Dear Mistress,
Is there a go-to place you use for BDSM toys and bondage? I’m looking for a three-ring cock ring in metal, and I’m striking out.

Dear Striking Out,
No need to worry – Dear Mistress has your back, or your cock, rather. Since there are a few options that can fit your description, I’m going to be mighty thorough and provide all of them.

Extreme Restraints is my go-to mecca for all things kinky. Take a look at these fun, sadistic options and let me know what you think.


Dear Mistress,
I recently got involved in a D/s relationship where I am the submissive. It is something I have craved for quite some time. While I am very controlling in my everyday life, the urge to be controlled in the bedroom has always been something I longed for.

One of my biggest issues in fulfilling this need was my insecurities. I have major body image issues. I have not loved myself in quite some time, and the thought of someone else seeing me — the whole me — was enough to make me run and hide. I have started making changes in my life, refocusing on me. I decided to take the leap I have been denying myself for so long and submit.

My question is this: Is it possible to gain confidence from submitting? I only ask because that is what has been happening to me. In the short time I have been in this relationship, I feel more secure and confident then I have in a long time. More… Me. Is this normal?

Dear More… Me,
What you are experiencing is the result of what happens when you step out of your comfort zone and find your true self. It is a beautiful realization when you come to discover that your insecurities no longer define you. Why would you want them to? You become a slave to your insecurities.

An experienced Dominant will want you to be the best possible version of yourself. They want you to be comfortable in your own skin. Submitting is not for the weak. A good Dominant will recognize your insecurities and take the necessary steps to help you move beyond them. They would want you to be strong enough to handle the emotions that come with the dynamic.

I feel that some people are under the impression that submitting is only about handing yourself over — and it is — but it is also about finding yourself, owning it, and becoming more confident. Your new-found confidence is a gift to your Dominant, and they should be incredibly proud to see you bloom in front of their eyes.

[su_quote]”She found herself at his feet. This was where she belonged. This was who she was. She would never look further than his feet.”
The Saint: The Original Sinners Book 5 by Tiffany Reisz[/su_quote]

Recommended reading: Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook


Dear Mistress,
The world of BDSM is very fascinating. But, it’s also a little confusing. I know what a unicorn is in mythology, but what is a unicorn in BDSM? I’ve seen the term used a lot on Fetlife and I’m curious.

[Editor’s note: Have you read the Unicorn Smut that Debra Anastasia wrote for me? You must!]

Dear Fantasy Lover,
Have you ever seen a unicorn in reality? Probably not. Well, a BDSM “unicorn” in the community is just as rare. In the lifestyle, it refers to a single, unattached, eager, bisexual woman who wants to play with a M/F couple equally — not preferring one person over the other. She can usually be seen hanging at the munch bar with Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.


About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.

{click here to submit your questions}[/box_light]

Scroll to Top