Hello Dear Mistress,

I have been in a relationship for 20 years and my hubby has some medical issues. I also have recently discovered that I love to be a submissive. Now we have an open marriage now because he wants me to be happy. I love him dearly. My question to you is how do I find the right Dom or Domme for myself? Where do I even look? Thank you for your help.

Dear Huntress,

Thank you for sharing your story. I know that it can be difficult to jump into the lifestyle at first and it can also be very intimidating. The best thing you can do is to find local events in your area – or nearest metropolitan city. Join pages like FetLife or Alt.com and join local community groups. Make them aware of what you are looking for. Be open and honest. Look for local meetings and munches in your area.

The best thing you can do is to leave your comfort zone and meet people face to face. It’s the best possible way to gauge your connection. You should also visit your local sex/kink/fetish stores and talk to the staff. More often than not, the store posts info for local gatherings and events. These are your people! Make friends with them!

When you do get yourself out there and you attend your first kink event. Keep your eyes and ears open. Watch people. Take it all in. You can even contact the organizer ahead of time to let them know it is your first time.

Sometimes the organizer can pair you with a veteran or a member of the staff can introduce you to others who are just like you. Be willing to go out on a limb and talk to people. You will be surprised by how open members of the kink community are. You have to remember that a lot of these people you will meet spend their days in their vanilla clothes doing their vanilla jobs and this is their time to be themselves. Most folks are anxious to share knowledge and show-off their skills. This is how you will make connections. Take advantage of that.

Once you meet some prospects, be honest about what your needs, boundaries, and limits are. Communicate. Take it SLOW. Get to know them. And don’t for one second feel that you can’t speak up and say something is not for you or that you need to move on. This is vital.

I wish you luck and I would love to hear how you make out. Stay in touch with me.


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Dear Mistress,

I have been chatting with one English man for 2 years. He is into BDSM and he wants me to trample him, use him as a Heel/Boot rest. I was shocked at the very beginning, I didn’t know that some people are into those things. I started to read and search for answers and I am very curious how to deal with that type of man. Can I really have a future with him?

He is highly educated, very posh and I do like him, but we haven’t met yet. He calls me and we just chat on Whatsapp. He wants to meet, but I don’t see his real actions. He already cancelled on me last year.

I’m so confused and don’t know how to make him meet me. He said he wants to have a holiday this year, but still no actions. Is he stringing me along? Should I trust him? How should I behave with him? We really got connected and all I want is to see him in person. Thank you so much for your time and your response.

Best regards, Sasha

Dear Sasha,

You answered some of your own questions. You can’t make anyone meet you. If they want to, they will. If they don’t, move on.

Don’t waste time on people not willing to make you a priority. I can’t tell you if he is stringing you along or if you should trust him. All I can do is tell you that if someone wants to meet you and you are important to them, they will move mountains to meet you.

As for the other kink questions, I can’t be sure if you can have a relationship with him. That is determined by your willingness and interest in fulfilling his needs, and his willingness to either set those needs aside for you or be patient with you while you learn. I will tell you that those needs are very real and if they are suppressed, it could cause issues in the future. The good thing is he was honest about them. That’s a big step. If you’re not into it, that’s OK, too.

My best advice is to not wait around for anyone. You’ll never have to convince the right person that they are right for you.

Dear Mistress,

Not sure if you can answer this or not, I read a LOT of M/M and have read several M/M BDSM and I’m curious to know if it’s ‘typical’ for the Doms to not bottom. I mean I would think that a man would have a stronger release if his prostate were being ‘pounded’ than if he’s just pounding a tight hole?

Dear Confusing,

I’m confused by the second part of your question. Is it “typical” for a male Dominant to not bottom? I don’t see why it would be typical, honestly. As a Top, they can instruct their submissive male partner to do whatever they want. If they want to get “pounded” and have their prostate massaged, they can command their submissive to do so in whichever manner they choose.

That’s the beauty of being of being the Top – they are directing the scene. However, I am not a male, so I am only speaking in terms of knowing that it is in no way demeaning to the Dominant to have their submissive cater to their needs and bend the Dominant over and do as they’re told.

If the second part of your question is referring to a prostate massage or prostate stimulation producing a stronger orgasm for a man? Again, I am not a man. But I do know that stimulating the prostate is highly pleasurable for most men (the ones who get over themselves and their fragile masculinity actually give it a chance) and (from what I have heard and read) that it provides a more stimulating, intense orgasm. Granted, everyone is different. No two people are alike. I don’t know if that answers your question.





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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

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Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.[/alert]

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