Dear Mistress,

First, I have to say that I LOVE reading your responses every Friday! I have gained a lot of insight from the advice you have given other people.

With that said…in the last few months (maybe longer), I have become more and more interested in D/s relationships. I have come to discover that even though I feel the need to have complete control of pretty much everything in my life, I feel the need to relinquish that control when it comes to the bedroom. I’m currently in a long term (7 years) relationship with my boyfriend, and we have always spoken openly about sex with each other and he is aware of my most recent revelation. The only issue is, he seems to be hesitant about trying anything. He has always “dominated” in the bedroom, but nothing above a few spanks here and there. When I ask him about his resistance, he tells me he is worried about pushing too hard or doing something wrong and causing things to go south. What can I do to help him so that we can try to explore this without fear?

Dear Controlling,

LED_Traffic_Light CCThank you so much for the kind words. Your situation is more common than you think. The first step to a successful D/s relationship is COMMUNICATION. You need to openly discuss what you do and don’t like, what would be considered a limit, and also pacing. You can try different activities little by little and explore together. I respect the fact that your BF doesn’t want to push you too far.

But guess what? That’s what safewords are for. This is the perfect example of why safewords are so important. If a single password is too much pressure for him, start with a Green/Yellow/Red password system so he can gradually learn your thresholds. Discuss this with him. Tell him what you would like to try. The biggest thing is to tell him how much the idea of those things turn you on. He should want to please you. Maybe leave him notes with suggestions as to what you would like to try hidden in places he can stumble upon. Let the notes spark his creativity and help to build his confidence. He might surprise you! Please let me know how you make out.


Dear Mistress,

I’m so glad I am able to ask this question anonymously. I’m pretty sure that I have a biting fetish. I have always enjoyed the sensation of sinking my teeth into things, and when that is mixed into a sexual situation, it’s incredible. Do you have any advice on how to break it to a new partner without scaring them off, and is there anything you could recommend for me to use (to bite) that would give me relief?

Dear Mouthful,

Is it hot in here? Dear Mistress is a biter. I know exactly the sensation you are referring to. There is a satisfaction in sinking your pearly whites into things – especially skin. I get a rush when I feel my teeth clench. I am assuming it is the same for you.

Let’s start with the actual definition of the word “fetish.”

noun; fe·tish
: a strong and unusual need or desire for something
: a need or desire for an object, body part, or activity for sexual excitement

That accurately describes the feeling for me. How about you? Biting does not need to scare anyone off. I know the need to bite down can be overwhelming, but you need to start slowly. Talk to your partner about what you like. Give your partner examples. Have them lie back and start on their legs. Slowly bite your way north. Ask your partner to tell you when it gets to be too much. You will need to learn and respect their threshold. You will also need to be careful not to bite when you lose control. If that is an issue, I would suggest trying a Bit Gag. It’s a silicone bar that is placed between your teeth that you can bite down on whenever the urge strikes you. For added intensity, there are also Bit Gags with attached Nipple Clamps. You can attach the clamps and that sensation will make you bite down even harder – and your partner is spared (for now).


Dear Mistress,

Pain. Why does my body react to it so hotly? In the heat of the moment sometimes I can’t even feel the pain happening. I just know it feels amazing. Why is that?

Dear Aroused,

Funny how that happens, isn’t it? The thought of being spanked as a child made you run in fear. As an adult, it can have the opposite effect. Sensation and pain are contextual. The hand stroking your leg when it’s 90 degrees outside and you’re in a car with no air conditioning is uncomfortable. However, when that same strokes your leg under a table at a crowded restaurant, fireworks shoot across the sky. Change the context and your reaction to the sensation changes. The world of sexual arousal is a strange beast and pain can make that world burst with colors you’ve never seen and feelings you’ve never felt before.

[su_quote]It is only by way of pain one arrives at pleasure.
― Marquis de Sade[/su_quote]

In the BDSM world, pain is usually delivered gradually. This gradual ascension causes endorphins to be released in your body; that rush of endorphins can cause you to experience a state of floaty bliss along with heightened sexual arousal. In some cases, you don’t even feel the sensation as pain any longer. Your brain is a magical machine. Granted, everyone is different. Each person reacts differently to different sensations. The great thing is, you are in tune with your body and desires, and you allow the pleasure to take over without fear. As long as you are with a partner you trust, it’s all good. Let the spankings commence!

Take a look at these books to get an in-depth, scientific answer to your question:

The Psychology of Adult Spanking, Vol. 1, Overview : The Complex and Compulsive Nature of The Spanking Fetish and Why It Is So Psychologically Interesting

Consensual Sadomasochism : How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely
*written by a psychotherapist and a sexologist


About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

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