Dear Mistress,
I’m confused. Kind of. I’ll start by saying that I’m openly bisexual. I tend to see people as people and not by color, ethnicity, sex, etc. When I initially realized that the BDSM lifestyle was what I was needing in my life, I wanted to submit. I still have the utmost desire to submit, I can’t even explain how badly I want to give myself over to someone body and mind.

Since I’ve been in BDSM though I’ve been topping… but only women. I love the beauty in having a woman submit to me. I’ve become confident in being a Domme. My confusion comes from not having the desire to top a man, only women. And my desire to submit is only for a male Dom, not a woman. I used to think switches were just confused, but here I am…I think I’m a switch? But I’m confused about why I want what I want. Ughhh…help.

Dear (Not-So) Confused,
I read your question several times and I’m impressed by how well you are learning yourself. Being a Switch is a real thing, and I do believe you may identify with that role more than any other. It is not out of the ordinary to feel the desire to dominate some people and submit to others. It’s even common to feel gender-based kink desires.

The first task upon entering into this lifestyle is finding yourself and listening to your inner voice that tells you what you want. You also need to pay attention to how you respond to others. Different people — even different genders — will bring out different emotions in you. Listen to those responses. This is who you truly are. You are unique. Your desires are your own. Being a Switch is a gift. Not everyone is capable of mastering both D/s roles. Bravo!

[Editor’s Note: You’ll want to read Betting on Fate by Katee Robert about a woman who tops women and submits to men.]


Dear Mistress,
D/s does not always have to be about actual sex and/or penetration, correct?

Dear Sexless Kinkster,
110% correct. The D/s dynamic and BDSM activities in no way need to include sexual acts of any kind. BDSM sessions should only include sexual acts if it is what you want and is what you agreed upon in advance. Being dominated by or submitting to someone else doesn’t need to be sexual in nature. If anyone ever tells you that your D/s arrangement must include sex, send them to me so I can set them straight. Your kink is your own.


Dear Mistress,
I have only been with my husband as far as sexually, but I am curious to know what another man is like. I am also finding out more about what I like sexually, and hubby doesn’t seem to agree in those terms. I am at a loss of what to do.

Dear Curious,
This is something that I have been hearing more and more of lately, and it’s concerning to me. Given the recent Fifty Shades of Grey popularity explosion, it seems to me as though women are coming into their own sexually. In some cases, the men are either not on board or are uncomfortable with the changes. I’m not just talking kink; I’m referring to women becoming more sexually exploratory and confident.

I trust you love your husband, so my first suggestion would be to increase your communication. Talk to him. Write to him if it’s easier for you. Try to get him to listen and understand why you have these needs — and that they are important to YOU. He might be scared of leaving the security of his comfort zone.

He might also be afraid that he will not be able to please you. If you are considering bringing a third person into the bedroom, he might be jealous. If he is absolutely not on board with spreading his sexual wings, and you want to save your marriage, my second suggestion would be to consider sexual counselling where the two of you can sit with a mediator and discuss your concerns and fears. However, if the increased communication improves your situation, I would like you to follow up with me so we can work on some suggestions as to how to incorporate new activities into your marriage. I’m anxious to hear from you.


Dear Mistress,
What are your favorite BDSM books, and which fictional mistresses have inspired you in the bedroom?

Dear Kink Reader,
If you haven’t read The Original Sinners Series by Tiffany Reisz, I’m going to get all bossy and tell you to drop what you’re doing and READ IT. Tiffany’s series is, in my not-so-humble opinion, the most all-encompassing kink world in print. It’s a beautiful, well-written story with authentic emotions and characters. You are not only reading about the lifestyle, Tiffany immerses you completely. You must read them in order, and by the time you devour The Saint (5th book in the series), your life will never be the same. The Saint ruined me for all other books. It was like experiencing my own journey all over again. To put it simply…it’s everything.

I’m also just starting Submission Series by CD Reiss, and I have only heard great things. I mean, have you checked out the reviews? I’ll be happy to give you feedback when I finish. Wish me luck!

As for inspirations, I can’t really say that I have been inspired by any character, but I have identified with Soren and Nora from The Original Sinners. I consider them my friends (not weird at all, right?).


Dear Mistress,
I’m very turned on by many of the clothing pieces and accessory items I view in BDSM images, especially leather corsets. Being plus-sized and very curvy, I’m not sure where I can find well made pieces to invest in, but I’d really love to own a few. Thank you.

Angelina Leather Steel Boned CorsetDear Deliciously Curvy,
Aren’t you a polite little thing. I’m with you! I’m seriously turned on by kink and fetish wear. Corsets are a great choice because they are made to accentuate your curves. I’m soft and curvy, and I feel divine in a steel-boned corset. They will change the way you walk and feel. So empowering!

When selecting a corset, quality is key. If possible, stick with lined, reinforced, steel-boned styles. Pay attention to the sizing guidelines on the links I’m providing. Corsets need to fit well for them to not only do their job but to look right. Baby them, and your corsets will give you years of happiness.

Start here:

Hips & Curves: Plus Size Corsets and Bustiers
Corset Story: Corsets for Costume and Everyday Wear

Please send an update on how you made out. I’d love to hear from you.


About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

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