It’s come to my attention that there are some false impressions – both from pop culture and in online discussions – on what it means to be in a BDSM relationship. I feel it is my responsibility to educate others about the BDSM lifestyle.

Below are some reminders on what it means to be in a BDSM relationship. I’ve used masculine pronouns to stand in for a Dominant and feminine pronouns for submissive throughout, though I’d like to make it clear that females can be Dominants and males can be submissives.

1) Your safety should never be compromised. NEVER. EVER.

2) Yes, it absolutely is 100% HIS fault if you feel unsafe – experiencing anxiety is no joke. Love yourself more.

credit GQ

3) JUST LIKE RESPECT, SUBMISSION IS EARNED. Ladies… no respectable and responsible Dominant would EVER risk your safety or withhold personal information if they want to earn your submission. Love yourself more.

4) Submission is a GIFT. Ladies, DO NOT hand yourselves over or agree to submit unless there is 100% trust on both sides. Respect yourself more. Love yourself more.

5) Just because someone says they are a Dominant does not mean that they are one. Trust me when I say this – we are not a dime a dozen. True Dominants are not common. There is not an abundance of Dominants. The amount of posers that I see is unbelievable. Guaranteed there are more people who are true submissives than there are true Dominants; I’m talking about the ones who are responsible and capable of handling the massive responsibility that comes with this role. You need to check references and do your homework before EVER agreeing to submit. If your “Dom” (cringe) will not prove themselves, give references, or agree to 100% disclosure, walk the other way. Love yourself more.

6) Please understand the significance of collaring. Please. Don’t EVER accept or even think of accepting a collar from someone without knowing them completely. They need a chance to learn you. They need to EARN your trust and submission. Yes, the concept of collaring is sexy and it’s alluring and it may be something that you want. BUT… it’s not a game or something to be taken lightly.

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In terms of your emotional well-being, it’s more serious than marriage. Your Dominant should present you with their collar when you are both ready. Anything other than that is immature and disrespectful to the meaning. Expecting less than that is wrong. Love yourself more.

7) Asshole Dominants who don’t respect their submissives are an insult to my kind. They make it difficult for those who are ready to submit and want to pursue this type of relationship. Lack of respect for this lifestyle is offensive to me. Asshole Dominants gives me and my fellow Dominants a bad name.

Ask questions. Demand answers. Never hand yourself over to anyone who has not earned the right to own you.

[su_box title=”About Dear Mistress” box_color=”#d40000″ radius=”1″]
Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25+ years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

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Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.[/su_box]

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