Dear Mistress: Adventurous Neophyte, Title Curious, Vanilla Bean, Disrespected

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Dear Mistress: Adventurous Neophyte, Title Curious, Vanilla Bean, Disrespected

Dear Mistress

Angelica Kauffmann - Portrait of a Woman Dressed as Vestal Virgin - WGA12101So, I never had a boyfriend in person (only online) so that pretty much means I haven’t done the “deed” yet. I joined FetLife to look around and learn more, and this girl I chatted with is looking for another “baby girl” for her Dom. They are in a relationship. I exchanged messages with both of them and they are interested in me joining them.

My problem is I’m a very jealous person. I told this to him and he said that me and her will be treated equally. If I do accept their offer, he would like to get to know more about me so he can decide which collar he’ll give me.

They are not rushing me at all. I’m glad about that because I don’t want to make a decision without thinking everything through. I’m interested, but I know it won’t end well for me. I think I’ll always feel second. I know I should decline, but I don’t get what’s stopping me. Even if I do decline, I’d still meet her and maybe we’ll be better off as friends. Any advice will be much appreciated.

Dear Adventurous Neophyte,

First, let me say that I commend you for searching for what you want and being brave enough to ask for advice. Second, taking that huge step should be done on your terms and when you feel completely comfortable. If you are a jealous person, that type of dynamic will do way more harm than good. If you can be friends with them WITHOUT OBLIGATION, I would suggest that instead. That will allow you to learn more about the lifestyle so you can decide what is best for you.

Jumping into the BDSM world can seem really fun and exciting because it’s new and everything is amplified. It’s a lifestyle that is filled with pushing limits and sensation, but what a lot of folks don’t understand is the commitments are even more intense than that of a traditional marriage. Accepting a collar so quickly is a HUGE red flag for me – a big no-no in my book – and something that I’m strongly against for someone who is just starting to explore. You need to find out which dynamic appeals to you the most and will fulfill you.

My advice is to do your homework. Go to munches. Meet lots of folks. The right dynamic for you will become evident in time. More importantly, give the gift of your virginity (not only your submission, if that is what you decide you want) to someone who earns it and will be focused on you 100%. You only get to do that once. I’m always here if you want to talk.

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Dear Mistress, 

How do you know when a Dom is a true Dom? Do they just come out and tell you? Or is there a proper way of telling someone?

Dear Title Curious,  
I would hope that the person you are speaking with would be honest with you. Normally, a true Dominant’s personality will give it away 9 times out of 10 – at least that has been the case with my experience. If you are referring to their role in the lifestyle, you can ask questions that will help you learn their history or what they are into.Hello My Name is Mistress

If you are looking to interview new potential Dominants, I would ask for a history and also references from friends, other Dominants, past submissives, and also anyone they have mentored. Because there are so many frauds these days and people who assume the title without earning the title, I completely understand your concern. This is your safety that is being put on the line, so don’t be afraid to ask for references.

As for a “proper” way to tell someone, that depends on the situation. If it is just casual conversation, I would think that once you are comfortable enough with someone, it should feel very natural to tell them what you are. If it doesn’t, they probably don’t need to know. If you are active in the BDSM community and attend munches, chances are someone’s role/title will be included when you are introduced to them. We tend to like to make our roles known in the beginning. It is not uncommon to meet someone and hear, “This is John. He is the Master of so-and-so…,” that way you know right away who belongs to Master John, which also serves as a warning not to approach John’s slave/submissive.

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Dear Mistress, 

I am what you would call a newbie – or vanilla – to this lifestyle. It excites me to read about the lifestyle and to follow people who are part of this lifestyle, however I have no clue where to begin to become part of this lifestyle. I do not have a partner at this time and have not for a while, but I do know that I want more than what I have had in the past. What and where would you suggest a vanilla person start?

VanillaDear Vanilla Bean,

I think it’s wonderful that you are going through a period of self-discovery. If you can figure out what you DO want, that is half the battle. As I have discussed in the past, it is best to jump into the lifestyle by meeting and talking with people in your local community.

Get started by joining an online community such as FetLife and search for your local events. You can attend munches in your area, which are casual get-togethers in a vanilla setting. They are no-pressure, friendly events that will allow you to meet others in your local community. You can even message the organizer ahead of time so they know you are new and can fill you in on what to expect. Don’t be afraid to do this. Generally, people in the BDSM community are very welcoming and they want you to feel comfortable.

You can also visit your local kink/fetish/sex shops. You will usually see fliers posted for local events. That is another great way to get information in advance.

If you are uneasy with any of the above, please let me know and I can talk to you personally or put you in touch with others who have just ventured into the lifestyle by using the same means – and have had great success.

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Dear Mistress, 

My Sub keeps hinting that she wants more dominance, however she has a hard time being the Sub that she thinks she is.

For example, I have to travel for my job and be gone for a week or two at a time. When talking to her on the phone I told her she did not tell me she loved me when had a brief conversation earlier. I know she does, but I like to hear it. When I questioned her about it on the follow up phone call after her evening had settled down, she got a snappy attitude with me. When I let her know that tone is not ok, she threatened to hang up on me. We’ve been married 10 years and have children together so it isn’t an option to get a new Sub. Correct me if I am wrong but I am pretty sure that is not how any of this works.

Dear Disrespected,

You are 100% correct. That is not how it works. My first observation: it’s “submissive” with a lowercase “s.”

If she wants more dominance from you, she needs to understand that her actions have consequences, especially if she is not respecting the dominance you are displaying already. If both of you have a clear understanding of what is and isn’t allowed, there should be no question. My personal motto:

A submissive is only as strong as the Dominant empowers them to be. 

My second observation of the situation is that she does not respect you in that role. If she did, she would want to please you. Ultimately, a good submissive wants to please her Dominant more than anything. That is clearly not the case here. So, you either need to have a serious sit-down to discuss her attitude, or step it up on your end by punishing infractions appropriately, which will make it very clear to her that her behavior is unacceptable and that brats will not be tolerated. Or (and this is a real possibility) she needs to admit that this dynamic is not for her. It might not be. She might not be a natural submissive and you might not be a natural Dominant. I would hate to see you jeopardize your marriage if the dynamic is truly not for you.

If you need to speak to me about appropriate punishments, please contact me. I will be happy to do so.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress

Dear Mistress: WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER, Real Life Wonderer, Pain in the Ass

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Dear Mistress: WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER, Real Life Wonderer, Pain in the Ass

Handcuffs Icon Black 64Remember that time when Dear Mistress offered a $100 giveaway for her 100th question submitted? Here’s the big winner! If this is your question, please email me (Angie) with your chosen “secret word,” and I’ll pass along your info to Dear Mistress to claim your winnings!

Dear Mistress,
I would like to explore a D/s relationship. The problem is that it is nothing my husband is interested in. He is not a Dom, nor a sub. He is a strong man, but does not enjoy the thought of being a true Dom or Master. (He would have to make decisions and be responsible for them.) I want — no, need — someone who would take control, someone who has expectations, and is willing to tell me what to do, make decisions, someone I can submit to.

I have heard that a D/s relationship doesn’t have to be sexual. That would be a deal breaker for my husband. But how do I go about finding an experienced Dom willing to train a new sub when sex isn’t on the table. I want to go about this right, keep husband happy, but I need to do this for me. Thank you for any advice you can give.

Dear WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER,
As if the winning question should be an easy one to answer – hell no. The positive to your scenario is that you are coming to a true understanding of what you need. Is this a simple question with a simple answer? Absolutely not. It is very true that a D/s relationship does not need to include sex. The control that is given is more psychological in nature. The acts of dominating and submitting answer a need within. That need can be so many different things…the desire to let go of your controlling nature, the desire to serve, to calm and clear your mind, or to feel the power you have over someone else. It’s different for everyone.

After reading your question, what I am wondering is; what are you looking to a Dominant for in regards to taking control? Is this for simple commands such as what to wear, eat, how to act, how you spend your money? Or are your needs more in-depth and emotional? Do you want your Dominant to tell you when and how you should orgasm?

Are you interested in the physical aspect of kink? Do you want them to use implements on you (floggers, crops, restraints, etc.)? All of these questions are going to determine what type of Dominant you need. In terms of “training,” your Dominant will train you to fit their needs, and of course, it needs to be
consensual.

I have to be honest, finding one is not always easy. My suggestion would be to start online and develop a relationship within someone who is looking for the same type of arrangement. You have the opportunity to interview different prospects to see if you have a connection with them and if each of your needs would work well together. I would start a profile online – possibly FetLife. Be very honest about what it is you are looking for. I would also join local groups in your community so you can attend munches to meet people in person to see if you have a connection with anyone. If you have a kink/fetish store in your area, they normally have information and fliers for local events and submissive groups that you can join for support.

I would like you to contact me so we can discuss this further. You can submit a question with your email address if you would like to keep this anonymous, or you are welcome to send me a Facebook PM. I can give you details on how to contact me. I want to help you and it is going to take more than just this
question submission to do so.

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Dear Mistress,
Did you see Fifty Shades Of Grey? Did the Red Room accurately depict the lifestyle? Can you explain what a real “red room” would look like or be called?

Dear Real Life Wonderer,
Yes, I did see the movie. Personally, I loved how they depicted Christian’s “Red Room of Pain.” In terms of how well they did bringing the book to life, I thought they did a great job. In my mind, that is very close to what I visualized. In reality, your own playroom can be whatever you want it to be. I have seen several and each is pretty similar. They are commonly called dungeons or playrooms. There are places you can rent dungeon and playroom spaces; you might be surprised to find out what is in your area.

One of the biggest aspects of a scene is creating an atmosphere that fits the scene. As a Dominant, you create and control the mood you want your submissive to experience. For me, it would be dimly lit with no outside light, all implements and bondage furniture clearly on display so your submissive has no idea what you will use, heady scents of candles burning, and there needs to be a chair for observation. When you enter this room, you immediately have the feeling that it is removed from the outside world and it forces your mind to let go of everything on the other side of the door.

Now doesn’t that sound like fun?

Here are some fun things for your own “Red Room of Pain.”

Book Bed Bench Stockade Chair

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Dear Mistress,
My hubby is obsessed with anal, but many times it can be painful for me. The toys and plugs feel very pleasurable for me, but to be honest when he inserts his average-size member, I feel as if I am going to explode from the pain. We’ve tried different lubes, plugs prior, etc. yet it still hurts. Can you give any advice on how to submit to his anal obsession that will make it more pleasurable for me? Thank you, Mistress.

Dear Pain in the Ass,
Lots of men are obsessed with anal sex. I get it. I really do. But it can really be a pain in the ass for the receiver. Some women can’t handle it, and that’s ok. There are a few things you can try to train yourself. You just need to keep in mind that you might never be able to accommodate him. It’s not a negative. It’s not a bad thing. It could just come down to physical limitations. Not everyone enjoys anal sex because it’s painful for a lot of women.

  • First – RELAX. I mean, really relax. There’s normal relaxed, and then there’s “you’re about to put what in my butt?” relaxed. Deep breaths and exhale. Exhale upon entry.
  • Second – LUBE and lots of it. They make desensitizing lubes you can try. (See below for some I recommend.)
  • Third – TRAIN. You can use an anal plug kit that has graduating sizes. You need to be sure that the largest plug in the kit is close to the diameter of your husband’s member. You can also try a dildo for anal insertion that is just a touch smaller than your husband to get you used to the sensation after plug training. See the links below on how to properly train.

Of course, I want you to succeed, but I also do not want you to be discouraged if it truly is something that you can’t do. I’m sure you can rock his world in other ways. Your husband should be happy that you’re givin’ it the old college try!

Let us help you discover the pleasures of anal toys and anal stimulation with this intro to anal kit

What you get, with this kit, are items that will help women uncover the stimulations and pleasures of anal play. This kit includes a 5pc anal trainer kit, for finding that ideal size; a desensitizing lubricant to help with ease of insertion; and a bleaching cream that helps keep your anus in pristine condition.

click here to buy from Extreme Restraints

Great Anal Vibrator!

The Inflatable and Vibrating Butt Plug is a manageable size upon insertion but, once inside, it allows you to push your own limits by simply squeezing the bulb pump until you can't take it anymore! This toy is an excellent way to train your partner for large insertions, as well. Turn on the vibrating feature of the plug and fill your slave's ass while they beg you for more. The multiple speeds make it even more fun to stretch that ass from 1.5 inches to almost 3 inches in diameter.

click here to see it on Extreme Restraints

Work your way up to backdoor bliss, with the Crystal Jellies Anal Starter Kit! Perfect for beginners, each plug features a flat comfortable base for easy wearability, while the pronounced head and smooth shaft is sure to make for some jellie jammin' satisfaction! The small plug is 1" in width with a 3" usable length, medium is 1.5" in width with a 4" usable length, while large offers a 2" width with a 5" usable length. These jellies can be worn alone or used with any o-ring compatible harness. Available in Pink, Clear, and Purple. Made of phthalate-free body-safe material, with Doc Johnson's antibacterial Sil-A-Gel formula.

click here to buy on Eden Fantasys

A great 2-Pack for anal care! LIGHTEN-UP™ Anal Lightener uses a gentle cream formula to provide an even, natural skin tone and radiant skin illumination. RELAX™ Anal Relaxer has a natural water-based formula that warms and relaxes anal muscles for easy entry. LIGHTEN-UP™ Anal Lightener boasts Aloe and Vitamin E, while RELAX™ Anal Relaxer uses a water-based formula that is both Lidocaine and Benzocaine Free.

click here to get it from Eden Fantasys

Ease into anal play with the Ass Relax Desensitizing Lubricant

The Ass Relax is designed to help those who are just getting into the pleasures of anal play. The formula glides on easily creating a light numbing effect. Utilize this lube to make anal play more stimulating and enjoyable.

click here to get it on Extreme Restraints

A toy from the Silk line is the perfect choice for a first dildo. This line will allow you to safely try a new experience and not feel awkward or embarrassed about purchasing an extreme toy. The Silks are available in three sizes and are a sensual delight that glide in perfectly smooth. Beautiful in simplicity, the Silk Large comes in 2 feminine colors and in black. The Silks are perfectly safe to use as dilators as well.

click here to get it from Tantus

Training Advice: Anal Training 101 – Beginner’s Guide To Anal Preparation

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}

Dear Mistress

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