Oh, how I have missed you all! I need to apologize to my faithful readers for my absence over the last four weeks. Life gets hectic, as we all know. It feels so good to be doing this again.
I wanted to share something. I recently came to a realization. I was thinking back over the years to a time when I was much younger; a time long before the internet and social media. It got me reminiscing about the people I had met who helped to shape who I am. I took a chance and looked up a woman that I had worked with when I was a teenager, and I found her on Facebook.
I was so shocked – but probably not as shocked as she was to get my PM. I got the chance to tell her about some of the little things that she had done and said that had such a huge impact on me. She encouraged me then and, she made me feel that it was okay to not be like everyone else. And because of this very brief encounter with her, all those years ago, I felt empowered.
It dawned on me that I am still feeling the impact of it today. Even though the little things she did were really of no significance to her, she essentially, without even knowing it, pushed me to become…me. It just felt so good to say those things to her. To say thank you for being an inspiration and for the guidance she unknowingly provided. I encourage all of you… if you have someone who inspired or helped you in some way, reach out and let them know. We can all help one another. Gratitude is a beautiful thing.
So, as for my aforementioned realization, it’s a simple, yet powerful message. It’s what I will strive to be from now on.
Thank you for reading and for your patience. Always.
[section label=”Dear Skin of Steel” anchor=”steel”]
I need help and any ideas you all have. I am an extreme Masochist. I do not mark at all anymore. Do you have any ideas on how to help someone bruise? I have tried the aspirin route. Thanks in advance.
Dear Skin of Steel,
I’m right there with you. Your skin becomes resilient after a while. However, fear not! There are techniques you can try.
1) If you are going for hand marks and bruising, you want to go with squeezing or spanking. If spanking, you want to make sure you are face down, ass up. You want to stretch the skin as much as possible so it’s taut. The more you thin out the skin, the easier it bruises. You want to strike repeatedly at the crease where your ass meets your thigh.
2) You need to switch up the implements you are using and go for something that is stingier. Think flicker, canes (even a metal cane), spiked paddle, metal-tipped or chainmail flogger, knotted flogger, or even a whip. The smaller and tighter the area you are striking, the more severe the impact. The wider the surface area, and the larger the implement, the lesser the force behind the impact, which means less bruising.
3) If you still like the feel of a wider implement, I suggest a wooden paddle or hairbrush. The blunt strike of the solid wood is pretty effective. But again, you need to stretch the skin.
4) AFTERCARE! AFTERCARE! AFTERCARE! Immediately after your session, you want to cover the impacted area with a super HOT, wet towel. Press it over the area. It needs to be very hot. The hot moisture will make the blood vessels open up, which makes for a larger, darker bruise.
Give those a try (and some of the implements listed below) and let me know how you make out:
- The Tenderizer Spiked Paddle Slapper
- Stainless Steel Whipping Rod
- Round BDSM Spanking Paddle in Zebrawood Fetish BDSM Sex Gear by The Kink Factory USA
- Intrepid International Riding Whip
- Gunmetal Chain Flogger
- 5 Foot Leather Bullwhip
[section label=”Dear Newbie Punisher” anchor=”newbie”]
I have a girlfriend that wants to test out BDSM with me, but she expects punishments if she breaks the agreed upon rules. What are appropriate punishments in this lifestyle?
Dear Newbie Punisher,
Well, damn. You just got my blood pumping. It’s hard to say what types of punishments will be effective for her without knowing the rules she may be breaking.
I would start slow and easy. Give her simple tasks. Maybe pleasure her orally. Tell her that she is not allowed to make a sound. If she does, immediately stop what you are doing and slap her lady bits – hard. Keep going. She will learn that she has to do what you say to earn her orgasm.
Give her tasks throughout the day. Maybe something like she has to wear a butt plug at work for an hour. If she doesn’t follow your rules, she gets spanked over your knee, while wearing the plug. If that shows favorable responses, try harder tasks.
You can make her kneel naked on a hard surface with her back straight. If she slouches, she gets a hard slap with a crop to the nipples. If you want to go the extreme route, hold back her orgasms. Edge her repeatedly. You own her orgasm.
There are so many options; it just depends on how she responds and what you find to be effective. The punishment must always be in proportion to the rule that is being broken.
I would love to hear what works for you so we can come up with even better ideas for you. Stay in touch.
BTW, I will just throw this out there, because I see them often. You know those memes that show the naughty woman saying something like she breaks the rules on purpose to be punished? Or that she knows how to push buttons so that she is punished? Yeah. It’s not cute. It’s not funny. It’s being a brat. Do you know what that would earn from me? Your dismissal. And I am sure that’s not the punishment that type of person is looking for. End rant.
- Bdsm Basics for Beginners – A Guide for Dominants and Submissives Starting to Explore the Lifestyle
- Dom’s Guide To Submissive Training: Step-by-step Blueprint On How To Train Your New Sub. A Must Read For Any Dom/Master In A BDSM Relationship
- The Compleat Spanker
- 2 Pcs Steel Fetish Plug Anal Butt Jewelry Large +Small (Pink)
- Strict Leather Short Handle Wide Head Riding Crop
[section label=”Dear Fetish Curious” anchor=”fetish”]
I have a friend who is in a relationship with a guy, but he has a really weird fetish. She is a Sub and he has her have sex with his best friend, and that friend videos it and takes pics to send to him. He gets off watching her and the friend fucking. She has asked me what I would do, and I told her, personally, what she does in her relationship, is what she should feel comfortable with, and that I have done that but eventually I cut it off and told my man I wasn’t going to do it anymore. What would you tell her?
Dear Fetish Curious,
The bottom line is that your opinion, as well as anyone else’s opinion, doesn’t really matter. If it makes her uncomfortable, she needs to speak up. If they have a healthy D/s relationship, discussing limits should be easy and should happen often. There is ALWAYS an opportunity to renegotiate, even if it was something she agreed to previously.
His fetish is not weird; it’s just his fetish. It’s actually very common. If his fetish is not something that she can feed and be honored to do so, she should move on. His role as a Dominant should be to always have her best interests and safety in mind. Her role as a submissive – once TRUST is earned and established – is to willingly hand herself over to her Dominant for his pleasure. If that is not the case, it’s not a healthy dynamic.
As a submissive (lower case ‘s‘), she should know that she is in the power position. She drives the rules. She says what is and isn’t acceptable. She needs to learn that and fast.
Helpful reading for her:
- Care and Nurture for the Submissive – A Must Read for Any Woman in a BDSM Relationship (Women’s Guide to BDSM Book 2)
- My Other Self: Sexual fantasies, fetishes and kinks
- How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive: A Practical Guide to Making Your Fantasies a Reality
[alert variation=”alert-danger”][section label=”About Dear Mistress” anchor=”about”]
About Dear Mistress
Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?
She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.
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Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.
Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.[/alert]
By Irving Klaw (http://www.grrl.com/bpbondage.html) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
By Georges Topfer (Le Rêve d’un flagellant) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons