Giveaway below!

Dear Mistress,

I have a scene toward the middle of the book where my hero uses an “Egyptian flogger.” I did some research into various types of floggers and liked the way that one looked. Would you call it an “Egyptian flogger” if you were referring to it? I have it written as “leather,” and I wanted it to be relatively light, because it’s the heroine’s first time being flogged. Did I make a good choice? ~Tessa Bailey

Dear Tessa You-Are-Rocking-My-World-With-These-Questions Bailey,

Absolutely! The Egyptian flogger is so elegant and beautiful. It has a longer handle (similar to a crop) with a shorter cluster of falls. They’re not as heavy, so they are easier to control. If you want it to be on the softer side (impact speaking), suede will give you a nice feel without being too harsh. Rubber would make her cry like a little girl. So, I would suggest leather or suede for this instance. The Egyptian flogger is luxurious and not as severe. You can use it more for sensation, but still packs some ummf. I think it’s the perfect choice.

Crop Handled Flogger Riding Crop Horse Whip by Sade Fantasy


Dear Mistress,

My husband and I have been exploring with D/s for about a year now in our home. We would like to go to a club, however, I can’t seem to find one that is close to our town, is legitimate/decent, or it’s very restrictive. I have joined FetLife, but it has not been all that helpful either. Any suggestions to help guide us?

Dear Explorer,

I love hearing about people exploring this lifestyle. It makes me feel young again (sigh). Going to a club can be a really exciting experience, but I understand your hesitation and frustration in finding one. The truth is, a lot of really nice BDSM clubs are not advertised.

320px-Neon_Open_green CCMy first suggestion would be to either join local groups on FetLife and attend a local Munch. You will be able to talk to others in the lifestyle and get personal recommendations on where to go. Be honest about the vibe you are looking for.

My second suggestion would be to visit your local kink/sex shop. You would be surprised what you can find there. This is how I did it old school before the internet. Local clubs and groups often leave brochures and flyers for BDSM events in your area. I would also talk to the shop employees. They know what’s up! Some of the kink stores hold events/demonstrations in back rooms, and that is the perfect way to meet others in the community. Don’t be shy. There is a lot of secrecy in this lifestyle, and it can be intimidating. However, I also know that once you find other folks with the same interests, they love to talk and share. We rarely get to! Good luck and let me know how you make out. I’m always up for a new club.


Dear Mistress,

I am attending my first Munch tomorrow. As you suggested, I am connecting with the organizer to let them know that I am new. I had planned on using my real name as it is no longer online, and I would like to get to know people. Is that correct thinking? -Alexandria Sure

Dear Ms. Sure,

Hello My Name is MistressBeing out of your element is so exciting, isn’t it? I love that you are being safe. Munches are pretty casual events, and most times name tags are provided. Using your real name or a nickname is entirely up to you. You need to do what you’re most comfortable with. I have seen people use either or both. There is NO shame in using a middle name or a nickname. If people get close to you, and you are comfortable with them, you can say, “Yeah, this is my nickname… My actual name is _____.” Honestly. It’s totally up to you. I can’t wait to hear how it goes!


Dear Mistress,

I’m not sure if this is a simple question but something I always wondered about… How do you know you are a submissive or dominant? Would you recommend sites like FetLife to explore the unknown? Thanks!

Dear Unknown,

This seems like such a simple question, doesn’t it? This is, without a doubt, one of the hardest questions for me to answer because it’s such a personal question. I speak for myself when I say that being a Dominant and having a dominant personality is a part of every thread of my being. There was never any question. The tough part for me is realizing that not everyone has it so easy. So my thought is this; if you are not actively in, or are interested in the BDSM lifestyle, you don’t really need a label.  You may just be a person who just likes occasional aggressive sex sans labels. Sometimes you like to take control and other times you don’t.

That is perfectly OK.

The flip side is if you are involved in the lifestyle. In this case, I would ask yourself a few questions:

  • How does it make you feel if someone demands you do something for them sexually?
  • How does it make you feel when you think about handing yourself over to someone else’s control?
  • How would you feel if you were bound and gagged and trusting someone else with your pleasure and safety?

You can be an aggressive, dominant person in everyday life, but the thought of sexually handing yourself over to someone else turns you on or calms you. You can be a passive, timid person in daily life, but dominating someone else speaks to your soul. Listen to your heart and mind. What gives you satisfaction? Being on your knees at someone else’s mercy? Or standing over someone else, knowing the pleasure and pain they feel is in your control? Perhaps you prefer both?

It’s such a personal, intimate question that I can’t tell you how you know. You need to look inside to determine what satisfies you. I found this quiz that might help you: The BDSM Selector

Also, this book discusses developing your sexual self within the lifestyle: BDSM Primer – A Woman’s Guide to BDSM – Fetishes, Roles, Rituals, Protocols, Safety, & More (Women’s Guide to BDSM Book 1)


About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}

Scroll to Top