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The Lady in Charge is at her desk with quill in hand, ready to make your life better with the advice you’re craving.

She recently opened a Facebook Page she’d like you to follow.


Now, do as you’re told: read today’s column.

Reward will come.

Dear Mistress,

What is the softest material that a flogger can be made from and where can they be purchased? There are so many to choose from on the website you recommended (Extreme Restraints) that I am at a loss. This would be a flogger for beginners.

Dear Flogger Novice,

Thank you for your question. Venturing into the world of flogging can be intimidating because there are so many styles to choose from. I would start with something made of suede with wide falls. Suede is a soft but substantial material that will give you a softer impact with a thuddy feel. The wider the falls, the more blunt the impact. The thinner the falls, the more stingy the impact. You want to select a quality piece – and keep in mind that a handmade, quality flogger can cost in the hundreds.

You will need to take care in your delivery when using it because even a suede flogger can have a serious impact. I will suggest a training video for you as well.

Since you’re just starting out, these are great options for you that won’t break the bank.

Dear Mistress Recommends

Dear Mistress,

I recently had a heart attack completely unexpected. I will be on a blood thinner for one year. Is there any way I can still enjoy a flogging or spanking? Blood thinners make you bruise extremely easy.

Dear Flogger Novice,

I hope you are feeling better and are on the mend. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV.

Talk to your doctor and be honest with them. Blood thinners come with serious risks.

It would be irresponsible of me to suggest anything,  that if done incorrectly or if there is a mishap, could lead to a life-threatening situation. Take care of yourself first. The kink can wait.

Dear Mistress,

I am a fairly young sub/bottom. I’ve been getting more and more involved in the lifestyle over the past few years, and trying to have new experiences. Being fairly short for a guy, I’ve always had a thing for humiliation and being physically dominated/overpowered, especially by bigger women.

I’ve been attending these public kink events, and over the past few months, seem to have somehow attracted the attention of a couple of Dommes in attendance who always seem keen to humiliate me by pushing me down and then sitting on my chest, usually straddling me with my arms under their shins, or trapped between their thighs and my sides for extended periods of time. Sometimes even more than one Domme will take turns doing this in succession, while they proceed mock and taunt me, and even slap my face a little and spit on me.

I feel like I should be in heaven, but I actually have mixed feelings about it. The experience of being helpless, and The sensation of being sat on/pinned while exciting, can also be a little unsettling. And the view of them towering over me can be a little scary as well, as it makes me feel quite vulnerable. But I know I would miss it if it stopped.

I guess I’m just confused as to how I can have such mixed emotions about this. Is it normal to feel this way?

Dear Seat Cushion,

Thank you so much for writing to me. What you are feeling is normal no matter if no one else has ever felt that way before. These are your authentic reactions and they are honest and beautiful.

Let me start by asking if these Dommes have discussed what is and what is not acceptable to do to you. Have limits been discussed and decided on before this activity takes place? Are there house safewords to protect all individuals? If so, the safewords and limits should give you a sense of comfort that the activity has been arranged, and you have a safety net in place to stop all activity if you suddenly wish to do so.

If safewords and limits have not been discussed, that is an entirely different conversation, and one that you need to have with these individuals and the event organizers immediately. That sort of behavior is irresponsible and should be monitored by the dungeon monitors.

As far as your personal feelings, where you feel drawn to this activity, but also have a sense of fear and unease, I think it would be good to explore what exactly gives you pleasure and what does not. Then take a look at where you draw that line between pleasure and fear. That’s not to say that a bit of fear and unease in itself is not pleasurable, as some people need that rush of adrenaline. You may not. Is there a step that goes too far that you can recognize so you can make changes in the future?

Could your sense of being uneasy stem from deep-rooted guilt over not being truly comfortable with the activities your soul desires? Are you wanting to be at their mercy, but then panicking when you can’t stop it? Could you be uncomfortable with wanting humiliation or could you possibly see it as a weakness? I say that because it is something that I have experienced these emotions. Working on self acceptance really helps.

I would love to speak with you again.

Your feelings are normal. Your feelings are valid.

Dear Mistress Recommends

Dear Mistress,

How do I begin trying to be a real-life sub for a Mistress?

Dear Cute & Curious

You just took the first baby step. Congratulations.

The best way to start by discovering your local kink community. Talk to the organizers and owners of your local club (if you have one). You’ll find that us kinky folk love to talk, help, and share information.

You can try sites like FetLife and Alt, but be warned. There seems to be more frauds lurking than you can comprehend. Online dynamics are a real thing, but there are so many horror stories of people getting taken advantage of. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

It’s best to find local events called ‘munches’ (see explanation here) and meet other like-minded people. If you can’t find them, call or visit your local sex/kink store. There are usually fliers and pamphlets. The owners will most likely know where they are held.

Talking and exploring in person, attending round table discussions, and working with a mentor are the best ways to learn. You may find that you don’t want to submit to a Mistress, maybe you won’t want a dedication dynamic, but rather just want casual play, or want to explore a Mommy/little dynamic. There are so many options with BDSM; it’s truly not a ‘one size fits all’ lifestyle.

Once you meet people, you’ll get a good sense of with whom you click and what intrigues you.

Good luck and let me know if I can help further.

Dear Mistress Recommends

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

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Dear Mistress 2020: Volume 1

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