Dear Mistress,

From reading BDSM books, I’m really interested in the milder side — like nipple clamps, spanking, that sort of thing. But I have the lowest pain tolerance of anyone I know. If he pulls my hair, I want to punch him in the junk. So, am I better off in fantasy land or trying? Thanks!

Dear Junk Puncher,

I’ll start off by saying that junk punches, while effective, are no fun. And I highly doubt that your significant other will be of much use if he is writhing in pain, so we need to come up with a solution for you — and him!

Are you in fantasy land? Absolutely not. There are quite a few things to try. BDSM activities don’t have to be painful. You can have the same erotic experiences sans tears and junk punches.

My suggestion for you would be to try light bondage and sensation play before moving on to spanking and nipple clamps. I would try different scenarios of being restrained. Tell your SO you want him to bind your wrists and ankles so you are at his mercy. That feeling of vulnerability is hot and addictive.

If pain ain’t your game, let’s try sensation in the form of hot wax. Not hot enough to burn your skin, but hot enough to make you squirm and turned on. There are great waxes that turn into massage oil, so that gives him the perfect segue to using his hands on your skin.

Another option is the use of ice or another cold element (such as freezing a metal chain and dragging it over the skin). Introducing heat and cold awaken the senses — especially if blindfolded. Your SO can tease you. The more favorably you respond, the more you receive.

Floggers are another great way to introduce sensation. Floggers are often misunderstood, and they do not have to hurt. If you’re looking to experience the gentle side of a flogger, go for one that is made of soft suede or deerskin. The longer and wider the falls (tail), the heavier the impact. The smaller and thinner the falls, the stingier the impact. Going with a wide, soft, suede flogger will allow your SO to drag it over you and occasionally lightly slap the falls against your skin. The sudden sensation will warm your skin and bring blood to the surface, which will increase your sensitivity.

These activities can give you the power exchange that you are looking for; use your imagination! Little by little, the activities can become more intense as you build up a tolerance. We can continue our discussion at a later time. No junk punches needed (for now).

Click on the following props to buy and learn more about the ones discussed (some links are NSFW): 

7 Piece Beginner Bedroom Bondage Kit (including blindfold)
Sensual Massage Candle
Soft Suede Flogger


Dear Mistress,

How did you get introduced into the lifestyle?

Dear Inquisitive,

1 score and 6 years ago, a teenage girl was playfully wrestling with her much larger boyfriend. The boyfriend was being very annoying and the teenage girl was getting mighty pissed. He challenged her to move him by force and alarm bells went off, church bells rang, lightbulbs flickered, and a choir of angels sang in unison…”This is the answer you have been looking for!

It actually wasn’t that dramatic, but it felt so at the time. With that challenge, my kink life was born. Through trial and error, we came up with different activities to try. It was clear very early on that I needed to be in control and BDSM would give me a way to channel that need. Since this was before social media, it was difficult. We met like-minded folks in the city, in back rooms of alternative stores and clubs. It was a matter of who you knew and if you were ballsy enough to pick their brain. Lucky for me, I’m ballsy.

In the beginning, I was learning and playing. I did not earn or deserve the title of “Mistress” until my early 20’s when I was mature enough to handle the responsibility of properly owning a submissive/pet. Here we are, all these years later, and I thank my lucky stars for that challenge (and that I still have a special angel that sings in my ear).


Dear Mistress,

Have you ever have a sub shut down emotionally on you? Such as not really feeling they’re alive inside. What have you done to reverse this if you have?

Dear Emotional & Curious,

This question is very concerning to me. Are you referring to a submissive experiencing “sub drop” which is an emotional state that can happen after an intense session? It can be described as an “endorphin crash” with feelings of depression, loneliness and despair, or a feeling of being emotionally lost without that connection to their Dominant.

Or are you referring to a submissive belonging emotionally lost during a scene? I have experienced both.

With the first, aftercare is ESSENTIAL (as it needs to be after ALL BDSM activity), meaning the Dominant needs to tend to their submissive and provide emotional and physical support. BDSM sessions can be extremely overwhelming, and the sudden stoppage of play/sensation can cause a mental and emotional reaction that can be frightening.

With the second, I’ve had a submissive use scenes and impact play to work through personal issues, almost as a form of atonement for things they had done. This was difficult to watch, but as a responsible Dominant, it’s my responsibility to understand my submissive’s emotional state and threshold to know when they have had enough. In some cases, both the Dominant and submissive act as a therapist.

Regardless of the scenario, aftercare is a must. If you are referring to something that I have not mentioned, please submit a follow-up question so we can continue this discussion.


About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

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Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

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