Dear Mistress,
Rope play seems to be the “in thing.” I’ve heard two terms though: one is Shibari and the other is Kinbaku. What is the difference?

Dear Tied in Knots,
Rope play is getting a lot of exposure lately; it’s so beautiful. The Japanese have quite a way with expression, deep meanings, and symbolism. There is a good amount of confusion between the two. As I have always understood it, Shibari is simply the physical act of tying and using rope as bondage, whereas the art of Kinbaku is an expression or communication of feelings by using rope as a medium. Does that make sense? If you ever have the chance to watch a rope master at work, do so. Check with your local kink/fetish stores and clubs. You can usually find demonstrations and they are certainly worth your time.

For a better understanding, let’s consult with one of the rope masters:

Osada Steve Sensei 長田スティーブ:
[su_quote]Shibari merely describes the technical and aesthetic aspects of a traditional Japanese tie. These are the ‘hollow’ techniques that could theoretically be applied to a life-sized doll. Since the idea of Japanese-style bondage is to achieve an emotional exchange between two people through tying, there are techniques to support such an exchange, and it then is called Kinbaku.[/su_quote]

Further reading:
The Beauty of Kinbaku
The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage

Rope and implements:
Bondage Ring


Dear Mistress,
Ben-Wa Balls: pros and cons to using the loose ones versus the ones with the connected cord? Also size and weight, metal versus silicon. I would love to try them but I am 100% nervous they will get stuck, and I will be going to the hospital to have them removed. But with the ones with the connected cord, I feel you may not get the same experience.

Dear Panicked,
Ben-Wa balls have been around for, well, a long time – like since 500 A.D. — but I can’t say how many women (or men) have been sent to the ER. I can understand your fear, I really can. Having been a long time user myself, I will say that they work. Everyone seems to have a different experience with them, just like no two people experience anything in the same way. For me, they keep me strong and tight. Can I climax with them in? Nope. However, wearing them for an extended period of time will give me a delicious ache. They make taking the stairs a new experience!

Different strokes for different folks. You can get them in glass, stainless steel, chrome, silicone, etc. You can alter the temperature of the glass, stainless, and chrome, so that’s fun. I no longer use the connector cord, but I would suggest it for a beginner. I would also suggest selecting a silicone pair, at least 1” in diameter. No one wants to deal with an accidental ball rolling down your pant leg and onto the floor. The connector cord will help when you start out, and your body will adjust to them. Go about your day, do your normal routine, and your body will be clenching to hold them in. Once you feel you can function with the larger size, try them without the cord. When you can spread your knees and squat to the floor without them falling out, YOU ARE A MASTER. By the way, that is the most effective way to remove them without the cord. Spread, squat, push. Taa-dah! Out come your balls.

Once you have the squat mastered, go down to a smaller size, or try the heavier stainless or chrome sets.

Sexy suggestions for Ben-Wa ball play:

  1. Put them in the freezer before inserting them.
  2. Have your partner insert them for you.
  3. Give yourself an orgasm and then insert them immediately after. This will help to carry that pleasurable feeling with you for hours.
  4. Insert them and then use a vibrator. Touching the balls with the vibrator – HOLY. LORD.

LELO makes a great set that comes with two sizes, two different weights (with free-moving internal weights for added stimulation), and a cord. This is an excellent value and allows you the flexibility to change it up to get the sensation that you are happy with.

Ben-Wa balls:
Lelo Luna Pleasure Beads

1″ Beginner Ben Wa Balls for Kegel Exercises / Surgical Stainless Steel
Citrine Glass and Silicone Ben-Wa Balls
Spicy Union Silicone Ben Wa Balls – Orgasm Balls/Kegel Exercises


Dear Mistress,
I need double penetration advice. If we were looking into a dildo for beginner’s double penetration, what would you recommend?

Dear DP,
Well, hello there. You made me perk up. What would I recommend? Hmmm. That depends on your anal experience. Have you dabbled in anal sex? Have you experienced the joys of the butt plug? If not, that is where you should begin. You will need three things: 1) Patience, 2) Relaxation, 3) LUBE.

Shocker HandI would suggest starting with a plug kit that will get you used to the sensation of feeling full. Very full. Start with the smallest plug and use it while being vaginally penetrated. Do you like it? Do you want more? Do you feel pleasure? If so, graduate to the next size. I cannot stress enough the importance of patience and LUBE. (See the capitals?? LUBE. Your anus produces no natural lubrication at all. You need to add lube and lots of it.)

Once you feel comfortable with the sensation of fullness, you can graduate to a dildo. Again, START SMALL. No one needs a horse cock coming straight for their ass (unless that’s what you’re used to, but that’s another topic for another day), sending them running for the hills. Start with a smaller, smooth option. They even make double penetration dildos now. And, you can select a desensitizing lube that will help you prep. Here is a nice selection of products for you to try:

Anal toys:
Pink Anal Plugs

Silk Silicone Dildos
Passion Anal Desensitizing Lube with Lidocaine
Vac-U-Lock Double Penetrator

Pleasure Mechanics Guide to Anal Play for Women: How to Enjoy Pleasurable, Painless Anal Stimulation

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