Dear Mistress,
I’m a 28-year-old male who is currently finding my feet within the lifestyle. I’ve always had an interest in Femdom and BDSM since I was a teen. A few years ago I decided to take the plunge and start getting involved in my local kink community by going out to munches, workshops and other events. I am naturally shy/introverted so I was nervous at first but ended up making a ton of wonderful friendship connections.

One thing I’ve discovered lately is that I sort of enjoy having women sit on me and use me as furniture, and I had an experience that I’d like your insights on. There is a nightclub in my area that hosts a weekly fetish event geared towards male subs and Female Dommes, and I’ve been going out to them for a while now.

The last time I was there, one of the Dommes (an older women in her 40’s) had me lie down on the floor and then sat astride my chest for awhile, while chatting with some of her friends. It was quite exciting but also a little intimidating to be in that position. She was quite tall and heavy (I am short and slim by comparison) so it felt a little intense. I was quite turned on by her willingness to just take control and boss me around like that.

At one point, in my excitement, I started touching her legs, but she grabbed my wrists and told me I wasn’t to touch her in any way, which I found puzzling, since she was sitting right on top of me but didn’t want me touching her. She kept sitting on me for what must have been at least 40 minutes while talking to her friends.

She eventually said she was bored with me and got off while they walked away. It was quite an experience and one I won’t soon forget. I plan to keep going back to these events and feel excited, and a little nervous, at what experiences may await me in the future.

Mistress C.By Cee Dee Media and Productions (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Benched,
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me and our readers. I admire your openness and willingness to take the leap into what can be a very intimidating lifestyle. From what it sounds like, you have immersed yourself completely and have no issues in exploring what makes you happy. I love hearing from people who decide to go for it.

When you put yourself in the position of a play partner or bottom at a kink event, you are in the power position. That Domme may have been sitting on you for her pleasure, but never forget that she is there because you want her there.

Using bottoms as furniture, coat racks, tables, and the like is very popular. She is obviously into humiliation and may have had insight into your fetishes and felt compelled to use you as her bench, or you simply looked appetizing to her. For her, being able to humiliate you gives her pleasure. When you touched her, you crossed a line (whether or not it was communicated to you) that she did not enjoy.

Putting you in such a demeaning position and not allowing you to touch her is how she exudes control and power. Even though she was sitting astride you, the act of your hands touching her legs may have been too intimate for that power exchange.

I know it might be difficult to understand, but we all have our limits and things that affect our psyche. This is just the same as when some Dominants will not allow kissing. Even though the act of pushing a bottom/submissive out of their comfort zones is extremely personal, the act of kissing is too intimate and can affect the mental control. Hopefully that makes sense.

Regardless of how she took control, commanded you to be her bench, or reprimanded you when you crossed a line – YOU ARE ALWAYS IN CONTROL. Please be sure the events you attend either give all attendees predetermined safewords (verbal and hand signals) to use to stop all play, if needed. Your safeword is your saving grace.




Dear Mistress,
My husband LOVES to have his nipples pinched and twisted. But sometimes my fingers can’t give him what he needs. What do you recommend? And really, it’s one nipple in particular. The other one is smaller (he used to have his nipple pierced, so one nipple is larger and more extended than the other). I don’t like pain of any kind. Sometimes I worry that it’s going to hurt him and he’s like, “NO- harder!” Any suggestions?

Clothespin after the rain
By Молли (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Nipple Torturer,
He obviously likes pain. I know it may be difficult to deliver if you do not enjoy it yourself, but you have some options to make it easier for you. What you are describing sounds like he enjoys the pinching and pulling sensations, and he wants you to bring the heat. My suggestion is to try a few toys I recommend below.

Also, if your fear of hurting him past your own comfort zone is causing issues, please consider discussing a safeword that he can use when he has had enough or if you get a surge of strength and starting ripping his nipples off. This safeword will give you confidence to proceed with enthusiasm. After all, what you’re doing to him will end up benefiting you in the end because of how turned on he’ll be. And really, that’s a win-win.

Try these – just be sure if trying clamps of ANY kind that you limit the clamp to only 10-15 minutes. They constrict blood flow and can permanently damage the nipple if left on too long. Also, he might LOVE the sensation of the nipple suction; doing this will make him even more sensitive. You can also add vibration into the mix. Use your vibrator on his nipples to get him stimulated before applying clamps or try the vibrating clamps below. Let me know what you have tried and loved.

Available on Amazon:

SINOLI Nipple Clamps and Nipple Suckers
Nipple Clamps Chain, Ldoux Nipple Clip

Available on Extreme Restraints:

Magnus Mighty Magnetic Orbs
Twisted Magnetic Nipple Clamps
Dark Passion Vibrating Nipple Clamps


Dear Mistress,
I have been in a relationship with a Dom for a few months. I am enjoying the time spent together intensely. But it’s his birthday in a month. What do Doms like as presents?

Dear Precious,
If he is anything like me, he already has his most precious gift – YOU.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

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Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.[/alert]

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