I REALLY get excited when my husband gets forceful in the bedroom and other rooms. But it only happens when he gets REALLY excited. We have been married for 15 years and I trust him completely. I want it more often but don’t what to make him uncomfortable or push him to do something that he is not into. He’s the kind of guy that is gentle most of the time and spoils me rotten. (Not complaining.)
How do I get my needs met without making him feel inferior or lacking?
Dear Wanting It More,
The fact that he is already being forceful with you is a big positive. You would be surprised by how many men are not comfortable being controlling and forceful. So good for you that he is already showing promise.
The problem with men is that you can’t beat around the bush with them. Be direct. You want it? Tell him. Be honest. Believe me, your man wants to know what drives you crazy. He wants to know how to please you. AND he wants to know that he is doing a good job.
Men are not mind readers. You need to slap them across the face with what you want. I would suggest talking to him when you have him at his most vulnerable, his most turned-on, when he can do nothing other than pay attention to you.
Make him lie back on the bed. Stand at the foot of the bed and undress for him. He’ll watch you. As you undress, start to tell him what turns you on. Tell him if he moves or talks, you will stop. Trust me, he’ll listen.
Crawl up his legs, drag your breasts up his calves, and keep constant eye contact with him. At this point, he will be hard. Stroke him. Tell him how turned on you get when he gets forceful. Tell him something such as, “When you take control and fuck me like I’m your slut, it drives me crazy.” Watch his reaction.
Ask him questions and tell him to nod if he understands. Ask him things like, “Do you want to tie my hands behind my back and fuck my mouth?” Be direct. Tell him that you WANT him to surprise you. Then tell him to nod yes if he understands what you are saying.
You will have him hungry and ready to explode. Finish by telling him that you are going to stop touching him now, and you want him bring everything you told him to life.
I have read in several books about subspace. I have done further research on the subject as well. Lately I have been trying to decide if I’m interested in becoming a submissive. I must say that subspace is something that I really long to discover. I wanted to ask you if you have ever experienced subspace, and what is it like?
Dear Sneaky Freak,
I’m happy to hear that you are doing your research. I have experienced subspace many times. It’s not really something you are aware of as it’s happening, and you don’t always remember fully what took place. It depends on how intense the session is and how your body responds.
For me, I can tell when I am slipping into that state by my vision and consciousness. My vision starts to blur, almost like I can’t focus. My breathing becomes shallow. My limbs feel like they are floating. And my mind starts to experience quick gaps. Almost like when you are falling asleep and you experience those snipits of silence.
Granted, it’s different for everyone. Each person falls into subspace in a different way, brought on by different things. For me, it’s repeated, timed strikes. My brain starts to anticipate the pain and it gets foggy. Once it happens, I’m weightless. I’m euphoric. I’m centered.
When I come out of it, I usually find that I have been crying. I get dizzy and disoriented and I want to sleep.
At this point, the most important thing that needs to happen is after-care. Your Dominant needs to take care of you and make sure that you are comfortable, not injured, hydrated, and cared for. It’s not unusual for the submissive to feel lonely or abandoned, or suddenly burst into tears from the overwhelming sensations. If there is ever a time when your Dominant needs to be attentive, it’s at that time. The drop that occurs after a regular session can be intense. The drop that occurs after reaching subspace is even more so.
I wish you a lot of luck if you decide to try it. I’m always available for help, if needed.
Here are some implements that will push me into subspace:
Is there a difference between the terms Fem Dom, Domme, Dominatrix, and Mistress?
Yes, there are differences in the terms you mentioned. Here is a rundown for you:
Fem Dom: This is the art of female domination. The Dominant/Top in the relationship is female. The submissive/bottom can be male or female.
Domme: Female version of the male “Dominant.” It is pronounced like “dom.”
Dominatrix: A professional Domme who usually charges a fee for sessions. A Dominatrix will enable a client’s fantasies and desires.
Mistress: This is the female version of the masculine term “Master.” It is a title that is earned and is similar to other titles such as Madame and Ma’am.
A guide to BDSM roles:
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Eadweard Muybridge , via Wikimedia Commons
By חגית שטרנשוס עמרם (Own work) , via Wikimedia Commons