Dear Mistress Dear Mistress,
Since the release of Fifty Shades, there is much more discussion of the BDSM lifestyle. I was always curious about one aspect. Those in the lifestyle, is it 24/7, just during sexy time, or just occasionally? If you are a Dominate, Mistress, or sub, do you ever have vanilla sex too? Or is the act of BDSM what gets you off? Thanks for the insight.

Dear Curious,
You’re correct – since the release of the books (and movie), there has suddenly been an increased interest in finding out about all things BDSM. This once very shrouded lifestyle is now borderline mainstream. It’s good that some might be able to find a way to have their needs fulfilled now that more people are aware of the options, but it’s also frustrating to those of us who prefer to stay underground.

Moving on… It’s DOMINANT. Dominate is the act; Dominant is the role. As far as if the dynamic is 24/7 or only during sexy time, it can be whatever you want it to be. If you desire to live your dynamic at all times, and you have a willing partner with the same needs, that will work for you.

Dear Mistress: Curious, (M)istress, Panty Paranoid, Perfectly Normal don’t want you to confuse sexy time with BDSM. The BDSM lifestyle is not about sex. It’s about psychological control and the power exchange first. Whether or not you add sex into your dynamic is up to you. That said, anyone in the lifestyle can have vanilla sex as well as kinky sex – it’s up to them.

If your craving for dominance is solely sexual dominance, that might be what gets you off. Just keep in mind that everyone is different. Each person has different needs. Bottom line – you make your BDSM dynamic whatever you need it to be. It’s not a “one size fits all” lifestyle.

If you want to learn more about the lifestyle, this is a good place to start:

[icons icon=”right-fat” color=”#d40000″ size=”22″]Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook

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Dear Mistress,
Is my gf trying to feminize me by even suggesting me wearing her panties? Or is it in my head?

Dear Panty Paranoid,
Chances are if she wants you to put on her panties, she’s either into humiliation or she has a panty fetish; it’s not always about forced feminization. Lots of women find it incredibly sexy when they see their partner donning their silky unmentionables. It can be a huge turn-on.

Dear Mistress: Curious, (M)istress, Panty Paranoid, Perfectly Normal’ve read about the reasons behind this, and one interesting theory was because a woman’s panties are just that – hers. They don’t get worn by anyone else; rarely seen by anyone else. And they are up close and personal with the most feminine part of her body, only to be discarded into the hamper with the most primal part of her – her scent – still clinging to the fabric. She is, essentially, seeing the most intimate part of her on YOU.

I’m not saying this is the case for your girlfriend; this is just one theory. But, if this gets her off? Awesome. I would stop making this about her trying to feminize you and start giving into how pleasurable it will be for her. After all, it takes a woman with balls to admit to her partner that she wants to see them in her panties. Have fun with it and most importantly, thank her for sharing her desires with you.

Want to learn more about sexual fetishes? This is a good source:

[icons icon=”right-fat” color=”#d40000″ size=”22″]Fetish Sex: A Complete Guide to Sexual Fetishes

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Dear Mistress,
Hi there, I am the mistress to my partner and he is adament that he would now like me to knock him out. Do you think this is possible? If so, what is the safest way to achieve this? Thanks

Dear (M)istress,
Do I think it’s possible? Yes.

What is the safest way to knock him out? The safest way is to NOT knock him out. Be safe AND smart, please.


[icons icon=”right-fat” color=”#d40000″ size=”22″]As Kinky as You Wanna Be: Your Guide to Safe, Sane and Smart BDSM

Dear Mistress: Curious, (M)istress, Panty Paranoid, Perfectly Normal

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Dear Mistress,
My husband and I have a very unconventional marriage. In our day to day lives I am the dominant one. I’m the more outspoken one, I’m the one that deals with problems and making sure he is taken care of. I’m also the one that deals with other people. But at night when we finally have our alone time, he is more dominant. He takes full control in the bedroom. Why is it that our roles are reversed as soon as we’re alone? And why only sexually?

Dear Perfectly Normal,
There is nothing out of the ordinary about what you just asked. That is the way it is for a lot of couples. The “dominant by day, sexually submissive by night” role is a common one. During the day, you run the household, business, finances, etc., and you get the opportunity to let all of that go when it comes to sex. That is how you escape your mind and release stress and the multitude of obligations you have in your daily life.

Dear Mistress: Curious, (M)istress, Panty Paranoid, Perfectly Normal

The same goes for your husband. He may be more passive during day-to-day activities, allowing you or his boss (if he is not the boss) to take the lead. Doing so most likely keeps him calm. However, you are his outlet – the one who allows him to take everything that he has stored up by taking the backseat during the day, and release his suppressed aggression. Actually, the Alpha Dominant (someone who is in control of all things, at all times – personally, sexually, kink, etc.) is not as common. Most people need a release or an escape, and they find that by either submitting or dominating. What you described sounds like a very healthy balance.

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About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

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Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.[/alert]

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