Since it’s Thanksgiving, I wanted to take this opportunity to give thanks to everyone who came out to see me in October at #Shameless17! I had an amazing time and was so impressed with your questions and comments. Watching your faces as I was speaking was thrilling (as was the occasional flicker strike).

Speaking of Shameless Book Con, we’re doing Dear Mistress Q&A again at #Shameless18! More info is at the end of this post.

Due to time constraints, we did not have enough time to get to all of the questions that were (for the most part) anonymously submitted, so I want to answer them now.

Dear Mistress,

Nora’s favorite toy is her riding crop. Do you have a favorite?

Lautrec equestrienne (at the cirque fernando) 1887-8

Dear D,

I do; I have two. The first is my 5’ single tail bullwhip. I’ve had it for well over a decade and it’s broken in and an extension of my arm. It feels like it’s a part of me and rightfully so. It took months of training to learn how to use it. It’s brutal and loud and I love it. I don’t always have the opportunity to use it given the space required, but it will always be my ultimate.

The second is my flicker. I’m sure you saw me hold it up at the Q&A and also give a few curiosity strikes to a few attendees. It’s also known as a dressage whip. It has a thin, flexible shaft with a comfortable handle on one end and a popper on the other. They are usually available between 36-47” in length and they are beautifully balanced and lightweight. With just a slight flick of the wrist, it delivers a sharp, precise strike that immediately warms and welts the skin.

Dear Mistress,

What is your favorite punishment to give out?Michelangelo Punishment of Haman

Dear Anonymous,

I can’t say that I have actual favorites because it really needs to fit the scenario and every scenario is different. I will say that whatever I do, regardless if it can be considered a “punishment” or not, is done for impact and to get my point across. If there is something that I need to draw attention to, address, or emphasize, it comes out in the form of strikes that are meant to make the recipient focus and pay attention to what I am saying. I don’t like to have open-ended deliveries either. I prefer to have the strikes counted out, as I give an amount to be expected ahead of time. I find that makes the submissive stay focused.

If you’re referring to the most brutal punishment that I can deliver, well, that would be indifference. Since the dynamic is based on a mutual need and feeding off of each other for specific needs, it is through insouciance that the submissive feels the harshest of punishments. After all, attention is like a drug.

Dear Mistress,

My husband is finally (after 20 years) fulfilling my fantasies in rope bondage. What are some resources for him to learn technique/training? Are munches or clubs a good option?Yomikiri Romance 20

Dear H.S.,

How exciting! It is super important for you to learn from a qualified Rope Master. I previously answered a question about rope bondage you’re welcome to read and share.

Rope bondage, especially involving suspension, needs to be done by an experienced Rope Master, as it can impact pressure points and circulation which can cause injury quickly. I would look for local events in your area (such as munches or kink events) and reach out to the organizers to inquire about demos and instruction. That is the BEST way to learn.

With something like rope suspension, you need to be hands-on and be able to practice. You will also need a strong rig that can hold you. Local events will most likely have the apparatus you need.

Join sites like FetLife and to find local events or visit your local sex/kink shop and speak with the employees. They are usually excellent sources of information for something like this.

For learning the tying/knot basics, these are excellent tools for you:

64 Feet Multi-Purpose Soft Cotton Rope

Rope Bondage The Smart Way
The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage

#Shameless18 Announcement

It’s with great pleasure that I can say we will be doing the Dear Mistress event again! But this time, we’re doing it a little differently: a little more private and a little more interactive. Did that get your blood pumping? Good.

Keep your eyes open for the announcement which should be happening in the next 6-8 weeks. In the meantime, get your tickets for #Shameless18 NOW so you can have the opportunity to get your Dear Mistress tickets when they are released.


About Dear Mistress

Do you have a question for our resident Dear Mistress?

She’s experienced in all things BDSM, power exchange, and general knowledge of anything outside of traditional vanilla relationships. With over 25 years in the lifestyle behind her, she continues to live what she preaches and she’s sharing what she knows with us.

Nothing is off limits. NOTHING. Too embarrassed to ask a friend or afraid your search history will be discovered? Ask Dear Mistress!

Authors: Are you writing a book with BDSM? Ask the Mistress! Just make sure you include your name and email address in the question submission box, and she’ll email you personally.

Check back every #BDSMFriday – or whenever it pleases her – for the answers to your questions.

Want to know more from the Lady in Charge? Visit Dear Mistress’s earlier contributions.



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