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Dear Mistress,

My husband and I have used nipple clamps, but he recently asked about using a clitoris clamp. What do you think? Is it worth trying?

Dear Experimental,

The simple answer is YES! If you have enjoyed the sensation that nipple clamps provide, you will flip your shit over a clit clamp. I am squirming in my chair as I type this. There are a few different styles – both for sensation and pain, and for pleasure and adornment. Both are lovely and serve their purpose.

The “clip” style (my favorite) clamps your inner labia together slightly and pulls the clit hood back, which exposes and stimulates the clitoris. You can wear this style for longer periods of time and under clothing. Try wearing it on a date and enjoy the sensation as you are constantly reminded that it is there. You’ll also have the pleasure of having your date remove it later on (wink wink).

The other style is a tweezer style that allows you to adjust the tension. This is more of a sensation/pain tool. They can be attached to a chain and tugged on to create jolts that will make you lose your mind. This style is not for extended wear since it restricts blood flow and can be extreme. Just like nipple clamps, try it out and have your partner remove it just as you are about to come. EXPLOSION.

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Dear Mistress,

I have a question about my Master and the things he orders me to do/not to do as part of our relationship. I can’t tell if it’s disrespectful, or just meant as humiliation, but it’s a bit public (sort of), or could be.

Angelina Leather Steel Boned Corset
Angelina Leather Steel Boned Corset on Hips & Curves

First, occasionally he’ll make me run out to my car (I live in a place where there are a fair amount of people outside in the afternoon) wearing something he’s ordered me to put on inside (kink wear). It may look okay on me, but I consider it something between us and don’t want to be known as that crazy girl who runs around in strange clothing. Second, he LOVES to order me to stop shaving both my legs and armpits (drives me nuts and he knows it — I mentioned that once before we started up any of the M/s part of our relationship) for months. He ordered me to stop shaving four months ago, and he won’t allow me to shave even though he knows I’m going to a work function next week and everyone will be wearing dresses.

I’ve never been in a relationship like this, and while it’s mostly M/s, I do wish this part wasn’t. I don’t like doing the humiliation part around the outside world. I want to renegotiate parts of the checklist, but am not sure how to pose it so that it doesn’t just look like I’m picking and choosing what parts of the M/s dynamic I want to follow. What should I do?

Dear Exposed,

One of the most difficult aspects of the M/s dynamic is not the unquestionable devotion that is required, but rather it’s the testing and pushing. Your Master is testing you; he is pushing you to see how far you will go for him. I am sure this is pleasing to him. Seeing you struggle with the rules gives him satisfaction because it determines the lengths you will go to please him.

This does not mean that you do not get a say. Pleasing him should make you happy. When it reaches a point where you are compromising your comfort level and it becomes a public display, it’s time to renegotiate. The moment that his testing pushes you to a place of uncomfortable anxiety and forces your private relationship into the public eye, it’s time to renegotiate. It is NOT a sign of weakness. Your feelings matter. You need to draw a line when the dynamic is no longer exciting or giving you the rush you need to be happy.

Talk to him. Explain that these small things are causing big emotional issues for you. I would tell him that everyone has a breaking point, and you would like to renegotiate so you do not reach yours. If you address it now, you will prevent resentment. If he has your best interests in mind, he will not see it as a weakness. If he does, it might be time to take a break and re-evaluate the relationship as a whole. You matter. If he gives you shit about it, send him my way and I will set him straight. Please let me know how it goes.

Novels we recommend featuring the M/s dynamic:

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Dear Mistress,

I have never been able to look my husband straight in the eye at any time when we have sex. I have always closed my eyes to focus on the feeling of it, so I really don’t know if it’s a confidence issue, or if I’m ashamed, or what the hell is going on. The sex is nothing sheer of amazing, honestly; he and I both are very playful, giving, and experimental (toys, tying each other up, and whatnot) so I don’t know what the issue is. But it’s like I just…can’t do it! I want that connection, I need it. How do I fix this?

Dear Hidden,

By unknown master (book scan) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
The emotions that I felt reading your question – wow. I admire your confidence to ask. I have to be honest and say that this is not my area of expertise. What I do know is that the eyes are the window to the soul, and making eye contact during sex intensifies your connection. You are visually seeing the effect you have on your partner. You can “check in” with them to see how they are feeling. It makes the connection go beyond just sex.

I wish I knew what to tell you. Maybe try to make eye contact and hold it – start in 3-second intervals to see how you make out. Perhaps you can ask your partner, “Does it turn you on when I look you in the eye?” I wish I could help more.

Take a look at these articles – perhaps they can give you some ideas:

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Dear Mistress,

I’ve been chatting with a guy online. He seems to really want to be dominated, and I don’t really have experience with it. Since it’s just online chats, I’ve been able to wing it a bit, but I’m not having much luck with finding ideas online.

His big turn-on is a chastity device. He wants me to set the parameters for him. I am looking for scenarios I can walk him through that will create sensual tension. Currently, he’s wearing it non-stop, except where it would cause an issue (gym locker room). I have been checking in with him regarding wellness (circulation) and monitoring to ensure he doesn’t do anything to cause himself harm.

Basically, I am a little out of my depth with this, but I am enjoying it. I need some creative ideas that are sensual torture/domination related (not any serious pain). I always felt I was someone who would like submitting to a man, never thought I would be in a reverse position. I’m enjoying the hell out of it. I can tell from your posts and comments that you truly care and are committed to helping people. I immediately thought of you when I started to feel out of my depth.

Dear Jailor,

Look at you! Jumping right into the deep end. I am so proud. Cock cages are hardcore. Do I have ideas for you? Indeed. It sounds like you have already started to have fun with the puppet strings. Let me add a layer of excitement.

I would instruct him to keep a journal. Make him report in with you. He should write his thoughts — how he feels when he wakes up, throughout his day, etc. This will allow him to be constantly aware of the cage. You will always be on his mind.

By Marcelo (por mim) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
I would also give him tasks. Tell him to imagine you stripping him naked; he’s on his back, you crawl over him and straddle his face, but he is not allowed to touch you. He can only look. As he gets to look, you lick and suck his balls. This is torture since he is caged. Men are visual and you will be stimulating him. Give him the task of thinking about you doing this to him at specific times each day, and he will set his alarm on his phone. After spending time thinking about you, he will be in serious hell. His will then do a journal entry every day after his timed task. His journal entry will be to write in detail what he wants to do to you.

You can even set up an online document so he can make his entries every day, and only you have access to it. You’ll get to read his thoughts and desires. His thoughts will inspire deeper fantasies, and you’ll be able to craft tasks based on what drives him crazy and feel out his mood at the same time.

You set the rules. You make the demands. Having a submissive in a cage is a big responsibility, and he’s obviously got masochistic blood running through him.

The important thing to look for are signs of distress. Does he seem labored to leave the journal entries? Is he begging for release? Is he making statements that the torture is not worth it? You’re not worth it? Look for dedication. You will need to reward him for tasks that he completes successfully. For example, after seven days of doing as you ask, you allow him release, but he can only come when you say so and he needs to video himself for you.

I would like you to check in with me so we can discuss your emerging roles and dynamic. Perhaps a monthly update to see how you are doing? We can discuss ideas and new ways for you to deepen your connection with him. You are both lucky to have found each other.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

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