Dear Faithful Followers,

Last week I asked for feedback from some of you who were seeking guidance or suggestions. Holy shit – did you guys deliver?! I am thrilled to know that some of you have either tried some of the products that I have recommended or felt empowered enough to jump into the unknown. I feel like a proud mama bird watching her fledglings balancing on the edge of the nest with shaky little legs – finally brave enough to take a leap and find their kinky wings.

Thank you for trusting me and for allowing me to give you little nudges of encouragement. Please continue to share your stories. We can all help and inspire others.

With gratitude,

Dear Mistress

New Divider 1 Line 700

From Dear Mistress on May 29th

[su_spoiler title=”Click to read the original question and answer” style=”fancy” icon=”chevron-circle”]

Dear Mistress,
I would like to explore a D/s relationship. The problem is that it is nothing my husband is interested in. He is not a Dom, nor a sub. He is a strong man, but does not enjoy the thought of being a true Dom or Master. (He would have to make decisions and be responsible for them.) I want — no, need — someone who would take control, someone who has expectations, and is willing to tell me what to do, make decisions, someone I can submit to.

I have heard that a D/s relationship doesn’t have to be sexual. That would be a deal breaker for my husband. But how do I go about finding an experienced Dom willing to train a new sub when sex isn’t on the table. I want to go about this right, keep husband happy, but I need to do this for me. Thank you for any advice you can give.

As if the winning question should be an easy one to answer – hell no. The positive to your scenario is that you are coming to a true understanding of what you need. Is this a simple question with a simple answer? Absolutely not. It is very true that a D/s relationship does not need to include sex. The control that is given is more psychological in nature. The acts of dominating and submitting answer a need within. That need can be so many different things…the desire to let go of your controlling nature, the desire to serve, to calm and clear your mind, or to feel the power you have over someone else. It’s different for everyone.

After reading your question, what I am wondering is; what are you looking to a Dominant for in regards to taking control? Is this for simple commands such as what to wear, eat, how to act, how you spend your money? Or are your needs more in-depth and emotional? Do you want your Dominant to tell you when and how you should orgasm?

Are you interested in the physical aspect of kink? Do you want them to use implements on you (floggers, crops, restraints, etc.)? All of these questions are going to determine what type of Dominant you need. In terms of “training,” your Dominant will train you to fit their needs, and of course, it needs to be

I have to be honest, finding one is not always easy. My suggestion would be to start online and develop a relationship within someone who is looking for the same type of arrangement. You have the opportunity to interview different prospects to see if you have a connection with them and if each of your needs would work well together. I would start a profile online – possibly FetLife. Be very honest about what it is you are looking for. I would also join local groups in your community so you can attend munches to meet people in person to see if you have a connection with anyone. If you have a kink/fetish store in your area, they normally have information and fliers for local events and submissive groups that you can join for support.

I would like you to contact me so we can discuss this further. You can submit a question with your email address if you would like to keep this anonymous, or you are welcome to send me a Facebook PM. I can give you details on how to contact me. I want to help you and it is going to take more than just this
question submission to do so.



Dear Mistress,

It has been an interesting few weeks! Have you ever wanted to do something just for yourself? After discussing my situation with you (Mistress) a little more in-depth, and working together to set up my online kink profile, I went to my first newcomer’s meeting and munch. They were the first things I had done for myself in YEARS.

I was nervous, anxious, excited. I had no idea what to expect. I mean, what does vanilla really mean? I had you cheering me along and giving me tips, and I walked in to a group of people who were genuinely glad to see me.

My community sponsors a newcomer’s meeting before their munch where they talk about the munches, special interest groups, classes, parties, and expectations. We also discussed rules for party nights, what kind of playing you may see, what is acceptable to wear or not wear. They made me feel so welcome.

Then came my first munch! It was a setup for the party that weekend. Everyone came in and introduced themselves. There was a lot of hugging; we were warned in the newcomer’s meeting that my community is a “huggy” bunch.

It was a blast. My community isn’t afraid to ask questions or answer them. My boobs were complimented more than once! Not in an uncomfortable way, but I felt like a sex goddess by the time I left. I have been able to build friendships with several people I met at the munch. They message to check on my day and to let me know what is going on. I have NEVER felt support like this.

I get to munch again this weekend. It will be great to see everyone again and meet a few new people.

I have really gotten a lot out of FetLife. It has let me connect to several Dominants, both online and those I met in real life. It has been a good way to chat and not give out personal information. The Dominants that I have met have been very understanding of my sticky personal situation. They have taken time to get to know what I am looking for. A few have asked me some very difficult questions that I hadn’t even thought about. It has actually been very helpful in my real life.

I didn’t realize exactly how much I missed myself. My identify isn’t dependent on someone else. That is an amazing feeling. There is one that has taken the time to get to know me. He has taken time to understand my needs and even though he has never touched me, he has made me cum in ways that I didn’t think possible. I have never felt so alive!

I’m still very new, and still have a lot to learn, but I can’t stress enough how much you have helped me when I was confused, or had questions I thought might be stupid. I also can’t stress enough how wonderful it is to do something for ME. The confidence I have gained from my experience so far is awesome. I can’t wait to attend a few classes and get more involved. So I’ll continue to keep you in the loop.

New Divider 1 Line 700

From Dear Mistress on May 1st

[su_spoiler title=”Click to read the original question and answer” style=”fancy” icon=”chevron-circle”]

Dear Mistress,
Thank you for all of the product suggestions and links you’ve provided. I have tried two of your recommendations so far. The Icicles Glass Flogger Whip is fantastic. Great quality and it does exactly the work I wanted it to. The magnetic nipple ball clamps — well I don’t think I can quite describe them without needing some me time. So, yeah thanks again for those!

I am currently looking for massage candles. Something with a sensual fragrance, that doesn’t completely assault your nose. Any favorites you could suggest?

Dear Faithful Subject,
Well, I am both flattered and proud of you. I love feedback. I want feedback. Thank you for following up with me. I mean, I can suggest products till the cows come home, but it’s nice to know they are being used.

Enough fluff. Let’s get down to business. Here are some great suggestions for you. These are not only easy on the nose, but are hot enough to make your partner jump at your demand. I am also including some massage oils in lieu of candles in case you find yourself in a setting that does not allow a candle to be used.

Hey, I’m thorough. And I expect feedback, obviously.



Dear Mistress,

I wanted to thank you for your recommendation of the threesome massage oil candles. They were incredible! Not only did they provide romantic ambiance, but scented the air as well, adding to the overall scene I was trying to set. But that’s not even the best part.

When it melted, the oil was the perfect temperature for pouring onto bare skin, just enough heat to get the blood pumping. The massage lasted quite long, with plenty of oil to cover all the areas that interested me. Finally, the BEST part…

The hell, yes, I’m licking it off part! I was surprised by the great taste of all three flavors. I was expecting it to have a chapstick-like taste, but it was pleasant and smooth tasting. Thank you again for the guidance. I look forward to discovering more fun products!

New Divider 1 Line 700

From Dear Mistress on January 23rd

[su_spoiler title=”Click to read the original question and answer” style=”fancy” icon=”chevron-circle”]

Dear Mistress,

I am attending my first Munch tomorrow. As you suggested, I am connecting the organizer to let them know that I am new. I had planned on using my real name as it is no longer online and I would like to get to know people. Is that correct thinking? -Alexandria Sure

Dear Ms. Sure, 

Being out of your element is so exciting, isn’t it? I love that you are being safe. Munches are pretty casual events, and most times name tags are provided. Using your real name or a nickname is entirely up to you. You need to do what you’re most comfortable with. I have seen people use either or both. There is NO shame in using a middle name or a nickname. If people get close to you, and you are comfortable with them, you can say “yeah, this is my nickname…my actual name is _____.” Honestly. It’s totally up to you. I can’t wait to hear how it goes!



Dear Mistress,

It seems like forever ago since I walked into my first munch. I remember being so nervous. I remember PM’ing you from my car for that last minute push of confidence.

I made a deal with myself as I walked in the door that I would introduce myself to the first ten people, and then I would find a place to sit and strike up a conversation. My plan was to arrive on time as I figured I would be one of the first people there so I could make my introductions as they walked into and get to a seat.

First munch … I met so many people!!!! Once I introduced myself to the first few people, it took off from there and soon I was being introduced as new people came into the meeting room.

Since that first munch, I have been to several different munches in my area. I have learned that each munch has a different vibe even if some of the same people overlap. I have also attended a class that the community has offered on the BDSM lifestyle protocols.

So, I have cleared the ‘vetting’ processing and am now able to attend the in-home month demo on ropes! One point that is important to make, at no point has anyone pressured me to participate in any activity. What a relief! I have been asked if I was interested, and when I explained I was only exploring at this point, it was respected.

Presently, I am not seeking a play partner, and that has been very cool with everyone that I have come in contact with in my area. There is a lot going on in my local community. I have made some new friends and am looking forward to attending my first play party (as an observer). It all started with me taking the first step and attending my first munch!

New Divider 2 Lines

[alert variation=”alert-danger”][section label=”About Dear Mistress” anchor=”about”]

About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.[/alert]

Dear Mistress

Scroll to Top