Handcuffs Icon Black 64Remember that time when Dear Mistress offered a $100 giveaway for her 100th question submitted? Here’s the big winner! If this is your question, please email me (Angie) with your chosen “secret word,” and I’ll pass along your info to Dear Mistress to claim your winnings!

Dear Mistress,
I would like to explore a D/s relationship. The problem is that it is nothing my husband is interested in. He is not a Dom, nor a sub. He is a strong man, but does not enjoy the thought of being a true Dom or Master. (He would have to make decisions and be responsible for them.) I want — no, need — someone who would take control, someone who has expectations, and is willing to tell me what to do, make decisions, someone I can submit to.

I have heard that a D/s relationship doesn’t have to be sexual. That would be a deal breaker for my husband. But how do I go about finding an experienced Dom willing to train a new sub when sex isn’t on the table. I want to go about this right, keep husband happy, but I need to do this for me. Thank you for any advice you can give.

As if the winning question should be an easy one to answer – hell no. The positive to your scenario is that you are coming to a true understanding of what you need. Is this a simple question with a simple answer? Absolutely not. It is very true that a D/s relationship does not need to include sex. The control that is given is more psychological in nature. The acts of dominating and submitting answer a need within. That need can be so many different things…the desire to let go of your controlling nature, the desire to serve, to calm and clear your mind, or to feel the power you have over someone else. It’s different for everyone.

After reading your question, what I am wondering is; what are you looking to a Dominant for in regards to taking control? Is this for simple commands such as what to wear, eat, how to act, how you spend your money? Or are your needs more in-depth and emotional? Do you want your Dominant to tell you when and how you should orgasm?

Are you interested in the physical aspect of kink? Do you want them to use implements on you (floggers, crops, restraints, etc.)? All of these questions are going to determine what type of Dominant you need. In terms of “training,” your Dominant will train you to fit their needs, and of course, it needs to be

I have to be honest, finding one is not always easy. My suggestion would be to start online and develop a relationship within someone who is looking for the same type of arrangement. You have the opportunity to interview different prospects to see if you have a connection with them and if each of your needs would work well together. I would start a profile online – possibly FetLife. Be very honest about what it is you are looking for. I would also join local groups in your community so you can attend munches to meet people in person to see if you have a connection with anyone. If you have a kink/fetish store in your area, they normally have information and fliers for local events and submissive groups that you can join for support.

I would like you to contact me so we can discuss this further. You can submit a question with your email address if you would like to keep this anonymous, or you are welcome to send me a Facebook PM. I can give you details on how to contact me. I want to help you and it is going to take more than just this
question submission to do so.

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Dear Mistress,
Did you see Fifty Shades Of Grey? Did the Red Room accurately depict the lifestyle? Can you explain what a real “red room” would look like or be called?

Dear Real Life Wonderer,
Yes, I did see the movie. Personally, I loved how they depicted Christian’s “Red Room of Pain.” In terms of how well they did bringing the book to life, I thought they did a great job. In my mind, that is very close to what I visualized. In reality, your own playroom can be whatever you want it to be. I have seen several and each is pretty similar. They are commonly called dungeons or playrooms. There are places you can rent dungeon and playroom spaces; you might be surprised to find out what is in your area.

One of the biggest aspects of a scene is creating an atmosphere that fits the scene. As a Dominant, you create and control the mood you want your submissive to experience. For me, it would be dimly lit with no outside light, all implements and bondage furniture clearly on display so your submissive has no idea what you will use, heady scents of candles burning, and there needs to be a chair for observation. When you enter this room, you immediately have the feeling that it is removed from the outside world and it forces your mind to let go of everything on the other side of the door.

Now doesn’t that sound like fun?

Here are some fun things for your own “Red Room of Pain.”

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The Better Built Bondage Book: A Complete Guide to Making Your Own Sex Toys, Furniture and BDSM Equipment

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Easily Stored Folding Bondage Bed

Take your bondage scene with you. This 100% portable folding bondage bed can be taken anywhere! This amazing bed has unlimited uses. When your subject is lying down, you get 360 degree access to them. This bed is ideal for sensual wax usage. No longer do you need to worry about damaging your expensive mattresses or other furniture with candle wax play. It can be used with our leather restraints and rope. It’s a perfect fit for sensual bondage or anything else your mind can imagine.

click here to see it on Extreme Restraints[/modal]

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The Extreme Punishment Bench Dungeon Furniture

The Extreme Punishment Bench is a multi-purpose bondage furniture piece designed to let you have plenty of fun with your submissive without having to obtain too many separate products. With this bench, you place your sub into a doggy position, lock them in and have them ready for receive any and all things that you have prepared. Place your sub over the waist bar to bend them over. They can place their forearms and knees on the comfortable leather padding. Secure them into the bench by locking their wrist and their ankles using the powder-coated steel cuffs. To ensure that they don’t move use the nylon straps on the leather pads to keep them fully strapped.

click here to see it on Extreme Restraints[/modal]

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Stockade with Optional Fucking Rod

This is a classic piece of bondage furniture, designed for your pleasure. This restrictive device locks the slave’s hands, ankles and neck in steel completely immobilizing them. Then the fun starts with our optional Fucking Rod. The rod screws into the steel stockade and is so versatile. It can be adjusted from a height of 14 inches to 23 inches for proper insertion. The shaft can rotate a complete 90 degrees. So you can fuck at any angle. Want to fuck at 45 degrees you can, 50 degrees no problem. There is plenty of fucking thrust, the rod slides back and forth almost 9 inches for that deep fuck. Then once you’re finished just tighten the knob on the Fucking Rod to keep it secured in their ass. Great for bondage, humiliation or just a good fuck. Stockade can be used with or without the Fucking Rod, just unscrew it from the base and put away for storage.

click here to see it on Extreme Restraints


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Bondage Chair

A new versatile chair for bondage or toilet training. Designed for the most unruly prisoners. This chair restrains the subject in a very restrictive position with no way out once locked in. The collar keeps the neck and head in a fixed rigid position. Yet it is adjustable allowing the collar to move up and down approx. 5 inches to accommodate different positions or subjects. Once the correct height is found just tighten the knob to lock in position. The steel wrist cuffs keep the subject hands out in front and the leg cuffs keep the feet firmly in place.

click to see it on Extreme Restraints[/modal]

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Dear Mistress,
My hubby is obsessed with anal, but many times it can be painful for me. The toys and plugs feel very pleasurable for me, but to be honest when he inserts his average-size member, I feel as if I am going to explode from the pain. We’ve tried different lubes, plugs prior, etc. yet it still hurts. Can you give any advice on how to submit to his anal obsession that will make it more pleasurable for me? Thank you, Mistress.

Dear Pain in the Ass,
Lots of men are obsessed with anal sex. I get it. I really do. But it can really be a pain in the ass for the receiver. Some women can’t handle it, and that’s ok. There are a few things you can try to train yourself. You just need to keep in mind that you might never be able to accommodate him. It’s not a negative. It’s not a bad thing. It could just come down to physical limitations. Not everyone enjoys anal sex because it’s painful for a lot of women.

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  • First – RELAX. I mean, really relax. There’s normal relaxed, and then there’s “you’re about to put what in my butt?” relaxed. Deep breaths and exhale. Exhale upon entry.
  • Second – LUBE and lots of it. They make desensitizing lubes you can try. (See below for some I recommend.)
  • Third – TRAIN. You can use an anal plug kit that has graduating sizes. You need to be sure that the largest plug in the kit is close to the diameter of your husband’s member. You can also try a dildo for anal insertion that is just a touch smaller than your husband to get you used to the sensation after plug training. See the links below on how to properly train.


Of course, I want you to succeed, but I also do not want you to be discouraged if it truly is something that you can’t do. I’m sure you can rock his world in other ways. Your husband should be happy that you’re givin’ it the old college try!

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Let us help you discover the pleasures of anal toys and anal stimulation with this intro to anal kit

What you get, with this kit, are items that will help women uncover the stimulations and pleasures of anal play. This kit includes a 5pc anal trainer kit, for finding that ideal size; a desensitizing lubricant to help with ease of insertion; and a bleaching cream that helps keep your anus in pristine condition.

click here to buy from Extreme Restraints[/toggle]
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Great Anal Vibrator!

The Inflatable and Vibrating Butt Plug is a manageable size upon insertion but, once inside, it allows you to push your own limits by simply squeezing the bulb pump until you can’t take it anymore! This toy is an excellent way to train your partner for large insertions, as well. Turn on the vibrating feature of the plug and fill your slave’s ass while they beg you for more. The multiple speeds make it even more fun to stretch that ass from 1.5 inches to almost 3 inches in diameter.

click here to see it on Extreme Restraints[/toggle]
[toggle title=”Crystal Jellies Anal Starter Kit”]

Work your way up to backdoor bliss, with the Crystal Jellies Anal Starter Kit! Perfect for beginners, each plug features a flat comfortable base for easy wearability, while the pronounced head and smooth shaft is sure to make for some jellie jammin’ satisfaction! The small plug is 1″ in width with a 3″ usable length, medium is 1.5″ in width with a 4″ usable length, while large offers a 2″ width with a 5″ usable length. These jellies can be worn alone or used with any o-ring compatible harness. Available in Pink, Clear, and Purple. Made of phthalate-free body-safe material, with Doc Johnson’s antibacterial Sil-A-Gel formula.

click here to buy on Eden Fantasys[/toggle]
[toggle title=”Lighten-Up and Relax Anal Kit – Lubricant”]

A great 2-Pack for anal care! LIGHTEN-UP™ Anal Lightener uses a gentle cream formula to provide an even, natural skin tone and radiant skin illumination. RELAX™ Anal Relaxer has a natural water-based formula that warms and relaxes anal muscles for easy entry. LIGHTEN-UP™ Anal Lightener boasts Aloe and Vitamin E, while RELAX™ Anal Relaxer uses a water-based formula that is both Lidocaine and Benzocaine Free.

click here to get it from Eden Fantasys[/toggle]
[toggle title=”Ass Relax Desensitizing Lubricant”]

Ease into anal play with the Ass Relax Desensitizing Lubricant

The Ass Relax is designed to help those who are just getting into the pleasures of anal play. The formula glides on easily creating a light numbing effect. Utilize this lube to make anal play more stimulating and enjoyable.

click here to get it on Extreme Restraints[/toggle]
[toggle title=”Silk Large”]

A toy from the Silk line is the perfect choice for a first dildo. This line will allow you to safely try a new experience and not feel awkward or embarrassed about purchasing an extreme toy. The Silks are available in three sizes and are a sensual delight that glide in perfectly smooth. Beautiful in simplicity, the Silk Large comes in 2 feminine colors and in black. The Silks are perfectly safe to use as dilators as well.

click here to get it from Tantus


Training Advice: Anal Training 101 – Beginner’s Guide To Anal Preparation

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

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