A Special Edition Of Dear Mistress

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A Special Edition Of Dear Mistress

It’s come to my attention that there are some false impressions – both from pop culture and in online discussions – on what it means to be in a BDSM relationship. I feel it is my responsibility to educate others about the BDSM lifestyle.

Below are some reminders on what it means to be in a BDSM relationship. I’ve used masculine pronouns to stand in for a Dominant and feminine pronouns for submissive throughout, though I’d like to make it clear that females can be Dominants and males can be submissives.

1) Your safety should never be compromised. NEVER. EVER.

2) Yes, it absolutely is 100% HIS fault if you feel unsafe – experiencing anxiety is no joke. Love yourself more.

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3) JUST LIKE RESPECT, SUBMISSION IS EARNED. Ladies… no respectable and responsible Dominant would EVER risk your safety or withhold personal information if they want to earn your submission. Love yourself more.

4) Submission is a GIFT. Ladies, DO NOT hand yourselves over or agree to submit unless there is 100% trust on both sides. Respect yourself more. Love yourself more.

5) Just because someone says they are a Dominant does not mean that they are one. Trust me when I say this – we are not a dime a dozen. True Dominants are not common. There is not an abundance of Dominants. The amount of posers that I see is unbelievable. Guaranteed there are more people who are true submissives than there are true Dominants; I’m talking about the ones who are responsible and capable of handling the massive responsibility that comes with this role. You need to check references and do your homework before EVER agreeing to submit. If your “Dom” (cringe) will not prove themselves, give references, or agree to 100% disclosure, walk the other way. Love yourself more.

6) Please understand the significance of collaring. Please. Don’t EVER accept or even think of accepting a collar from someone without knowing them completely. They need a chance to learn you. They need to EARN your trust and submission. Yes, the concept of collaring is sexy and it’s alluring and it may be something that you want. BUT… it’s not a game or something to be taken lightly.

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In terms of your emotional well-being, it’s more serious than marriage. Your Dominant should present you with their collar when you are both ready. Anything other than that is immature and disrespectful to the meaning. Expecting less than that is wrong. Love yourself more.

7) Asshole Dominants who don’t respect their submissives are an insult to my kind. They make it difficult for those who are ready to submit and want to pursue this type of relationship. Lack of respect for this lifestyle is offensive to me. Asshole Dominants gives me and my fellow Dominants a bad name.

Ask questions. Demand answers. Never hand yourself over to anyone who has not earned the right to own you.

LOVE. YOURSELF. MORE.

About Dear Mistress
Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25+ years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

Dear Mistress: Emphatic Reader, Baby Domme, Nitty Gritty

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Dear Mistress: Emphatic Reader, Baby Domme, Nitty Gritty

Dear Mistress,
I’ve read A LOT of BDSM books. In some of the books, a Dominant will release a submissive, but will find him/her a new Dominant. Is this fact or fiction in real life?

Dear EMPHATIC Reader,
I love that you read A LOT. I discussed releasing a submissive previously and the issues that arise. It can be a very emotional, traumatizing event and something that is not to be taken lightly.

A responsible Dominant will make sure the submissive breaks from the relationship with as few emotional scars as possible. It is perfectly normal for the Dominant to continue to guide the submissive to ensure they do not become destructive or fall victim to poor rebound decisions. This includes not only continuing to mentor, but to also interview new candidates for the submissive. Does it always happen? No. Should it? In my opinion, yes.

Further reading:
How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive: A Practical Guide to Making Your Fantasies a Reality

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Dear Mistress,
I think I’m kind of just getting to understand what my boyfriend wants. He likes the being told what to do. I don’t see either of us getting our kink on, but since I have a submissive personality, it makes me worry about all sorts of stuff. Will he judge me? Will he think I’m a bitch?

Dear Baby Domme,
Well, you don’t want to bark (unless you like puppy play — I mean, it might be your thing). You want to be firm, direct, and in control; there is a huge difference.

The biggest thing is confidence. OWN IT. Confidence is SEXY. You have to remember — he wants this. So you are already in a good position.

Decide on a safeword (both of you). Safewords are not just for pain; they are used to stop all activity if it becomes necessary. There is no shame or embarrassment in needing to stop. You think there is no kink here, but ohhhhhh think about it. The kink side to this is that you are controlling all activity and his orgasm. That’s kinky and sensual at the same time.

Take it slow. Start with easy commands that let him know YOU are in charge. Start with confidence building outside of the bedroom first. It’s very hard to tell someone how to be confident when it goes against who they are, so I would start by giving him small commands.

As he obeys you, it helps to build your confidence. For example, tell him text you every hour on the hour and in one sentence, he has to tell you something he wants you to do to him.

This serves two purposes:

  1. You know where his head is at, and
  2. It gives you ideas on what to do to him at a later time, hence controlling the activity.

To take it a step further, consider making yourself come in front of him while he watches. That is the ultimate in control. Tie his hands behind his back. He can only watch and listen. Or, no hands and no eyes — he can only listen to you and imagine what you are doing. Talk to him while you do it. After you come, remove his blindfold and restraints and tell him that he has to fuck you and describe to you what he imagined.

Is it hot in here? Woof woof!

Further reading:
The Mistress Manual

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Dear Mistress,
I’ve been reading BDSM books, but I’m tired of the fluff. I don’t want Fifty Shades of Hearts and Flowers. I want real. I want intense. Can you please share some nitty gritty recommendations?

Dear Nitty Gritty,
Damn, ok…you asked nicely, so let’s do this! Of course I have recommendations; this is Shameless Book Club after all. I even consulted with Lina, SBC’s go-to gal for all your kink reading recommendations. We won’t steer you wrong.

Mephisto Series by SBC Elite Author Annabel Joseph:

Hardcore BDSM with Master/slave theme, loaning out to a different Master. Lots of edging and orgasm denial, mind fucks, and sadism.

As She’s Told by Anneke Jacob

From the blurb: “The ideal D/s relationship for Anders and Maia is nothing less than total power exchange: no games, no negotiations, no safewords.”

You know that As She’s Told is not a hearts and flowers, glitter kink type of story.

Owned and Owner by Anneke Jacob

This is SciFi, a different world with complete power exchange, complete slavery. It is extreme. Very hot for the hardcore lovers. There’s even some pony play (though that’s not a prominent theme).

Carrie’s Story by Molly Weatherfield

Carrie’s story has has total power exchange, pony play, puppy play, secret slave societies & auctions, all the far out stuff!

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

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DISCLOSURE: SBC, LLC and ShamelessBookClub.com, as well as our social media outlets, contain affiliate marketing links, which means we may receive paid commission from the retailer on sales of those products or services we write about. Our editorial and opinion content is not influenced by advertisers or affiliate partnerships.

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