loin.

Dear Bound & Basted,

I feel ya, sweetie. There are a ton of options for you. Let’s look at under-the-bed restraints, soft spreader bars, and hogties (heh…pork loin).

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Dear Mistress,

I am very submissive by nature. But how do I know if I am suited to be a submissive or a slave?

Dear Deviant Designation,

It may seem that the two roles are very similar, but they are very different. A slave is a much bigger commitment. It’s normally a 24/7, TOTAL power exchange. You hand over your free will. The slave is content with their Master/Mistress holding all the power. As long as there is trust, and you trust that your Master/Mistress would never put you in harms way OR force you to do something that is against your wishes.

As a submissive, you have more freedom for yourself. Yes, the dynamic is what you make it in any case, but the power exchange is usually for designated times or situations. You can think of it as the submissive still holds all the power. That is a fact.

If you are someone who needs their voice to be heard in all situations, being a slave might not be for you. If your desire to serve is intense and your desire to hand yourself over is off the charts, you might be a slave.

The bottom line is this: It comes down to whether or not you feel empowered giving everything up OR are you more empowered by submitting on your terms. No matter what you decide, you always have the power to safeword if you find the situation to be something you can not tolerate.

As you go through your path of self-discovery, I am here to discuss the process with you. Please don’t ever hesitate to reach out to me.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: Skin of Steel, Newbie Punisher, Fetish Curious

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Dear Mistress: Skin of Steel, Newbie Punisher, Fetish Curious

Oh, how I have missed you all! I need to apologize to my faithful readers for my absence over the last four weeks. Life gets hectic, as we all know. It feels so good to be doing this again.
I wanted to share something. I recently came to a realization. I was thinking back over the years to a time when I was much younger; a time long before the internet and social media. It got me reminiscing about the people I had met who helped to shape who I am. I took a chance and looked up a woman that I had worked with when I was a teenager, and I found her on Facebook.

I was so shocked – but probably not as shocked as she was to get my PM. I got the chance to tell her about some of the little things that she had done and said that had such a huge impact on me. She encouraged me then and, she made me feel that it was okay to not be like everyone else. And because of this very brief encounter with her, all those years ago, I felt empowered.

It dawned on me that I am still feeling the impact of it today. Even though the little things she did were really of no significance to her, she essentially, without even knowing it, pushed me to become…me. It just felt so good to say those things to her. To say thank you for being an inspiration and for the guidance she unknowingly provided. I encourage all of you… if you have someone who inspired or helped you in some way, reach out and let them know. We can all help one another. Gratitude is a beautiful thing.

So, as for my aforementioned realization, it’s a simple, yet powerful message. It’s what I will strive to be from now on.

Be who you needed to be when you were younger.

Thank you for reading and for your patience. Always.

-DM

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Dear Mistress,

I need help and any ideas you all have. I am an extreme Masochist. I do not mark at all anymore. Do you have any ideas on how to help someone bruise? I have tried the aspirin route. Thanks in advance.

Dear Skin of Steel,

I’m right there with you. Your skin becomes resilient after a while. However, fear not! There are techniques you can try.

Bettie_Page_Klaw_21 Crop CC1) If you are going for hand marks and bruising, you want to go with squeezing or spanking. If spanking, you want to make sure you are face down, ass up. You want to stretch the skin as much as possible so it’s taut. The more you thin out the skin, the easier it bruises. You want to strike repeatedly at the crease where your ass meets your thigh.

2) You need to switch up the implements you are using and go for something that is stingier. Think flicker, canes (even a metal cane), spiked paddle, metal-tipped or chainmail flogger, knotted flogger, or even a whip. The smaller and tighter the area you are striking, the more severe the impact. The wider the surface area, and the larger the implement, the lesser the force behind the impact, which means less bruising.

3) If you still like the feel of a wider implement, I suggest a wooden paddle or hairbrush. The blunt strike of the solid wood is pretty effective. But again, you need to stretch the skin.

4) AFTERCARE! AFTERCARE! AFTERCARE! Immediately after your session, you want to cover the impacted area with a super HOT, wet towel. Press it over the area. It needs to be very hot. The hot moisture will make the blood vessels open up, which makes for a larger, darker bruise.

Give those a try (and some of the implements listed below) and let me know how you make out:

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Dear Mistress,

I have a girlfriend that wants to test out BDSM with me, but she expects punishments if she breaks the agreed upon rules. What are appropriate punishments in this lifestyle?

Dear Newbie Punisher,

Well, damn. You just got my blood pumping. It’s hard to say what types of punishments will be effective for her without knowing the rules she may be breaking.

Reve_Spanking_2 CCI would start slow and easy. Give her simple tasks. Maybe pleasure her orally. Tell her that she is not allowed to make a sound. If she does, immediately stop what you are doing and slap her lady bits – hard. Keep going. She will learn that she has to do what you say to earn her orgasm.

Give her tasks throughout the day. Maybe something like she has to wear a butt plug at work for an hour. If she doesn’t follow your rules, she gets spanked over your knee, while wearing the plug. If that shows favorable responses, try harder tasks.

You can make her kneel naked on a hard surface with her back straight. If she slouches, she gets a hard slap with a crop to the nipples. If you want to go the extreme route, hold back her orgasms. Edge her repeatedly. You own her orgasm.

There are so many options; it just depends on how she responds and what you find to be effective. The punishment must always be in proportion to the rule that is being broken.

I would love to hear what works for you so we can come up with even better ideas for you. Stay in touch.

BTW, I will just throw this out there, because I see them often. You know those memes that show the naughty woman saying something like she breaks the rules on purpose to be punished? Or that she knows how to push buttons so that she is punished? Yeah. It’s not cute. It’s not funny. It’s being a brat. Do you know what that would earn from me? Your dismissal. And I am sure that’s not the punishment that type of person is looking for. End rant.

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Dear Mistress,

I have a friend who is in a relationship with a guy, but he has a really weird fetish. She is a Sub and he has her have sex with his best friend, and that friend videos it and takes pics to send to him. He gets off watching her and the friend fucking. She has asked me what I would do, and I told her, personally, what she does in her relationship, is what she should feel comfortable with, and that I have done that but eventually I cut it off and told my man I wasn’t going to do it anymore. What would you tell her?

Dear Fetish Curious,

The bottom line is that your opinion, as well as anyone else’s opinion, doesn’t really matter. If it makes her uncomfortable, she needs to speak up. If they have a healthy D/s relationship, discussing limits should be easy and should happen often. There is ALWAYS an opportunity to renegotiate, even if it was something she agreed to previously.

His fetish is not weird; it’s just his fetish. It’s actually very common. If his fetish is not something that she can feed and be honored to do so, she should move on. His role as a Dominant should be to always have her best interests and safety in mind. Her role as a submissive – once TRUST is earned and established – is to willingly hand herself over to her Dominant for his pleasure. If that is not the case, it’s not a healthy dynamic.

As a submissive (lower case ‘s), she should know that she is in the power position. She drives the rules. She says what is and isn’t acceptable. She needs to learn that and fast.

Helpful reading for her:

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

By Irving Klaw (http://www.grrl.com/bpbondage.html) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

By Georges Topfer (Le Rêve d’un flagellant) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Mistress: Wanting It More, Sneaky Freak, Titles

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Dear Mistress: Wanting It More, Sneaky Freak, Titles

Dear Mistress
I REALLY get excited when my husband gets forceful in the bedroom and other rooms. But it only happens when he gets REALLY excited. We have been married for 15 years and I trust him completely. I want it more often but don’t what to make him uncomfortable or push him to do something that he is not into. He’s the kind of guy that is gentle most of the time and spoils me rotten. (Not complaining.)

How do I get my needs met without making him feel inferior or lacking?

Dear Wanting It More,
The fact that he is already being forceful with you is a big positive. You would be surprised by how many men are not comfortable being controlling and forceful. So good for you that he is already showing promise.

The problem with men is that you can’t beat around the bush with them. Be direct. You want it? Tell him. Be honest. Believe me, your man wants to know what drives you crazy. He wants to know how to please you. AND he wants to know that he is doing a good job.

Men are not mind readers. You need to slap them across the face with what you want. I would suggest talking to him when you have him at his most vulnerable, his most turned-on, when he can do nothing other than pay attention to you.

Make him lie back on the bed. Stand at the foot of the bed and undress for him. He’ll watch you. As you undress, start to tell him what turns you on. Tell him if he moves or talks, you will stop. Trust me, he’ll listen.

Crawl up his legs, drag your breasts up his calves, and keep constant eye contact with him. At this point, he will be hard. Stroke him. Tell him how turned on you get when he gets forceful. Tell him something such as, “When you take control and fuck me like I’m your slut, it drives me crazy.” Watch his reaction.

Ask him questions and tell him to nod if he understands. Ask him things like, “Do you want to tie my hands behind my back and fuck my mouth?” Be direct. Tell him that you WANT him to surprise you. Then tell him to nod yes if he understands what you are saying.

You will have him hungry and ready to explode. Finish by telling him that you are going to stop touching him now, and you want him bring everything you told him to life.

And…GO.

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Dear Mistress,
I have read in several books about subspace. I have done further research on the subject as well. Lately I have been trying to decide if I’m interested in becoming a submissive. I must say that subspace is something that I really long to discover. I wanted to ask you if you have ever experienced subspace, and what is it like?

Sincerely,
Sneaky Freak

Dear Sneaky Freak,
I’m happy to hear that you are doing your research. I have experienced subspace many times. It’s not really something you are aware of as it’s happening, and you don’t always remember fully what took place. It depends on how intense the session is and how your body responds.

For me, I can tell when I am slipping into that state by my vision and consciousness. My vision starts to blur, almost like I can’t focus. My breathing becomes shallow. My limbs feel like they are floating. And my mind starts to experience quick gaps. Almost like when you are falling asleep and you experience those snipits of silence.

Granted, it’s different for everyone. Each person falls into subspace in a different way, brought on by different things. For me, it’s repeated, timed strikes. My brain starts to anticipate the pain and it gets foggy. Once it happens, I’m weightless. I’m euphoric. I’m centered.

When I come out of it, I usually find that I have been crying. I get dizzy and disoriented and I want to sleep.

At this point, the most important thing that needs to happen is after-care. Your Dominant needs to take care of you and make sure that you are comfortable, not injured, hydrated, and cared for. It’s not unusual for the submissive to feel lonely or abandoned, or suddenly burst into tears from the overwhelming sensations. If there is ever a time when your Dominant needs to be attentive, it’s at that time. The drop that occurs after a regular session can be intense. The drop that occurs after reaching subspace is even more so.

I wish you a lot of luck if you decide to try it. I’m always available for help, if needed.

Here are some implements that will push me into subspace:

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Dear Mistress,

Is there a difference between the terms Fem Dom, Domme, Dominatrix, and Mistress?
-Titled

Dear Titled,
Yes, there are differences in the terms you mentioned.  Here is a rundown for you:

Fem Dom: This is the art of female domination. The Dominant/Top in the relationship is female. The submissive/bottom can be male or female.

Domme: Female version of the male “Dominant.” It is pronounced like “dom.”

Dominatrix: A professional Domme who usually charges a fee for sessions. A Dominatrix will enable a client’s fantasies and desires.

Mistress: This is the female version of the masculine term “Master.” It is a title that is earned and is similar to other titles such as Madame and Ma’am.

A guide to BDSM roles:


BDSM Primer – A Woman’s Guide to BDSM – Fetishes, Roles, Rituals, Protocols, Safety, & More

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Eadweard Muybridge [Public domain or CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By חגית שטרנשוס עמרם (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Mistress: Violated, Charbroiled, Toyless

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Dear Mistress: Violated, Charbroiled, Toyless

Dear Mistress,

I am not really sure why I’m writing to you, since this clearly is not a matter of BDSM. Maybe because you know the importance of trust.

I always had difficulties trusting men. That had resulted in me being 23-years-old with no experience whatsoever until my boyfriend came along. He bypassed all my issues and we’ve been together for three years now. I can’t say we have the perfect relationship, because problems do come from time to time, but we work through them. He takes care of me, and even if he is hesitant to say so, he loves me. I love him, too.

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But last night, everything crashed. We were having sex, and he had his finger in my ass. I had told him before that I didn’t want to do anal without the right preparation, because I was afraid. I had read your answer describing the right way and I wanted to really be ready before going there. Unfortunately, my boyfriend apparently forgot what I had told him, and he wanted to try.

Needless to say, I was in pain. What hurt me the most, and it’s the reason why I am writing to you, is the fact that I told him to stop and he didn’t. He went on.

Afterwards, I told him what I was feeling, that it’s a matter of trust for me, and that he violated my trust. Ever since, he is doing his best to show me his remorse, even going out of his way in order to do so. But still, I am shattered. I don’t know what to do.

He has shown in the past that he can adapt to things that bother me or I find bad for our relationship. As do I. We are constantly battling for our relationship, but I thought we had bitten all the trust issues. Right now, I need his actions to tell me that he has regretted, but I also need someone to tell me if such a violation of trust can be amended.

LED_Traffic_Light CCDear Violated,

First, I am so sorry this happened to you. Second, no one can tell you if that trust can be restored. To put it bluntly, you were violated. The person you have worked so hard to build a trusting relationship with abused your trust. Deciding to trust him again is solely up to you. Yes, it’s great that he is remorseful, but how do you know he will honor your wishes in the future? You don’t.

The only thing that I can suggest, and this is only if you want to invest more time and effort into rebuilding the trust, is to demand a safeword system be used. We have discussed it here before, but basically you will use a Green-Yellow-Red safeword system that will allow you to communicate your comfort level with the activity that is taking place.

GREEN” means that everything is fine.
YELLOW” indicates that he should tread carefully because you are feeling slightly uneasy.
RED” demands that all activity stop immediately.

He will need to agree to this plan, and you will need to give him a chance to make good on his word. I wish I had better advice, but this is up to you. Thank you for reaching out to me, and I hope that you will be able to move forward.

Read more about the Green-Yellow-Red system here.

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Dear Mistress,

I’ve been given 36 hours to “ponder” whether I still want to see my Master. We’ve been playing for about six months. We are both married to other people, but I feel like I am getting seriously emotionally attached. While he is just looking for an opportunity to use his Dom tendencies, I’m looking for fulfillment. How close to the fire can I get without getting burned? He is the only man who has earned my submission (apparently I am a switch).

Dear Charbroiled,

Unfortunately, it sounds like you are already burnt to a crisp. Getting emotionally attached to your Dominant is very common, and sadly, if your Dominant is only looking to play, you will get hurt. This type of dynamic is so much more intense than a vanilla relationship. A lot of people really can’t grasp why that is, but you bare so much of yourself, and the level of trust that is needed is beyond that of a normal relationship. Handing yourself over is not easy, and it opens the door to an emotional attachment that is very strong.

In your case, if you are already asking how close you can get, you already have feelings for him. I would talk to him and be honest before it gets out of hand. You might have to deal with feelings of jealousy if he plays with anyone else. If he makes it clear this is only about play for him, and you allow yourself to get even more attached, the feeling of loss and abandonment you will feel will be extreme. That is Sub Drop of the worst possible kind. I certainly don’t want that for you.

Be honest with him. Be honest with yourself. And love yourself enough to know that you want and deserve more if he is only looking for a play partner. The time to have that discussion was yesterday. Please let me know how you make out.

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Dear Mistress,

Where do you recommend buying “toys” etc. Any specific website or store?

Dear Toyless,

Of course I have my favorites. You didn’t specify which type of toys you are looking for, so I’ll give you a few options, because that’s what I want to do.

Ipo is a cute little finger vibe with powerful and near-silent motor and 12 vibe patterns and multiple speeds made with body-safe, FDA approved silicone.The fully-waterproof and rechargeable egg massager features an industry-first SenseMotion remote control, a 3X greater wireless range and a 50% stronger motor.The Life by Leaf is an ergonomic easy to hold vibrator for outer stimulation, rechargeable, silicone and multispeed.Waterproof plastic mini bullet with LED light, chrome finish and 7 speed vibration.The E-sensual bullet is a powerful vibrator that is powered by your computer.

Waterproof vibrating mini bullet with LED indicating light and 7 vibration patterns.These soft and sexy handcuffs feature a black fuzzy cover that lets you stay comfortable while you play naughty!Two luxury blindfolds, one silver and one black, ideal for couples who want to introduce light bondage play and excitement to the bedroom.

  • Maybe you’re a discerning shopper – looking for the highest quality and toys that are almost works of art? Tantus has you covered. Superb craftsmanship and streamlined toys that will make anyone’s legs shake in appreciation.

Is that enough for you? I say it is.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Candle-light-animated” by AndrikkosOwn work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

Dear Mistress: Updates!

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Dear Mistress: Updates!

Dear Faithful Followers,

Last week I asked for feedback from some of you who were seeking guidance or suggestions. Holy shit – did you guys deliver?! I am thrilled to know that some of you have either tried some of the products that I have recommended or felt empowered enough to jump into the unknown. I feel like a proud mama bird watching her fledglings balancing on the edge of the nest with shaky little legs – finally brave enough to take a leap and find their kinky wings.

Thank you for trusting me and for allowing me to give you little nudges of encouragement. Please continue to share your stories. We can all help and inspire others.

With gratitude,

Dear Mistress

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From Dear Mistress on May 29th

Click to read the original question and answer

<<<UPDATE>>>

Dear Mistress,

It has been an interesting few weeks! Have you ever wanted to do something just for yourself? After discussing my situation with you (Mistress) a little more in-depth, and working together to set up my online kink profile, I went to my first newcomer’s meeting and munch. They were the first things I had done for myself in YEARS.

I was nervous, anxious, excited. I had no idea what to expect. I mean, what does vanilla really mean? I had you cheering me along and giving me tips, and I walked in to a group of people who were genuinely glad to see me.

My community sponsors a newcomer’s meeting before their munch where they talk about the munches, special interest groups, classes, parties, and expectations. We also discussed rules for party nights, what kind of playing you may see, what is acceptable to wear or not wear. They made me feel so welcome.

Then came my first munch! It was a setup for the party that weekend. Everyone came in and introduced themselves. There was a lot of hugging; we were warned in the newcomer’s meeting that my community is a “huggy” bunch.

It was a blast. My community isn’t afraid to ask questions or answer them. My boobs were complimented more than once! Not in an uncomfortable way, but I felt like a sex goddess by the time I left. I have been able to build friendships with several people I met at the munch. They message to check on my day and to let me know what is going on. I have NEVER felt support like this.

I get to munch again this weekend. It will be great to see everyone again and meet a few new people.

I have really gotten a lot out of FetLife. It has let me connect to several Dominants, both online and those I met in real life. It has been a good way to chat and not give out personal information. The Dominants that I have met have been very understanding of my sticky personal situation. They have taken time to get to know what I am looking for. A few have asked me some very difficult questions that I hadn’t even thought about. It has actually been very helpful in my real life.

I didn’t realize exactly how much I missed myself. My identify isn’t dependent on someone else. That is an amazing feeling. There is one that has taken the time to get to know me. He has taken time to understand my needs and even though he has never touched me, he has made me cum in ways that I didn’t think possible. I have never felt so alive!

I’m still very new, and still have a lot to learn, but I can’t stress enough how much you have helped me when I was confused, or had questions I thought might be stupid. I also can’t stress enough how wonderful it is to do something for ME. The confidence I have gained from my experience so far is awesome. I can’t wait to attend a few classes and get more involved. So I’ll continue to keep you in the loop.

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From Dear Mistress on May 1st

Click to read the original question and answer

<<<UPDATE>>>

Dear Mistress,

I wanted to thank you for your recommendation of the threesome massage oil candles. They were incredible! Not only did they provide romantic ambiance, but scented the air as well, adding to the overall scene I was trying to set. But that’s not even the best part.

When it melted, the oil was the perfect temperature for pouring onto bare skin, just enough heat to get the blood pumping. The massage lasted quite long, with plenty of oil to cover all the areas that interested me. Finally, the BEST part…

The hell, yes, I’m licking it off part! I was surprised by the great taste of all three flavors. I was expecting it to have a chapstick-like taste, but it was pleasant and smooth tasting. Thank you again for the guidance. I look forward to discovering more fun products!

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From Dear Mistress on January 23rd

Click to read the original question and answer

>>>UPDATE<<<

Dear Mistress,

It seems like forever ago since I walked into my first munch. I remember being so nervous. I remember PM’ing you from my car for that last minute push of confidence.

I made a deal with myself as I walked in the door that I would introduce myself to the first ten people, and then I would find a place to sit and strike up a conversation. My plan was to arrive on time as I figured I would be one of the first people there so I could make my introductions as they walked into and get to a seat.

First munch … I met so many people!!!! Once I introduced myself to the first few people, it took off from there and soon I was being introduced as new people came into the meeting room.

Since that first munch, I have been to several different munches in my area. I have learned that each munch has a different vibe even if some of the same people overlap. I have also attended a class that the community has offered on the BDSM lifestyle protocols.

So, I have cleared the ‘vetting’ processing and am now able to attend the in-home month demo on ropes! One point that is important to make, at no point has anyone pressured me to participate in any activity. What a relief! I have been asked if I was interested, and when I explained I was only exploring at this point, it was respected.

Presently, I am not seeking a play partner, and that has been very cool with everyone that I have come in contact with in my area. There is a lot going on in my local community. I have made some new friends and am looking forward to attending my first play party (as an observer). It all started with me taking the first step and attending my first munch!

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: Produce Prurient, Crippled with Insecurity, Clearly Unclear

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Dear Mistress: Produce Prurient, Crippled with Insecurity, Clearly Unclear

Dear Faithful Followers,

Beardsley BDSM CCI’m thrilled that you have been brave enough to follow me on this journey each week. I’m overwhelmed with emotion as I sift through the submissions each week. So many of you looking for suggestions, guidance, and support. It got me thinking. I want to hear feedback from those who have asked questions.

Did you try what was suggested? How did you make out?

Did you get a new toy that was mentioned? If so, what do you think?

If you were looking for guidance entering into this lifestyle, where are you now? Let’s hear it!

Tell me what worked for you. Your experiences have the ability to help and encourage others, so let’s all be role models for each other.

With gratitude,
Dear Mistress

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Dear Mistress,

Like many others, I am reading the new EL James book, Grey. Christian mentions inserting a peeled ginger root in Ana’s ass. Ummmm… I read a lot of books, but this is a new one. Can you shed some light on this technique?

Dear Produce Prurient,

Ginger Finger for FiggingThe act of inserting ginger into someone’s anus is called “figging,” and it has been around since the Roman Empire. They were some crafty folks, huh? Initially it was used as a punishment technique for female slaves, and I’m talking clear up till the Victorian Era. It always amazes me when I find out just how resourceful people are. Did you also know that peeled ginger root was inserted into older horses to make them run around excitedly so they could be sold as younger horses? It’s true.

Let’s bring it up to the present day. And then let’s throw in kink. So now we have peeled ginger root + kink = holy burning hot and excruciating ass play!

These days, kinksters insert peeled ginger root into the anus as a form of kinky torture or punishment. The ginger can even be peeled and carved in the shape of a butt plug. When the ginger is inserted, the peeled vegetable comes in contact with the rectal tissue and creates an intense burn. The person with the ginger up their bum can lessen or intensify the burning sensation by contracting their anal sphincter muscles. The neat thing is that even though it causes such intense sensations, it causes no harm to the rectal cavity. So now you’ll never look at ginger the same way again.

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Dear Mistress,

I would be considered a plus-sized female. Even though my husband is very comfortable with my size, getting naked is very awkward for me. He gets beyond turned on and constantly wants to have sex. He is always touching me and looking at me.

However, as soon as he begins to put his hands on me it triggers some kind of insecurity in my mind and makes me self-conscious to the point where I lose focus and shut down. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he finds me sexy. It causes fights between us and I am at a loss of what to do. I need a fresh perspective on this. Thank you.

Drop-the-plus-campaign

Dear Crippled with Insecurity,

This truly breaks my heart. Insecurity is such a beast, and it will prevent you from experiencing happiness. Honestly, there really isn’t anything that I can say to improve your situation. Your ability to truly not only experience sexual pleasure, but to thoroughly enjoy it, has to come from within.

What I can tell you is this: confidence is sexiest thing you could ever wear. Your husband enjoys looking at you. He is turned on by your body, and what you do with it. Own that! That is powerful stuff, my dear.

If a man is not turned on by you, believe me, you’ll know. Take the lust that is in his eyes and channel it within yourself. No one else makes him feel that way. No one else can give him what you do. Not all men or women are attracted to the stereotype.

Sexual attraction is about so much more than the physical. Lust is a chemical reaction in your brain. You don’t have to be 36-24-36. What you do have to be is confident.

I have a suggestion. I want you to have your husband stand at the end of the bed. I want you to sit against the headboard. The first time you do this, wear nothing but a shirt so you can feel comfortable. I want you to masturbate for your husband. Tell him that he is only allowed to look you in the eye. If he looks elsewhere, you will stop. I want you to watch how aroused he becomes. Tell him that he can join you — watch him masturbate and climax by looking at you.

Now I want you to do it again. This time, remove your shirt. Drape a sheet across your midriff, exposing your shoulders, cleavage, and legs. Masturbate for him, but allow him to watch your body. Have him climax by watching you.

When you are ready, I want you to do it again, but this time remove the sheet. Allow your husband to watch you and take the sight of you in. Guaranteed, he will come faster this time. You will see what your body does to him.

Embrace the sexual power that you have. Don’t allow your insecurity to be a roadblock to your happiness.

I wish you luck and courage — and I would love for you to follow-up with me.

[products ids=”20613, 20615″]

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Dear Mistress,

What are some common misconceptions about BDSM that you could clear up? Are there really dungeons? -Clearly Unclear

Dear Clearly Unclear,

Are there real dungeons? Absolutely. There are dungeon playrooms in kink & fetish clubs, and also dungeon space that you can rent to carry out your scenes. You would be surprised to find what is in your area.

Common BDSM Misconceptions (and yes, these piss me off)

1. BDSM must include sex.

Wrong. BDSM is not about sex. It is about pushing limits, psychological control, relinquishing control, and self-expression. It’s a true power exchange.

Woman_on_Spanking_Horse CC2. Submissives are weak.

Wrong. Submissives are the definition of strength. It takes brass balls to willingly hand yourself over. If you don’t think so, try it.

3. There is ONE TRUE WAY.

Wrong. Your kink lifestyle is what you make it. You mold it to fit your needs. Yes, there are guidelines, but it’s up to you to make it your own.

4. Dominants are the only ones in control.

Wrong. A Dominant’s job is to fulfill their submissive’s needs, and in turn, satisfy their own needs. A Dominant must respect the submissive’s needs, even when the submissive calls all activity to a halt. In terms of control, the Dominant must have extreme self-control which allows them to not only take their submissive on a journey, but to also be able to make responsible decisions and judgment calls when necessary.

5. BDSM is only about pain.

Wrong. BDSM is a power exchange between two willing people, which does not necessarily involve pain. Pain can certainly be a part of it, if that is your fetish. Pain gets adrenaline pumping through the veins, which increases sensation, which leads to pleasure.

6. Dominants are male; submissives are female.

WRONG. Your role in this lifestyle is NOT defined by your gender; it’s defined by your personality and your desires. Don’t believe me? Let me show you what this female is capable of.

7. BDSM is dangerous.

Wrong. The lifestyle motto is “Safe, Sane, Consensual,” and it is not a suggestion — it’s a hard rule.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: Future Fisting Fanatic, Humiliated, Clit-Curious

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Dear Mistress: Future Fisting Fanatic, Humiliated, Clit-Curious

Dear Mistress,
My husband and I have been exploring him fisting me. I find the feeling is more intense and completely different than a regular orgasm, but I want to make sure this is safe. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Future Fisting Fanatic,
Oh, you are not alone. A lot of women (and men) love the idea of fisting. It can be safe, but you need to take precautions. I am speaking solely about vajayjay fisting — not anal fisting (that’s a topic for another day).

We all know it’s true that a very large percentage of women can’t reach orgasm through vaginal penetration alone, but have you ever wondered why? The vagina does not have a ton of nerve-endings that allow us to feel as much as we would like.

What the magical vagina does in fact have is several pressure receptors, which is why some women love the feeling of being “full.” That fullness presses on those pressure receptors and tah-dahhh…it feels GOOD.

How does this relate to shoving your hand up someone’s hoo-hah? Well, make a fist. Look at it. It’s pretty big, right? Now look at your knuckles. You have a built-in, nubby dildo attached to your body.

Let’s be real; you can’t just go shoving your fist into someone’s lady parts. You need to prep – both of you!

1) Lube. Buy it.
2) TRIM YOUR NAILS.
3) You need to get your partner really turned on. Use a vibrator, put your oral skills to the test, get her revved up.
4) When she is feeling amazing, have her take over. She’ll want to concentrate on her clit with her hand or a toy. She’s also going to be turned on just by watching you.
5) Start with one finger. Use that finger to stretch her. Add another finger. Stretch. Add another and so on.
6) Lube. When you have made a cylinder shape with four fingers, and you can easily insert those four, it’s time to move on.
7) Again, lube. And lots of it. Apply it to her. Apply it to your hand – all the way up past your wrist (go big or go home).
8) You are ready to try your hand at fisting. Tuck your pointer finger and your ring finger slightly over your middle finger. It should make a pyramid shape with your middle finger knuckle raised. Next, try to tuck your pinky and your thumb as tightly as you can. Practice. Get your hand as tight and as small as possible.
*If this method does not work for you, you can also try tucking all of your fingers in with your pointer finger at the highest point. Tuck your thumb under your pointer. You will make a shape similar to an arrowhead.
9) Enter, knuckles first. Take your time! You’re not blasting through a wall like that creepy Kool-aid man; you need to go slowly. Twist your hand slightly and be patient. She will open up for you.
10) When you feel her open for you, go in a little more. Again, SLOWLY. Getting all knuckles in is cause for celebration.
11) Once all knuckles are in, use tiny movements. Make little circles with your hand, move it back and forth, gently in and out. You’ll feel how she responds. Watch what makes her feel good.
12) If you feel brave (and I mean, you’re already brave for sticking your hand up there), try to skim your middle finger knuckle across her cervix.
13) GIVE YOURSELF A GOLD STAR!

There you have it. So who wants to go first?

 

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Dear Mistress,
I am having a hard time understanding why a Dominant get off on humiliation? Is it just a control thing?

Dear Humiliated,
Humiliation is a huge part of BDSM. Not everyone is into it. Some things you may not even consider to be humiliating, are in fact, just that. Let’s take spanking for instance. A lot of people find it erotic or exciting. However, the act of treating someone in a petulant manner by putting them over your knee and exposing their bottom is a form of humiliation.

Personally, I get off on it. I want to see someone squirm. I want to see someone in an uncomfortable position. I want to see them on all fours, crawling to me like an animal. Why do I get off on it? Because I want to see the lengths that my submissive would go to just to please me. It is absolutely a control thing.

The beauty of it is that you get to see your submissive at your mercy. In doing so, they become stronger. They try to please you, and in doing so, they sometimes put themselves into situations that forces them to overcome fears or insecurities. So you see, not all humiliation is negative. In fact, it can be very empowering for the submissive. Ultimately, your goal as a Dominant should be to make your submissive stronger.

Now drop your drawers.

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Dear Mistress,
What’s the best clit toy out there?

Dear Clit-Curious,
Let’s just get right to it. I like these…and how do I know? Because I’ve used them. You know you want one.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER, Real Life Wonderer, Pain in the Ass

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Dear Mistress: WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER, Real Life Wonderer, Pain in the Ass

Handcuffs Icon Black 64Remember that time when Dear Mistress offered a $100 giveaway for her 100th question submitted? Here’s the big winner! If this is your question, please email me (Angie) with your chosen “secret word,” and I’ll pass along your info to Dear Mistress to claim your winnings!

Dear Mistress,
I would like to explore a D/s relationship. The problem is that it is nothing my husband is interested in. He is not a Dom, nor a sub. He is a strong man, but does not enjoy the thought of being a true Dom or Master. (He would have to make decisions and be responsible for them.) I want — no, need — someone who would take control, someone who has expectations, and is willing to tell me what to do, make decisions, someone I can submit to.

I have heard that a D/s relationship doesn’t have to be sexual. That would be a deal breaker for my husband. But how do I go about finding an experienced Dom willing to train a new sub when sex isn’t on the table. I want to go about this right, keep husband happy, but I need to do this for me. Thank you for any advice you can give.

Dear WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER,
As if the winning question should be an easy one to answer – hell no. The positive to your scenario is that you are coming to a true understanding of what you need. Is this a simple question with a simple answer? Absolutely not. It is very true that a D/s relationship does not need to include sex. The control that is given is more psychological in nature. The acts of dominating and submitting answer a need within. That need can be so many different things…the desire to let go of your controlling nature, the desire to serve, to calm and clear your mind, or to feel the power you have over someone else. It’s different for everyone.

After reading your question, what I am wondering is; what are you looking to a Dominant for in regards to taking control? Is this for simple commands such as what to wear, eat, how to act, how you spend your money? Or are your needs more in-depth and emotional? Do you want your Dominant to tell you when and how you should orgasm?

Are you interested in the physical aspect of kink? Do you want them to use implements on you (floggers, crops, restraints, etc.)? All of these questions are going to determine what type of Dominant you need. In terms of “training,” your Dominant will train you to fit their needs, and of course, it needs to be
consensual.

I have to be honest, finding one is not always easy. My suggestion would be to start online and develop a relationship within someone who is looking for the same type of arrangement. You have the opportunity to interview different prospects to see if you have a connection with them and if each of your needs would work well together. I would start a profile online – possibly FetLife. Be very honest about what it is you are looking for. I would also join local groups in your community so you can attend munches to meet people in person to see if you have a connection with anyone. If you have a kink/fetish store in your area, they normally have information and fliers for local events and submissive groups that you can join for support.

I would like you to contact me so we can discuss this further. You can submit a question with your email address if you would like to keep this anonymous, or you are welcome to send me a Facebook PM. I can give you details on how to contact me. I want to help you and it is going to take more than just this
question submission to do so.

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Dear Mistress,
Did you see Fifty Shades Of Grey? Did the Red Room accurately depict the lifestyle? Can you explain what a real “red room” would look like or be called?

Dear Real Life Wonderer,
Yes, I did see the movie. Personally, I loved how they depicted Christian’s “Red Room of Pain.” In terms of how well they did bringing the book to life, I thought they did a great job. In my mind, that is very close to what I visualized. In reality, your own playroom can be whatever you want it to be. I have seen several and each is pretty similar. They are commonly called dungeons or playrooms. There are places you can rent dungeon and playroom spaces; you might be surprised to find out what is in your area.

One of the biggest aspects of a scene is creating an atmosphere that fits the scene. As a Dominant, you create and control the mood you want your submissive to experience. For me, it would be dimly lit with no outside light, all implements and bondage furniture clearly on display so your submissive has no idea what you will use, heady scents of candles burning, and there needs to be a chair for observation. When you enter this room, you immediately have the feeling that it is removed from the outside world and it forces your mind to let go of everything on the other side of the door.

Now doesn’t that sound like fun?

Here are some fun things for your own “Red Room of Pain.”

Book Bed Bench Stockade Chair

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Dear Mistress,
My hubby is obsessed with anal, but many times it can be painful for me. The toys and plugs feel very pleasurable for me, but to be honest when he inserts his average-size member, I feel as if I am going to explode from the pain. We’ve tried different lubes, plugs prior, etc. yet it still hurts. Can you give any advice on how to submit to his anal obsession that will make it more pleasurable for me? Thank you, Mistress.

Dear Pain in the Ass,
Lots of men are obsessed with anal sex. I get it. I really do. But it can really be a pain in the ass for the receiver. Some women can’t handle it, and that’s ok. There are a few things you can try to train yourself. You just need to keep in mind that you might never be able to accommodate him. It’s not a negative. It’s not a bad thing. It could just come down to physical limitations. Not everyone enjoys anal sex because it’s painful for a lot of women.

  • First – RELAX. I mean, really relax. There’s normal relaxed, and then there’s “you’re about to put what in my butt?” relaxed. Deep breaths and exhale. Exhale upon entry.
  • Second – LUBE and lots of it. They make desensitizing lubes you can try. (See below for some I recommend.)
  • Third – TRAIN. You can use an anal plug kit that has graduating sizes. You need to be sure that the largest plug in the kit is close to the diameter of your husband’s member. You can also try a dildo for anal insertion that is just a touch smaller than your husband to get you used to the sensation after plug training. See the links below on how to properly train.

Of course, I want you to succeed, but I also do not want you to be discouraged if it truly is something that you can’t do. I’m sure you can rock his world in other ways. Your husband should be happy that you’re givin’ it the old college try!

Let us help you discover the pleasures of anal toys and anal stimulation with this intro to anal kit

What you get, with this kit, are items that will help women uncover the stimulations and pleasures of anal play. This kit includes a 5pc anal trainer kit, for finding that ideal size; a desensitizing lubricant to help with ease of insertion; and a bleaching cream that helps keep your anus in pristine condition.

click here to buy from Extreme Restraints

Great Anal Vibrator!

The Inflatable and Vibrating Butt Plug is a manageable size upon insertion but, once inside, it allows you to push your own limits by simply squeezing the bulb pump until you can't take it anymore! This toy is an excellent way to train your partner for large insertions, as well. Turn on the vibrating feature of the plug and fill your slave's ass while they beg you for more. The multiple speeds make it even more fun to stretch that ass from 1.5 inches to almost 3 inches in diameter.

click here to see it on Extreme Restraints

Work your way up to backdoor bliss, with the Crystal Jellies Anal Starter Kit! Perfect for beginners, each plug features a flat comfortable base for easy wearability, while the pronounced head and smooth shaft is sure to make for some jellie jammin' satisfaction! The small plug is 1" in width with a 3" usable length, medium is 1.5" in width with a 4" usable length, while large offers a 2" width with a 5" usable length. These jellies can be worn alone or used with any o-ring compatible harness. Available in Pink, Clear, and Purple. Made of phthalate-free body-safe material, with Doc Johnson's antibacterial Sil-A-Gel formula.

click here to buy on Eden Fantasys

A great 2-Pack for anal care! LIGHTEN-UP™ Anal Lightener uses a gentle cream formula to provide an even, natural skin tone and radiant skin illumination. RELAX™ Anal Relaxer has a natural water-based formula that warms and relaxes anal muscles for easy entry. LIGHTEN-UP™ Anal Lightener boasts Aloe and Vitamin E, while RELAX™ Anal Relaxer uses a water-based formula that is both Lidocaine and Benzocaine Free.

click here to get it from Eden Fantasys

Ease into anal play with the Ass Relax Desensitizing Lubricant

The Ass Relax is designed to help those who are just getting into the pleasures of anal play. The formula glides on easily creating a light numbing effect. Utilize this lube to make anal play more stimulating and enjoyable.

click here to get it on Extreme Restraints

A toy from the Silk line is the perfect choice for a first dildo. This line will allow you to safely try a new experience and not feel awkward or embarrassed about purchasing an extreme toy. The Silks are available in three sizes and are a sensual delight that glide in perfectly smooth. Beautiful in simplicity, the Silk Large comes in 2 feminine colors and in black. The Silks are perfectly safe to use as dilators as well.

click here to get it from Tantus

Training Advice: Anal Training 101 – Beginner’s Guide To Anal Preparation

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: Coconuts, Triple Player, Lifestyle Curious

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Dear Mistress: Coconuts, Triple Player, Lifestyle Curious

Dear Mistress,
My question today is about coconut oil. I know that latex condoms are not to be used alongside oils, but have read some people feel this does not apply to coconut oil. So my question is how do you feel about coconut oil mixed with latex? Also, how about just coconut oil as a stand-alone lube?

Dầu dừaDear Coconuts,
Just like apple cider vinegar, coconut oil seems to be the answer for everything these days. It’s a super, long-lasting lubricant, massage oil, hair moisturizer, and has even been shown to have anti-fungal properties that can help keep yeast infections at a distance. However, I have read that it should NOT be used with latex since it can break it down. Some people still use it with latex toys and condoms. Me? I would rather protect my investments and err on the side of caution.

If you want to give it a try, just be sure to select a coconut oil that is all natural without any added ingredients or preservatives. There is always a chance you or your partner could be allergic to it, so be sure to test it on your arms or legs before getting busy…because ouch.

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Dear Mistress,
What toy would you suggest that penetrates the vagina as well as stimulates the clit and anus? Does such a thing even exist?

Dear Triple Player,
Aren’t you just a greedy go-getter. There’s a word for you and I think it’s “overachiever.” I KID.

shockerAre you surprised that such a toy does in fact exist? Not just one — MANY. Who doesn’t want a toy called “The Stinger?” You know you’re curious.

I’m including a bunch to pick from because no two masturbators are alike…or is that snowflakes? Whatever. Happy triple diddling!

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Dear Mistress,
Does a couple involved in the BDSM lifestyle always engage in kinky sex, or are there some times where it’s vanilla and calm?

Dear Lifestyle Curious,
Let me start by saying that just because a couple is into BDSM, it does not necessarily mean it includes anything sexual. BDSM is not about sex. Can it be? Yes, only if you want it to be.

Sex, before anything else, is about emotions and communication. You have different moods, wants, and needs on any given day. Maybe you want to communicate your emotions with a hard slap on the ass…maybe you want to communicate with a warm hug. Just because someone loves kink does not mean they don’t enjoy some vanilla sex. It might not give them the same reaction and endorphin release that they get from being caned, but variety is the spice of life. Vanilla sex is awesome in its own right.

Think of it this way; sometimes you walk up to the ice cream shop counter and you feel like having a banana split because you want that sundae to rock your world seven ways to eternity. Other times you walk in and just want the warm comfort of a hot, delicious Belgian waffle, stuffed with vanilla ice cream and sprinkled with powdered sugar. Does that mean that waffle is any less satisfying or delicious? Nope. It’s just what you needed at that time (especially if you have fucking cramps).

Now I want a banana split AND a Belgian waffle stuffed with ice cream. Maybe I should just take a Midol and call it a day.

These are things that would make me feel better (and yes, in this order — I’m bitchy):

Give the gift of Treatsie artisan sweets!

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Don’t Forget! The Best of Dear Mistress $100 giveaway is still open!

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}[/box_light]

Best Of Dear Mistress: She Rewards What Pleases Her

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Best Of Dear Mistress: She Rewards What Pleases Her

We’re closing in on 100 submitted Dear Mistress questions, which if you’re keeping track, is 100 kinky thoughts by many of you. I’m doing some fuzzy math here, and considering all of the thoughts that swirl around in your minds that don’t even make it out of your fingers and into a submitted question, that’s approximately eleventy-million kinkster fantasies you’re having.

Dear Mistress is SO proud of your openness to receive her advice, she’s personally offering a giveaway to the person who submits the 100th question!

»pauses for slow-clap«

You brave, kinky readers are brave enough to open yourselves up to hearing from our experienced Dominant on how to be your best kinky self. We’re not telling you exactly how many questions she has in her black box, but we’ll tell you when the 100th is submitted.  So submit as many legitimate questions as your little kinky heart desires.  Multiple questions get you multiple entries, and you know how much we like multiples.

And that special 100th question asker will win $100 worth of any and all toys, books, fun stuff you want from Amazon you choose!

Have your eye on a LELO Ina 2? It’s yours!
Want a new, sexy lingerie set? Hooray for you!
Do you need to add to your smut book collection? YOU’RE THE WINNER!

See how to enter the big giveaway at the end of this post.

Our motto around her is Be Shameless, and with the amount of questions she’s received so far, we can tell that you guys are no shrinking violets.

You’re more like Violet Beauregarde; you want your kink and you want it NOW.

Dear Mistress gathered together 5 of her favorite questions and answers. I’ve highlighted some key points in each and am including them here. You can see the full questions and answers by clicking on the links to their posts.

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Dear Unknown

Dear Mistress,
How do you know you are a submissive or dominant? Would you recommend sites like FetLife to explore the unknown?

Dear Unknown,
I speak for myself when I say that being a Dominant and having a dominant personality is a part of every thread of my being. There was never any question. The tough part for me is realizing that not everyone has it so easy. So my thought is this; if you are not actively in, or are interested in the BDSM lifestyle, you don’t really need a label.  You may just be a person who just likes occasional aggressive sex sans labels. Sometimes you like to take control and other times you don’t.

That is perfectly OK.

It’s such a personal, intimate question that I can’t tell you how you know. You need to look inside to determine what satisfies you. I found this quiz that might help you: The BDSM Selector

read the entire Q&A here

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Dear Aroused

Dear Mistress,
Pain. Why does my body react to it so hotly? In the heat of the moment sometimes I can’t even feel the pain happening. I just know it feels amazing. Why is that?

Dear Aroused,
In the BDSM world, pain is usually delivered gradually. This gradual ascension causes endorphins to be released in your body; that rush of endorphins can cause you to experience a state of floaty bliss along with heightened sexual arousal. In some cases, you don’t even feel the sensation as pain any longer. Your brain is a magical machine. Granted, everyone is different. Each person reacts differently to different sensations.

As long as you are with a partner you trust, it’s all good. Let the spankings commence!

read the entire Q&A here

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Dear Exposed

Dear Mistress,
I have a question about my Master and the things he orders me to do/not to do as part of our relationship. I can’t tell if it’s disrespectful, or just meant as humiliation, but it’s a bit public (sort of), or could be.

I want to renegotiate parts of the checklist, but am not sure how to pose it so that it doesn’t just look like I’m picking and choosing what parts of the M/s dynamic I want to follow. What should I do?

Dear Exposed,
One of the most difficult aspects of the M/s dynamic is not the unquestionable devotion that is required, but rather it’s the testing and pushing. Your Master is testing you; he is pushing you to see how far you will go for him. I am sure this is pleasing to him. Seeing you struggle with the rules gives him satisfaction because it determines the lengths you will go to please him.

This does not mean that you do not get a say. Pleasing him should make you happy. When it reaches a point where you are compromising your comfort level and it becomes a public display, it’s time to renegotiate.

read the entire Q&A here

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Dear More…Me

Dear Mistress,
Is it possible to gain confidence from submitting? I only ask because that is what has been happening to me. In the short time I have been in this relationship, I feel more secure and confident then I have in a long time. More… Me. Is this normal?

Dear More…Me,
What you are experiencing is the result of what happens when you step out of your comfort zone and find your true self. It is a beautiful realization when you come to discover that your insecurities no longer define you. Why would you want them to? You become a slave to your insecurities.

An experienced Dominant will want you to be the best possible version of yourself. They want you to be comfortable in your own skin. Submitting is not for the weak. A good Dominant will recognize your insecurities and take the necessary steps to help you move beyond them. They would want you to be strong enough to handle the emotions that come with the dynamic.

read the entire Q&A here

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Dear Baby Domme

Dear Mistress,
I think I’m kind of just getting to understand what my boyfriend wants. He likes the being told what to do. I don’t see either of us getting our kink on, but since I have a submissive personality, it makes me worry about all sorts of stuff. Will he judge me? Will he think I’m a bitch?

Dear Baby Domme,
The biggest thing is confidence. OWN IT. Confidence is SEXY. You have to remember — he wants this. So you are already in a good position.

Decide on a safeword (both of you). Safewords are not just for pain; they are used to stop all activity if it becomes necessary. There is no shame or embarrassment in needing to stop. You think there is no kink here, but ohhhhhh think about it. The kink side to this is that you are controlling all activity and his orgasm. That’s kinky and sensual at the same time.

read the entire Q&A here

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Giveaway

To enter the $100 Amazon shopping spree giveaway from Dear Mistress, you must submit a valid question to Dear Mistress here. It is a completely anonymous process, so to keep the anonymity, we ask that you include a secret word of your choosing with your question.

Once we’ve receive the 100th question, we’ll ask readers to verify the secret word so we can match the winner to her answer. Keep an eye out in the newsletter and on Facebook for the announcement and call for verification. The winner will have just 72 hours to claim the prize!

Again, this is an anonymous process, unless you are the winner. We only know the identity of the winning question asker in order to award the prize.

In addition to the valid submitted 100th question, the winner must be a Facebook fan of SBC as well as subscribe to the Shameless Book Sales newsletter.

open internationally; value up to $100USD

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}[/box_light]

Dear Mistress: Collar Curious, Faithful Subject, Electrified

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Dear Mistress: Collar Curious, Faithful Subject, Electrified

Dear Mistress,
Can you explain the concept of collaring and the different types of collars used in BDSM?

Dear Collar Curious,
Given that this lifestyle is steeped in symbolism, it is no surprise the collar is the quintessential fetish accessory to show the world to whom you belong.

Collaring is taken very seriously and is often accompanied by a ceremony. Basically, a collar is as meaningful as a wedding ring. There is a built-in hierarchy in the community. Granted, your dynamic is what you make it, but the tradition of a Master or Dominant giving their slave or submissive their collar shows just how serious the symbolism is taken. It is ownership and possessiveness in its purest form.

There are many different types of collars, but these are the most common. I am including examples, but please keep in mind that you can customize your collar to your needs.

Consideration Collar: This collar is usually given at the beginning of a potential new agreement for an agreed upon amount of time. At the end of the time limit, the participants decide to either take their relationship to the next level or move on from each other.

Training Collar: This collar is the natural next step after the Consideration Collar. It represents the evolution of the relationship and is an indication that the slave or submissive is now being trained by their M/D in the manner they choose. There is usually a contract that accompanies this collar.

Ownership Collar: This is the pinnacle for ownership. This collar has the highest value and should be treated with respect. It should not be given without serious consideration and thought. This collar is usually accompanied by collaring ceremony. It’s a clear indication that you belong to your M/D.

Protection Collar: Every once in a while, a submissive needs assistance with an agreement gone wrong, or they are new to the lifestyle and do not want to be taken advantage of. The Protection Collar is given to a submissive by the protecting M/D and is sometimes engraved with a “P” or the M/D’s initials. It’s an indication that the submissive is not to be approached without permission.

Play Collar: Not only aesthetically pleasing, this is also a highly functional collar that is worn during a scene. They are usually made of thick leather and feature strong metal D-rings. This collar allows the M/D to attach chains, leashes, or other implements. In addition to functionality, they can also be used to indicate the beginning and end of a scene. They are put on and taken off only by the M/D.

Posture Collar: The Posture Collar is not only aesthetically pleasing as well, it can be used by the M/D to restrict neck movement, and to improve the posture of their s/s if they see fit.

Public/Day Collar: Let’s be honest, your typical BDSM collars are not always acceptable out in the vanilla world. The Public/Day collar is used for casual, daily wear in place of other collars. It can be a choker, necklace, bracelet, or other various types of jewelry. Look closely…you may be looking at an s/s and not even realize it.

Slave Collar: This collar is given to a slave by their Master. They are usually permanent and may never be removed. They can only be removed by their Master. Dedication as its finest.

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Dear Mistress,
Thank you for all of the product suggestions and links you’ve provided. I have tried two of your recommendations so far. The Icicles Glass Flogger Whip is fantastic. Great quality and it does exactly the work I wanted it to. The magnetic nipple ball clamps — well I don’t think I can quite describe them without needing some me time. So, yeah thanks again for those!

I am currently looking for massage candles. Something with a sensual fragrance, that doesn’t completely assault your nose. Any favorites you could suggest?

Dear Faithful Subject,
Well, I am both flattered and proud of you. I love feedback. I want feedback. Thank you for following up with me. I mean, I can suggest products till the cows come home, but it’s nice to know they are being used.

Enough fluff. Let’s get down to business. Here are some great suggestions for you. These are not only easy on the nose, but are hot enough to make your partner jump at your demand. I am also including some massage oils in lieu of candles in case you find yourself in a setting that does not allow a candle to be used.

Hey, I’m thorough. And I expect feedback, obviously.

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Dear Mistress,
My partner has recently mentioned an interest in electro-play. Having no experience in that area, I was hoping you could give me a recommendation of some mild, safe tools to use. Thank you.

Dear Electrified,
Electro-play seems to be all the rage lately. There has been a lot of talk about it recently. The biggest name that I am sure you are familiar with is the Violet Wand. They are the go-to brand for all things electro-kink (I made term that up). Electro-play is not to be entered into lightly. You need to be serious about it and do your homework. You can seriously injure yourself and your partner – and I don’t think you want to do that.

The kit that I am recommending is gentle enough for simple sensation play that will allow you to play with a soft current all the way to a serious ZAP. There are additional attachments that you can explore – both for external and internal use (woah!). Check this one out…it has the basics plus 5 additional heads so you can get creative. Happy zapping!

Helpful Information:

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}[/box_light]

Dear Mistress: Emphatic Reader, Baby Domme, Nitty Gritty

Now Reading
Dear Mistress: Emphatic Reader, Baby Domme, Nitty Gritty

Dear Mistress,
I’ve read A LOT of BDSM books. In some of the books, a Dominant will release a submissive, but will find him/her a new Dominant. Is this fact or fiction in real life?

Dear EMPHATIC Reader,
I love that you read A LOT. I discussed releasing a submissive previously and the issues that arise. It can be a very emotional, traumatizing event and something that is not to be taken lightly.

A responsible Dominant will make sure the submissive breaks from the relationship with as few emotional scars as possible. It is perfectly normal for the Dominant to continue to guide the submissive to ensure they do not become destructive or fall victim to poor rebound decisions. This includes not only continuing to mentor, but to also interview new candidates for the submissive. Does it always happen? No. Should it? In my opinion, yes.

Further reading:
How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive: A Practical Guide to Making Your Fantasies a Reality

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Dear Mistress,
I think I’m kind of just getting to understand what my boyfriend wants. He likes the being told what to do. I don’t see either of us getting our kink on, but since I have a submissive personality, it makes me worry about all sorts of stuff. Will he judge me? Will he think I’m a bitch?

Dear Baby Domme,
Well, you don’t want to bark (unless you like puppy play — I mean, it might be your thing). You want to be firm, direct, and in control; there is a huge difference.

The biggest thing is confidence. OWN IT. Confidence is SEXY. You have to remember — he wants this. So you are already in a good position.

Decide on a safeword (both of you). Safewords are not just for pain; they are used to stop all activity if it becomes necessary. There is no shame or embarrassment in needing to stop. You think there is no kink here, but ohhhhhh think about it. The kink side to this is that you are controlling all activity and his orgasm. That’s kinky and sensual at the same time.

Take it slow. Start with easy commands that let him know YOU are in charge. Start with confidence building outside of the bedroom first. It’s very hard to tell someone how to be confident when it goes against who they are, so I would start by giving him small commands.

As he obeys you, it helps to build your confidence. For example, tell him text you every hour on the hour and in one sentence, he has to tell you something he wants you to do to him.

This serves two purposes:

  1. You know where his head is at, and
  2. It gives you ideas on what to do to him at a later time, hence controlling the activity.

To take it a step further, consider making yourself come in front of him while he watches. That is the ultimate in control. Tie his hands behind his back. He can only watch and listen. Or, no hands and no eyes — he can only listen to you and imagine what you are doing. Talk to him while you do it. After you come, remove his blindfold and restraints and tell him that he has to fuck you and describe to you what he imagined.

Is it hot in here? Woof woof!

Further reading:
The Mistress Manual

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Dear Mistress,
I’ve been reading BDSM books, but I’m tired of the fluff. I don’t want Fifty Shades of Hearts and Flowers. I want real. I want intense. Can you please share some nitty gritty recommendations?

Dear Nitty Gritty,
Damn, ok…you asked nicely, so let’s do this! Of course I have recommendations; this is Shameless Book Club after all. I even consulted with Lina, SBC’s go-to gal for all your kink reading recommendations. We won’t steer you wrong.

Mephisto Series by SBC Elite Author Annabel Joseph:

Hardcore BDSM with Master/slave theme, loaning out to a different Master. Lots of edging and orgasm denial, mind fucks, and sadism.

As She’s Told by Anneke Jacob

From the blurb: “The ideal D/s relationship for Anders and Maia is nothing less than total power exchange: no games, no negotiations, no safewords.”

You know that As She’s Told is not a hearts and flowers, glitter kink type of story.

Owned and Owner by Anneke Jacob

This is SciFi, a different world with complete power exchange, complete slavery. It is extreme. Very hot for the hardcore lovers. There’s even some pony play (though that’s not a prominent theme).

Carrie’s Story by Molly Weatherfield

Carrie’s story has has total power exchange, pony play, puppy play, secret slave societies & auctions, all the far out stuff!

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}[/box_light]

Dear Mistress: Striking Out, More… Me, Fantasy Lover

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Dear Mistress: Striking Out, More… Me, Fantasy Lover

Dear Mistress,
Is there a go-to place you use for BDSM toys and bondage? I’m looking for a three-ring cock ring in metal, and I’m striking out.

Dear Striking Out,
No need to worry – Dear Mistress has your back, or your cock, rather. Since there are a few options that can fit your description, I’m going to be mighty thorough and provide all of them.

Extreme Restraints is my go-to mecca for all things kinky. Take a look at these fun, sadistic options and let me know what you think.

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Dear Mistress,
I recently got involved in a D/s relationship where I am the submissive. It is something I have craved for quite some time. While I am very controlling in my everyday life, the urge to be controlled in the bedroom has always been something I longed for.

One of my biggest issues in fulfilling this need was my insecurities. I have major body image issues. I have not loved myself in quite some time, and the thought of someone else seeing me — the whole me — was enough to make me run and hide. I have started making changes in my life, refocusing on me. I decided to take the leap I have been denying myself for so long and submit.

My question is this: Is it possible to gain confidence from submitting? I only ask because that is what has been happening to me. In the short time I have been in this relationship, I feel more secure and confident then I have in a long time. More… Me. Is this normal?

Dear More… Me,
What you are experiencing is the result of what happens when you step out of your comfort zone and find your true self. It is a beautiful realization when you come to discover that your insecurities no longer define you. Why would you want them to? You become a slave to your insecurities.

An experienced Dominant will want you to be the best possible version of yourself. They want you to be comfortable in your own skin. Submitting is not for the weak. A good Dominant will recognize your insecurities and take the necessary steps to help you move beyond them. They would want you to be strong enough to handle the emotions that come with the dynamic.

I feel that some people are under the impression that submitting is only about handing yourself over — and it is — but it is also about finding yourself, owning it, and becoming more confident. Your new-found confidence is a gift to your Dominant, and they should be incredibly proud to see you bloom in front of their eyes.

“She found herself at his feet. This was where she belonged. This was who she was. She would never look further than his feet.”
The Saint: The Original Sinners Book 5 by Tiffany Reisz

Recommended reading: Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

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Dear Mistress,
The world of BDSM is very fascinating. But, it’s also a little confusing. I know what a unicorn is in mythology, but what is a unicorn in BDSM? I’ve seen the term used a lot on Fetlife and I’m curious.

[Editor’s note: Have you read the Unicorn Smut that Debra Anastasia wrote for me? You must!]

Dear Fantasy Lover,
Have you ever seen a unicorn in reality? Probably not. Well, a BDSM “unicorn” in the community is just as rare. In the lifestyle, it refers to a single, unattached, eager, bisexual woman who wants to play with a M/F couple equally — not preferring one person over the other. She can usually be seen hanging at the munch bar with Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.

[box_light]

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}[/box_light]

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