I like being tied up, and I like when my husband is rough. The pain is nice, but giving up control is fucking amazing. I can stop thinking for a little while. me I’m a little confused about why I can’t stop thinking about tying up my best friend and pulling out all the toys. I don’t like control in sex. I don’t like dishing out pain. But this particular fantasy is a huge turn on. What’s the deal, and what do I do now?
Dear Tied in Knots,
This is a definite conundrum. Fantasies are just that – fantasy. Each person has those secret things that turn them on. A lot of them are completely irrational and go against how we live our daily lives. And that’s okay – they’re fantasies, an alternate version of ourselves. So it makes sense to me that you would feel this way toward your friend. Maybe there is some subliminal sexual tension between the two of you, and this is how your mind deals with the frustration.
I will also add that even though you enjoy giving up control to your husband, your dynamic with him may be different than your dynamic with someone else. Different people bring out different emotions. There may be something in your husband’s personality that makes you want to submit sexually, just like there may be something in your friend’s personality that makes you want to show your aggressive, dominating side. This is how and why some individuals can master both D/s roles. They can switch depending on the dynamic with the other person. It’s definitely a gift, and you might have it.
My suggestion would be to try to be a little domineering with your husband; you take control. Try it and see if you enjoy it. If you do, it might be very exciting for the both of you. If might also allow you to get out some underlying need that you never knew you had. You’ll never know until you try. I would love to hear more from you.
- The Fantasy Fallacy: Exposing the Deeper Meaning Behind Sexual Thoughts
- Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission
I’m sure a lot of people are wondering — are there areas that should be avoided when flogging/caning/spanking someone? I’m sure some of it is personal preference. I was thinking about this the other day because my D has flogged my stomach before (not much, just a time or two and lightly) and I hate it.
Yes, yes, yes! What’s the golden rule? SAFETY FIRST. When using implements such as floggers, canes, whips, etc., you need to be very careful. Ideally, the goal is to strike repeatedly in the same spot, then move to a different location. You can build up the intensity, and it’s a good idea to go 3-4 seconds in between strikes. The paced, repeated strikes cause endorphins to release in your body – this brings on the pleasurable side of pain.
The upper back, butt, thighs, upper shoulders, and upper arms are safe areas. You can lightly strike the breasts, genitals, and lower legs. You should be cautious around the stomach and ribs. Depending on the tool you are using, it could “wrap” as you strike and hit an unsafe area. Wrapping is when the tails of the tool wrap around a curved area of the body. The tails gain speed and hit with a harder force. You can seriously hurt someone if you are not careful. This is a common problem with newbies, and the kidneys tend to take the brunt of the pain. This can cause SERIOUS injury. I would suggest practicing on a pillow to make sure you are aiming and landing properly before attempting anything on another person.
Be sure to avoid the kidneys, center of the spine, head, face, neck, feet, and hands at all times! The feet and hands especially as they have small bones that can be seriously injured. Plus, no one wants to come out of a scene missing an eye.
As for spanking, here is a helpful diagram.
- Soft Beginner Premium Leather Flogger
- Strict Rubber Flogger
- Tough 1 Riding Crop, Blue/Black, 26-Inch
- Looped Leather Slapper
- Premium Leather Whip
- Natural Ratan Cane
About a year and a half ago, I started a FWB relationship while we were both respectively married. He since has moved out and has his own place while my situation remains the same. He has began dating (which I not only expected but have encouraged) but has been less than forthcoming on disclosing his sexual relations. I know this because he first claimed to have only slept with one woman, and then he said something that he didn’t intend to an when I called him on it he admitted having slept with two women.
I am obviously OK with him sleeping around (this is the point of living on his own), but I feel that everyone he is sleeping with is my concern since I too sleep with him. I have tried to ask why he feels the need to hide things from me when it doesn’t make a difference. I simply want to make sure he is careful with everyone, because that affects me as well.
My question is, should I end things with him because he is putting me at risk by omitting information, or am I being overly cautious and should not worry about what he does on his own?
FYI… We took a 6 month hiatus (in which he continued to pursue me and I was trying to stay committed to my marriage) and that is when all his other relations have happened. It has been several weeks since we began being FWB, and since then is when he finally admitted to sleeping with at least two women. Thanks for your advice.
Dear At Risk,
My feelings on this are pretty severe. Protecting yourself should be your number one priority. If your FWB partner is not being forthcoming with their dalliances, then I would withhold all further “benefits” until they do. If they do not respect your wellbeing, they don’t deserve to be your friend. Good luck!
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