Dear Faithful Followers,
I’m thrilled that you have been brave enough to follow me on this journey each week. I’m overwhelmed with emotion as I sift through the submissions each week. So many of you looking for suggestions, guidance, and support. It got me thinking. I want to hear feedback from those who have asked questions.
Did you try what was suggested? How did you make out?
Did you get a new toy that was mentioned? If so, what do you think?
If you were looking for guidance entering into this lifestyle, where are you now? Let’s hear it!
Tell me what worked for you. Your experiences have the ability to help and encourage others, so let’s all be role models for each other.
Like many others, I am reading the new EL James book, Grey. Christian mentions inserting a peeled ginger root in Ana’s ass. Ummmm… I read a lot of books, but this is a new one. Can you shed some light on this technique?
Dear Produce Prurient,
The act of inserting ginger into someone’s anus is called “figging,” and it has been around since the Roman Empire. They were some crafty folks, huh? Initially it was used as a punishment technique for female slaves, and I’m talking clear up till the Victorian Era. It always amazes me when I find out just how resourceful people are. Did you also know that peeled ginger root was inserted into older horses to make them run around excitedly so they could be sold as younger horses? It’s true.
Let’s bring it up to the present day. And then let’s throw in kink. So now we have peeled ginger root + kink = holy burning hot and excruciating ass play!
These days, kinksters insert peeled ginger root into the anus as a form of kinky torture or punishment. The ginger can even be peeled and carved in the shape of a butt plug. When the ginger is inserted, the peeled vegetable comes in contact with the rectal tissue and creates an intense burn. The person with the ginger up their bum can lessen or intensify the burning sensation by contracting their anal sphincter muscles. The neat thing is that even though it causes such intense sensations, it causes no harm to the rectal cavity. So now you’ll never look at ginger the same way again.
I would be considered a plus-sized female. Even though my husband is very comfortable with my size, getting naked is very awkward for me. He gets beyond turned on and constantly wants to have sex. He is always touching me and looking at me.
However, as soon as he begins to put his hands on me it triggers some kind of insecurity in my mind and makes me self-conscious to the point where I lose focus and shut down. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he finds me sexy. It causes fights between us and I am at a loss of what to do. I need a fresh perspective on this. Thank you.
Dear Crippled with Insecurity,
This truly breaks my heart. Insecurity is such a beast, and it will prevent you from experiencing happiness. Honestly, there really isn’t anything that I can say to improve your situation. Your ability to truly not only experience sexual pleasure, but to thoroughly enjoy it, has to come from within.
What I can tell you is this: confidence is sexiest thing you could ever wear. Your husband enjoys looking at you. He is turned on by your body, and what you do with it. Own that! That is powerful stuff, my dear.
If a man is not turned on by you, believe me, you’ll know. Take the lust that is in his eyes and channel it within yourself. No one else makes him feel that way. No one else can give him what you do. Not all men or women are attracted to the stereotype.
Sexual attraction is about so much more than the physical. Lust is a chemical reaction in your brain. You don’t have to be 36-24-36. What you do have to be is confident.
I have a suggestion. I want you to have your husband stand at the end of the bed. I want you to sit against the headboard. The first time you do this, wear nothing but a shirt so you can feel comfortable. I want you to masturbate for your husband. Tell him that he is only allowed to look you in the eye. If he looks elsewhere, you will stop. I want you to watch how aroused he becomes. Tell him that he can join you — watch him masturbate and climax by looking at you.
Now I want you to do it again. This time, remove your shirt. Drape a sheet across your midriff, exposing your shoulders, cleavage, and legs. Masturbate for him, but allow him to watch your body. Have him climax by watching you.
When you are ready, I want you to do it again, but this time remove the sheet. Allow your husband to watch you and take the sight of you in. Guaranteed, he will come faster this time. You will see what your body does to him.
Embrace the sexual power that you have. Don’t allow your insecurity to be a roadblock to your happiness.
I wish you luck and courage — and I would love for you to follow-up with me.
What are some common misconceptions about BDSM that you could clear up? Are there really dungeons? -Clearly Unclear
Dear Clearly Unclear,
Are there real dungeons? Absolutely. There are dungeon playrooms in kink & fetish clubs, and also dungeon space that you can rent to carry out your scenes. You would be surprised to find what is in your area.
Common BDSM Misconceptions (and yes, these piss me off)
1. BDSM must include sex.
Wrong. BDSM is not about sex. It is about pushing limits, psychological control, relinquishing control, and self-expression. It’s a true power exchange.
2. Submissives are weak.
Wrong. Submissives are the definition of strength. It takes brass balls to willingly hand yourself over. If you don’t think so, try it.
3. There is ONE TRUE WAY.
Wrong. Your kink lifestyle is what you make it. You mold it to fit your needs. Yes, there are guidelines, but it’s up to you to make it your own.
4. Dominants are the only ones in control.
Wrong. A Dominant’s job is to fulfill their submissive’s needs, and in turn, satisfy their own needs. A Dominant must respect the submissive’s needs, even when the submissive calls all activity to a halt. In terms of control, the Dominant must have extreme self-control which allows them to not only take their submissive on a journey, but to also be able to make responsible decisions and judgment calls when necessary.
5. BDSM is only about pain.
Wrong. BDSM is a power exchange between two willing people, which does not necessarily involve pain. Pain can certainly be a part of it, if that is your fetish. Pain gets adrenaline pumping through the veins, which increases sensation, which leads to pleasure.
6. Dominants are male; submissives are female.
WRONG. Your role in this lifestyle is NOT defined by your gender; it’s defined by your personality and your desires. Don’t believe me? Let me show you what this female is capable of.
7. BDSM is dangerous.
Wrong. The lifestyle motto is “Safe, Sane, Consensual,” and it is not a suggestion — it’s a hard rule.
About Dear Mistress
Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?
She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.
Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!
Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.
Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.
Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.