Dear Mistress,

I am a born dominant, but also a woman married to a very masculine “man’s man.” He will do literally anything for me and I see the submissive qualities in him pretty much everywhere. He lets me take control in the bedroom (Thank God) but I am interested in introducing some BDSM play into our relationship.

320px-Silhouetted_Domme CCHe seems interested (although I think that may have more to do with him picturing me in skin tight leather all the time) but I don’t know how to actually start/introduce this to him. He will not, under any circumstances, read anything about the BDSM lifestyle. I have also made it clear to him that I have zero interest in being submissive myself (I had to explain switching to him). Help!!!! How do I start so I don’t scare the shit out of him?

Dear Slowly but Surely,

This is a tough situation. There are some contradictions here, however, one thing is clear: you need to tread lightly. If he has no interest in reading anything about the lifestyle, you will need to go slowly. You can’t force him into anything (that’s an entirely different conversation).

I would start by sending him notes. No texts. No emails. Actual handwritten notes. This will covey your seriousness and will make him take notice to your tone. I would give him clear instructions. Perhaps tell him you want him naked in the bedroom – waiting for you in the position that you choose. Come into the bedroom and undress in front of him and leave your clothes on the bed so he can see them. Make him wait. Take a shower. Let him hear the shower run so he can mentally imagine what you’re doing. When you come out, pick up your panties and stuff them in his mouth. He’s going to watch you like a deer in headlights. Take something like a necktie and tell him you are going to tie his hands behind his back. Be sure to communicate your every move to him so he feels comfortable. Tell him that he is going to do things your way tonight. Then I want you to stroke him. Tell him he is not allowed to break eye contact with you – AND he can not orgasm until you say so. Go at your pace.

When you are finished, ask him what he thought of the experience. Ask him which parts of it turned him on. Take his answers and expand upon them. That is truly the only way you’ll be able to ease into it. You need to listen and communicate. If he responds favorably, reach out to me again and we can discuss how to proceed. Good luck!

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Dear Mistress,

Where can I find arm/leg restraints? Specifically having my legs near my head as I’m being worked over. I’m a curvy girl so I’m not interested in looking like a roasted pork loin.

Dear Bound & Basted,

I feel ya, sweetie. There are a ton of options for you. Let’s look at under-the-bed restraints, soft spreader bars, and hogties (heh…pork loin).

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Dear Mistress,

I am very submissive by nature. But how do I know if I am suited to be a submissive or a slave?

Dear Deviant Designation,

It may seem that the two roles are very similar, but they are very different. A slave is a much bigger commitment. It’s normally a 24/7, TOTAL power exchange. You hand over your free will. The slave is content with their Master/Mistress holding all the power. As long as there is trust, and you trust that your Master/Mistress would never put you in harms way OR force you to do something that is against your wishes.

As a submissive, you have more freedom for yourself. Yes, the dynamic is what you make it in any case, but the power exchange is usually for designated times or situations. You can think of it as the submissive still holds all the power. That is a fact.

If you are someone who needs their voice to be heard in all situations, being a slave might not be for you. If your desire to serve is intense and your desire to hand yourself over is off the charts, you might be a slave.

The bottom line is this: It comes down to whether or not you feel empowered giving everything up OR are you more empowered by submitting on your terms. No matter what you decide, you always have the power to safeword if you find the situation to be something you can not tolerate.

As you go through your path of self-discovery, I am here to discuss the process with you. Please don’t ever hesitate to reach out to me.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

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